The Greatest Race of All Time, Part Zwei

“Look, does anyone know who the fifth member of race team 2000 is? We’ve got a black female from Rochester, a gay guy from New Rochelle an African track star we borrowed from Oneonta…” Asked the girl from Rochester.

“It’s Dave, the mentally challenged guy.” I said. “Where is Dave and the African dude anyway? Addisi? Assidi?”


Upstate New York Bullshit Stock Photo

“No 💡 idea” Said GGFNR. By the way, Botendaddy, I think Quentin is gay 🌈 and has a huge crush on you. Not an Orange Crush.” Somewhere ‘Lithium’ by Nirvana was playing on 📢 hidden loudspeakers.

“Who is playing the goddamned theme music 🎶?” Asked BFFR.

“I’m not 🌈, just because I’m madly, hopelessly, romantically in squishy man-love for the Botendaddy doesn’t make me 🌈.”

“It kind of does.” Said GGFNR. “And where the f@&$ is the rest of your rich kiddie team anyway?”

“No clue.” Responded Quentin.

Crowds of Mohawk Valley denizens were lined up along the race course. They came from Schoharie, Utica, Ithaca, Woodstock, Attica, the Catskills, Rome. Excelsior!

The halfway point was coming up and the electronic sign showed our teams still in a dead 💀 heat. The video showed our African runner from Ethiopia 🇪🇹 pacing against their African runner from Tanzania 🇹🇿 cordially chatting as they ran. If we could only hear what they had to say…

“What’s up with these f@&$ed up people? Are they brain damaged?”


“Why are you running for them?”

“It’s stress release before my dissertation defense and I need the $2,000.00.”

It turned out Dave wasn’t mentally challenged, but deaf as he lip-read the African’s conversations to us off the video screen 📺.

My legs were a painful 😖 gelatinous mass at the 13.1 mile marker. The temperature had dropped to -1 Fahrenheit which is some f@&$ing number Celsius (who gives a shit about that Jacobin commie Celsius bullshit, what day is it anyway, the 37th of Brumaire?)

“Botendaddy, my team is totally going to win, because you suck filthy, sweaty, red-hot 84115.” Said Quentin. “If I didn’t have to win this race 🏁 I would pull down you manties and blister your 80w315 with my monstrous ph411v5 right here in the middle of the road (so *hot*) he muttered under his breath.

“Is he like this all the time?” asked the BFFR “He isn’t right.”

“Look, Rock n(apostrophe) Roll was dead from about 1979-1991 until Nirvana came along. As soon as I heard them I knew something had changed.” I pontificated, as the hidden music 🎶 trucks played ‘Smells like Teen Spirit.’

“I’m not retarded you 455h0135.” Said Dave. “Listen 👂 Metallica seemed OK but then some called them ‘the Band who sued their fans’ after the whole Napster music copyright sellout episode. They never recovered from the bad publicity. Ooh we’re so edgy… not so much…”

“Botendaddy is right, Nirvana saved Rock and Roll 🎸 for a minute…” Said the BFFR.

“Botendaddy, I was right about Quentin. He is big-time 🌈. He wants to drill your hot 455, but I saw you first. Maybe I am madly in love 😍 with you, not this yucky girl from Rochester.” Said the GGFNR

“Oh a black woman can’t love ❤️ Rock and Roll 🎸? This black woman didn’t see Botendaddy Live at the Budokan 🇯🇵? Maybe I was in love with him first. Even before Annabel Lee.” Said the BFFR.

The laughing 😂 comic relief bad guy caught up at the fifteen mile mark, just as the non -descript rich kid dropped off the pace and joined us as well. He never spoke, he just looked good on camera 🎥 and appeared disinterested in the outcome.

“It’s cold as f@&$ out here, ha-ha, I’m freezing my mangina off! (cackle) Botendaddy sucks! You all suck. (guffaw) Race 🏁 Team 2000, shitheads, losers! Ha-ha!” Shrieked the LCRBG.

The mute bad guy said nothing.


“Botendaddy! You totally f@&$ed me! I feel so dirty! Ah the taste of it! I want to get a t-shirt that says I am Botendaddy’s ❤️ puppy 🐶! on the front and Botendaddy f@&$ed me on the back! I’m going to call my mom and sisters and tell them in intimate detail that you f”@&)ed me! I would tell my dad but he would hunt you down and murder you. Wait… you don’t think he reads this do you?…” inquired the C 🤓 G

“Hot Ethiopian ☕️ Coffee?”


Peace be the Botendaddy


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The Greatest Race of All Time! The 1993 Oneonta to Cooperstown Challenge Marathon!

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New TV Series: The Adventures of Schreechiamous Bang World’s Worst Driver, yet Lovable Norwegian

I went back to Hollywood to pitch a new series to Schlomo Boingboomtschak and his sidekick Schmuel Cohensteinboim of Werenottoojewish Studios.

“Cchello my Boychik Botendaddy. You look about as Jewish as Olaf Olaussen. What are you like 1/16th Zschiewisch (pronounced Jewish)? come have Kreplach soup 🍜 and nice 👍 knish and pitch me your latest. Your last idea? Teenage Hitler? They’ve picked up 12 more episodes, these kids today, they just love ❤️ Hitler!”


Professor Bang’s Jalopy

“Ok, here’s the pitch, Schreechiamous Bang, cousin of Bang 💥 Olaussen is the shittiest driver on earth 🌏. It’s like a zany new Mr. Magoo, but less racist. You see Charlie, the Chinese San Francisco sidekick is a hot as balls 🏀 female grad 👩‍🎓 student who makes big bucks working for the wealthy eccentric professor 👨‍🏫 of mechanical engineering and auto design. She has to drive for him or he’ll  kill somebody, he’s always running over chickens, crashing into carts 🛒 of watermelon 🍉  destroying fake 🐑 ramshackle market places. You see, it’s onomatopoeia: like a car 🚗 crash sound 🔊 screech-bang!”

“It’s great 👍 my Boychik. We get a hot Chinese broad, named Charlie, but Zaftig, and a master of Gong Fu, with yuge jugs and a big tushie and even though she’s only 24, she’s secretly in love with  professor 👨‍🏫 Bang because he’s rich, eccentric and fun and he takes her all around the world, but he’s too much of a mad scientist 👩‍🔬 to realize that she’s in love 😍 with him.” Said Schlomo.

“Right, so every week they have madcap zany adventures, he wrecks the same beat up 🤕  car and she’s got to keep him out of the wacky troubles he gets in.” I said.

“Yes and she’s always flirting with him, and he loves her in his own weird way but doesn’t realize that she’s romantic for him.”

“I love it! 6 episodes to start.”

Peace be the Botendaddy


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Revista: El Corredor (Espana, 2014)

El corredor fue uno de las peliculas cortas las más inteligentes que he visto en mucho tiempo.

Conseguí más de él en 12 minutos si el tiempo de ejecución que la mayoría de las películas de lengua inglesa me dan en dos horas de horrendo estúpido CGI acción.

Miguel Ángel Jenner, Lluís Altés y Roger Batalla Eran simultáneamente subestimados pero magníficos en sus papeles.

Correr es obviamente metáfora, para iniciar una nueva etapa de vida que llevará tiempo mejorar y alcanzar metas, como reconstruir una carrera después de un largo despido.

El final del truco fue irónico y divertido. Al final el ex empleado despertó a su jefe de un estupor y le dio nueva motivación, por lo que la broma cruel realmente tuvo un buen resultado.

La paz sea el Botendaddy



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Botendaddy on Barbeque

The Tattooed Canadian Chick and I were watching replays of the 2016 Cup Final.

We were eating ribs.

“Only a shit-for-brains 💩 monkey 🐒 faced idiot with a skull 💀 full of faeces 💩 would trade Phil Kessel, by the way. He’s a game-breaker. ‘Ooh 😲 Corsi this, Corsi that… cause I play fantasy hockey.’ Only shit-heads even know what Corsi means. I don’t because I don’t give a crap 💩 about uselsss stats. Kessel scores when it matters, that’s the entire game of hockey. Quod Erat Demonstratum.” She pontificated.


Life after people?

“Texas has the shittiest ribs. Not all of Texas, just ever single rib I ate in every town in Texas: Austin, Killeen, Dallas, Waco, San Antonio (pronounced San Anne-Tone), although New Braunfels had good sausage, back when I was with 1st Cav. out of Ft. Hood.

“Ooh 1st Cav. that’s where the real men are! I’ve seen all the movies 🎥.” Said the TTC.

“Texas barbeque is too dry, too tough and they put a little sprinkle of pink oil on the rib and tell you that its sauce. Texas barbecue tastes like rotting goat 🐐 anus. Now Louisiana (pronounced Lousy-Anne) has the tenderest ribs, sweetest, richest sauce. Oklahoma serves up massive ribs with rich sauce too.”

“We get good 😊 beef in 🇨🇦 Canada 🐮 and yes, I speak for an entire nation because I f&$king feel like it eh? My mom is French and my dad is not (pronounced English Canadian). I won’t mention poutine or back-bacon. ”

“Ohio and Pennsylvania have surprisingly good ribs. Kansas City 🌃 Kansas had good meat 🍖 on the ribs, but that weird dry rub sauce. Carolina has excellent barbecue, though, mostly smokehouse style.”

“Don’t you f@&k anymore? The Tattooed chick 🐥 and the nerd 🤓 girl come along and you suddenly don’t f@&k? What is it, I’m not desirable? Every man I meet wants to f&$k me and you just sit there slobbering over ribs. Look 👀 at my goddamned body you misshapen freak! F@&k me now!” She shrieked.

So, my dear readers, I f@&ked her. Repeatedly, for hours. In ways even she, of Jonge and Bloor had never dreamed of. Wait, you’re unhappy 😔? You think I’m a lecherous old pervert? She’s an adult, she’s like 28? What are you Jiminy Cricket? You suddenly got prudish? Seriously, you know you wanted me to f@&k her, so i did and now you’re gonna’ complain?”

“Double Mocha?”

Peace be the Botendaddy

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Howl at the Moon 5k: Two Races in One Day!

BCS: ” Cholmondeley-Smythe here for the English Broadcasting Corporation. I am at the tail end of a 5 kilometer (pronounced kee-low-mee-taah) race 🏁 with Yon Botendaddy.” (Shaky camera 🎥 with yuge spotlight and rain ☔️ drops 💦 on the lens.)


The mysterious torch-light

BD: “How did you even find me here? And what up with the 🌈 🎥 cameraman?”

BCS: “It looks like Botendaddy and his incongruous female companion will pull off the feat of two 5k’s in one day, one starting at 8:00AM and the other at 8:30PM. This has never been done ✅ in all of human history. It may be the most amazing athletic endeavor since Frank Klammer’s amazing downhill skiing 🎿 run at the Innsbruck 🇦🇹 Olympics back in 1976. What a moment. His 95th life-time distance run. He was not ‘slown’ down by his enormous, yeasty, massive adult diaper. Ah the smell of it!”


The starting queue

CNG: “This reporter guy is creepy. Can you get me away from him?”

BCS: “Botendaddy’s time is horrid. He just doesn’t have the energy. You can see the agony on his exertion-related palsy-ridden visage. Can you get a close up of this? And look 👀 at his crazy 😜 nerd 🤓 girlfriend, she is obviously a social outcast, mentally 😳 disturbed if not actually socially retarded, a true, sad 😭  pathetic, freak, observe her unkempt, filthy, freakish, thick, hideous, tangled red hair. It’s only fitting that she should ruin her already wasted life by associating with a disgusting, late-night, double drive-in feature, macabre, shit-covered monster like the Botendaddy. What a tragedy for their family. Well in every shit-covered, bloody-birth-mucous, bacteria-stoked, litter of rancid, savage wild 🐷 piglets is one genetic abomination.” (sound of commotion and jumbled video of reporter and cameraman tumbling over a steep embankment into a creek).

CNG: “He wasn’t very nice. Let’s get out of here and f___. You still haven’t touched me yet.”

BD: “Iced Mocha with Cinammon?”

Peace be the Botendaddy

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Raise the Roof 5k Kittaning 2017

I ran 🏃 9:42 faster than my 2015 effort.

Almost ten minutes faster, despite a weak 8:37 first mile. By the way, I hit my fastest three mile time of the year at 27:42.


The Y

This was my fastest 5k of the year and my second fastest 5k time overall.

The course is one of the best ever to get a good 😊 time in.

There was a little girl and a teenage boy against whom I was running (sentence ending with preposition avoided). I caught the girl at the one mile mark, but she caught me around 1.6 and I saw her the whole way until she disappeared at the penultimate turn.


Running along the river

I caught the boy at around the 2.75 mark but he was able to pass me and stay about 💯 yards ahead of me.

All in all a good effort. I’m not sure why I couldn’t pull an eight minute mile.

I ran alongside two other people. One was the 24 year old Crazy Nerd Girl and the other was a reporter from the EBC.

BCS: “This is Braithwaite Cholmondeley Smythe of the English Broadcasting Corporation. I am running (Heavy panting sounds heard over the 🎤 microphone) with the Botendaddy and his female American Red-headed so-called nerd 🤓 female friend.”

BD: “How can your cameraman keep up with you?”

BCS: “He was a runner for the Tanzanian National Team until a weird man-on-man incident which decorum prevents me from presently describing. Fortunately, he studied film in Milan.” (Weird 🇹🇿 Tanzanian runner camera 🎥 man guy waving and 😉 winking)”

CNG: “I’ve never seen anything like this. Just because Botendaddy is going to run in two races in one day?”

BCS: “Quite, it’s similar to the epic 🎶 musical genius Phil Collins who played Live Aid in two cities in one day. Ah the smell of it!”

CNG: “Whi the f@&$ is Phill Collins?”

BD: “I can’t think of one song he ever made. It’s kind of like Mariah Carey or Ed Sheeran, I can’t name any song they ever made. I have no clue.”

EBC: “Quite. You seem to be running faster in the 57 degree Fahrenheit weather than the baking 86 at the last race I covered. So, Yon Botendaddy ( – muttering under his breath) you plan on driving 53.8 miles from Kittaning all the way to Beaver to run in two races in one day? It’s rather Collinsesque, wouldn’t you say.”

CNG: “Botendaddy Can we sprint and get away from these guys? They’re annoying me. Can we go back to your in-ground Jacuzzi and ____?”

“Iced Almond Latte?”

Peace be the Botendaddy







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