Nixon 2020: Now More Than Ever

Given what’s been going on the past couple of decades, is it possible that Tricky Dick Nixon is more honest, more egalitarian more progressive, more a man of the people than today’s leaders? In this really bad made for TV movie, we will explore just that question.

Greensburg, Pennsylvania – September 17th 1968

“I saw many signs in this campaign, some of them were not friendly; some of them were very friendly. But the one that touched me the most was one that I saw in Deshler, Ohio, at the end of a long day of whistle-stopping. A little town. I suppose five times the population was there in the dusk. It was almost impossible to see, but a teenager held up a sign, “Bring us together.” And that will be the great objective of this administration at the outset, to bring the American people together.”

“Nix-on! Nix-on! Nix-on!”

The rural Southwestern Pennsylvania crowd was soon in a frenzy.

“Are you tired of eight years of riots?

Eight Year of civil unrest?

Eight years of campus protests by bearded weirdo pinkos?

Eight years of war with no victory in sight?

Eight years of working hard so your money can go to America’s lazy college bums?

Eight years of acid, abortion and amnesty?”

They are not listening to you.

They do not care what you think.

They do not believe in you.

They do not hear you…but yes, I do.”

“Nix-on! Nix-on! Nix-on!”

He held up both hands with a peace or was it a victory sign?

His jacket was too loose and hunched up on his shoulders.

He smiled that creepy smile, but maybe, just maybe, America needed a little bit of creepy right now…now more than ever.

Kau-nai-nai Island South Pacific – June 5th 1942

Nixon is in his Navy fatigues is standing outside of a series of tents. It is a hot humid day, but it is still lightly raining and despite the sun, the tents are almost surrounded by pools of insect covered brown water. He pokes his head into a tent he shares with a young Lieutenant, Jack Kennedy.

“Jack, I need to get in there, I’ve been on duty all night.”

“Eh yeah, uh, just a er minute there Dick, I’ve got to er uh finish up some private business.”

“Damn that Lieutenant Kennedy, he’s fornicating again in my g*ddamned tent!” Nixon muttered under his breath.

Lieutenant Nixon stood with his arms crossed in the rain puffing on a filterless, soggy cigarette.

“That randy, rotten, drunken, fornicating Irish bastard.” He muttered to himself.”

Nixon tromped off through the puddles to the mess tent to get a coffee.

He sat at the edge of a table sipping coffee out of a metal canteen cup.

“This is ridiculous, there’s got to be more to life than this. I never realized that serving your country could be so damn hard.  For god’s sake I need a better roommate. This drunken fornicating moron is killing me!”

“Sounds like you’ve got trouble son.”

Nixon looked up. It was the Chaplain.

“Hi I’m Chaplain Kulheimmer. I’m from Pennsylvania. I heard you were the only Quaker in these parts.”

“That is correct reverend that is correct. May I ask what is your particular denomination?”

“I too am a Quaker son. I have served since the Great War. I have conflicts of conscience of course. I’ve been watching you. You have an amazing way of bringing people together. I bet one day you will be a great world leader, a peacemaker.”

“You’ve surely got the wrong man Chaplain, I’m just a boy from Whittier, California near Yorba Linda. I’m got ambitions, but I’m just a simple common man.”

“Sometimes simple common men can do great things, they just have to have a vision and believe in their own abilities.”

November 22nd, 1963 – Dallas, Texas

”Mr. Nixon. JFK is as shot in Dealey plaza.”

”What the motherfuck?”

”Yes Mr. Nixon, it’s bad. Shot him in broad daylight in a motorcade.”

”Goddamnit that irascible defecating bastard Ike was right. The goddamned military-industrial complex. That homo Hoover, those CIA spooks, that prevaricating bastard LBJ. I liked JFK. He hated Bolsheviks. Just fornicated too much. Fuck if they can kill a president in broad fucking daylight, we don’t stand a cocksuckers chance in hell.”

February 21, 1972 – Peking, China

“This was a week that changed the world, we know well that what we said in that Communiqué is not nearly as important as what we shall do in the years ahead to build bridges across 16,000 miles and many years of hostilities which have divided us in the past. And, I must reiterate, that what we have said today is that we shall build those bridges, questions….”

“Sir, Schmuel Cohenberger Tennboim, Washington Intelligencer, did the subject of ending the vicious, racist, sexist, imperialist, jingoistic war in Vietnam come up during your talks with the wonderful, beloved Chairman Ma-yo?”

“Yes, I am glad you have not slanted the questions with any of your personal opinions young man, we all know that would be wrong. Well I have news for you. We did discuss Indochina and we have a goal of pursuing peace with honor and dignity. Next question?”

“Mr. President, Hyman Feldboim Rosenstern, Washington Sun-Times. Did you discuss the possibility of normalization of relations with the Glorious Revolutionary People’s Paradise of China?”

“Once again, you speak with true objectivity and for this I am most grateful. We have discussed our commitments to developing true iopen relations with the PRC and keeping our commitments to the people of Taiwan. I expressed a hope that China and Taiwan can resolve all issues peacefully.”

“Sir, Shlomo Geldboom Ben-Goldberger, Washington Evening Gazette. Did you discuss with the wonderful enlightened peaceful Politburo, the possibility of trilateral talks with the worker’s paradise of the glorious Union of Soviet Socialist Republics?”

“Hank, I’m going to let you take that one.”

Nixon turns to the even creepier Henry Kissinger, erstwhile secretary of state.

“Uh, Ja, once again your question is stated with true objectivity. You see it is this president who makes détente, with the USSR, with China, ending the war in Vietnam, one that was I must mention started by the previous two liberal, left-leaning administrations.”

Private Office of Chairman Mao (pronounced May-o)

Mao offers Nixon a Johnny Walker Blue Label. The two men sit down and drink. The interpreters stand together to the side of the room in the shadows.

Mao: “How do you deal with all the fucking douchebag dissenters? You can’t get anything done with these fucking morons. They even shit on you when you are acting directly in their best interests!”

Nixon: “There are often secret cabals of big-money interests. Ike called it the ‘military-industrial complex’ and don’t get me wrong, Ike was one caustic miserable irascible fucker. He had bowel problems you know. Constantly defecating. And that J. Edgar Hoover he was a flaming drag-queen homosexual.”

Mao: “Really? I didn’t know that! A big homo?”

Nixon: “That bastard took it right in the kiester!”

Mao: “So Dick, I don’t trust these fucking Russians. Brezhnev is an asshole. So was that fucking Ho Chi Minh. Never trust the Vietnamese. Next thing you know those bastards will claim half of southern China. Of all the heads of state, Dick, you’re the only one I ever talked to that wasn’t a complete shitbag.”

Nixon: “We’re both surrounded by assholes. Take Hank Kissinger. I wouldn’t trust that creepy Dr. Strangelove cocksucker as far as I could throw him. So let’s make a deal. It’s a win-win for both of us.”

Mao: “Sounds good, Dick, let’s stay in touch man.”


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