Is Pareczenethy Allegory for the crucifixion?

Praha, Pareczenethy statue in Jagr Park

”In proto-Slavic ‘Pare cze’ means a few days or three days. ‘Nehty’ means nails. As Lord Jesus was nailed to the cross by an unnamed force, then he rose from the dead (Is risen) may the name Pareczenethy thus be interpreted to mean: the one who was nailed and returned after three days?”

Asked Fra Snieczka Zentresciewczky (Pronounced Zen-Trey-Chef-Ski) of the parish of Four Mile Run in Mysczwczckyczwsky, (Pronounced Mysharonna) Pennsylvania, the last functioning milltown in all of America.

“What about a Catholic view of Pareczenethy? He gave up, it is said, a half ration of his meager concentration camp food for three years to feed a group of Jesuits who were being deliberately starved by the National Socialists. His only explanation was that his own life or death was meaningless, but without the priests he would have no one capable of intellectual discourse. He would constantly risk his life for others, while seeking nothing in return and almost daring the blank faces of the National Socialist Entity to kill him. In the end they feared his actions as bold resistance, misunderstanding his Nihilism.”

”Fra Szcecziewsky stated years later in his fifth missive that he never once heard Pareczenethy complain about the awful conditions. ‘He would only ask me that I observe the result of adherence to unsupportable Philosophical Weltunschauung. I have never forgotten him. I loved him unconditionally.’”

“In return for his sacrifice, his daughter was secreted out of Thereisenstadt by Hungarian Jesuit Nuns and hidden in Buda-Pewsct until the Soviet liberation Is this not the teaching?”

Said Sister Sliwa Tomislaw Nagy.

”This is iduct (Defined as indisputably correct under rigorous Philosophical analysis).”

Responded zür Fra Z (Essentially unpronounceable)

”Pareczenethy, despite affiliation with the Jüwes (Pronounced You-Vase) of Jack the Ripper fame, may yet be seen through the Catholic lens. His ecumenical Nihilism being in essence humanist existentialism and his self-sacrifice being an example of the ‘teaching of Christ’”

Spaeke the sister.

”So in essence although his words, appearance and manner was vulgar, his actions reflected the teaching of the Christ. Let us pray.”

Many young people in the Park joined them in prayer. Others read dog-eared philosophy tomes, while some pušenje malu Cigaretu in quiet contemplation.

One young woman yelled in Czech: “Pareczenethy žije! Long live Pareczenethy!”



Cold War Spy Story Part Seixtoo: Doing a Kabuki Dance with the Reticle

Ur of the Chaldeans: Iraq 2008

”Listen up Ph499075! Aiming point this instrument! See red, read red! Goddamnit Spazzy, if you don’t lock down the needle, you’ll be doing a Kabuki dance with the reticle! Charlie is out there setting up a POO site and we’ve got to get these howitzers laid! Goddamnit there’s a light Colonel here now we’re all phantangled in our Kiester (Pronounced Kye-Shtir) holes!”

adventure arid barren coast
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”Lighten up there Chief of Smoke! I’m an artillery officer, not an anus. I’m the roving Fire Support, Air-Ground, Super-Secret Squirrel guy. Do not salute me. I do not want  to get my anus shot off, are you on my frequency?”

”Colonel Botendaddy (Pronounced Bott-on-Diddy) I remember you from Ft. Polk. You never ever take a vehicle, you always walk. Why is that?”

”Chief? It’s because vehicles… are for… the weak. Real men walk… everywhere they go.”

”Deflection Too-Five-Fower-Niner! Charge 5! Elevation zero-niner-tree! Fire!”

The howitzer lurched back like a bad metaphor hurling an illum round into the cloudless, dark night sky. The artillerymen covered their ears, then arose from the crouch.

“Shot out. Shot over. Prepare to mark… tree-too-one mark!”

The parachute carried the illum round like a little fireball suspended in the sky. Then came the HE rounds, 50 foot HOB.

Hadji was dead along with his POO site. It’s a goddamn shame if you ask me. He was a good man and an engineer trained in United States working for his dad at the engineering firm in Sugar Shack manufacturing high explosives to kill us at every opportunity possible. He was part of the Jaysh El-Masri. They never killed civilians, they only tried to kill the 1st Cavalry Division. In my book that’s OK, we were there for that purpose. We were soldiers once… and old.

Whenever I would go to Sugar Shack,  Hadji would be down there, usually standing next to his father. I stood next to the Sheik because nothing sketchy could happen in the town unless he gave the go-ahead.

The Sheik got the understanding that if I was standing next to him and anything went down with our boys that he would be the first to get smoked and that’s just the way it is. It’s  gangsterism revealed, my friends, that’s what it’s all about and don’t nobody care neither.

Hadji didn’t know my role. Nobody did. I was the one who brought the airplanes, but he never did put it together. Hadji made the bombs, and I would send the planes to hunt for Hadji. We would smile and say S’baah El-Xeirah and each talk about the weather.

Hell, if I was he, I wouldn’t want a bunch of Jolly Green Giants in my country either and I would blow their ass up to. But now Hadji was smoked by 155 HE and his once ingenuous Rube Goldberg Rocket Launcher was shot to shit.

I did the crater analysis and I saw what was left of Hadj’. Sorry dude, but when the Colonel says what’s up, that’s what’s up. Gangsterism revealed. Yessiree.

I saw a solitary soldier coming up to me. It was the goddamned C.I.D. guy from Ft. Belvoir again. How did he keep finding me wherever I went? It was amazing like Jean ValJean and the Inspector. Or like Lord Baltimore in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

”Do you roak the Schmiee, still Sir? How do you keep beating the drug test?”

It was him, Sergeant Werkmeister with his CID combat patch, how strange is that?

”Sergeant you talk a lot of dirty dogshit. You might ask if I still beat my wife? Why don’t you quit the Army and just become a shitty beat cop in some shitty small town back wherever the fuck you come from. Cigaretuzdh? It a Kurdish blend grown in Mt. Ararat at 18,000 feet and hand rolled by neo-proto Denisovan Armenian Leute.”

I lit the Cigaretuzdh for the Sergeant. He took a long roak, nodding with approval.

”Let’s cut the bullshit, Sir or should I say Komraide Kommisar Botencziewicz? You’re my  best case. My other cases are bullshit. Sergeant Jones rapes Sergeant Smith in his pulsating man-anus. Someone did a negligent discharge. Abuse of a prisoner. All horse-caca. No one cares. But a Soviet Spy serving 30 years in the military in important missions? Doesn’t add up. You seem to have a lot of access. Double Agent Maybe? Triple? Corporate? No one knows. It’s a mystery. I’ve been in since 90’ been following you since Operation Desert Storm. You always end up near Sugar Shack. It’s a little odd right? Southern Silk Road.”

I took a long roak on the Cigaretuzdh. I admired the gold label of the fine Tabac. I looked out over the night desert mindscape like in a scene from Camus.

”Werkmeister… interessant Name, Ja? Leipzig original. Deutsches Demokratischen Republik, Ja? Meng Geehrter Häär?  Es ist gut, wieder deine ostdeutsche Muttersprache zu hören, nicht wahr, mein guter Sergeant?


The Pareczenethy Conference begins in Wroclaw: who was Frä Rösczchelle Pareczenethy?

17 Dezember 1939 München

Pareczenethy und seine Frau spielten Karten mit den Von Änästaads.

“Achtung Jüden! Und scheißenden Rassenverräter! Geöffnet sie den Tür 🚪!“

“Listen, friends, since I presume that these Gestapo (Pronounced Ghee-Schtaah-Poe) do not speak English, we are now going to switch back to Deutsche and I expect you to follow my charade (Pronounced Scheherazade) is that clear?”

The door is kicked in by hobnailed jackbooted leather-clad members of the fascist entity’s extrême enforcement arm gegen Jüdische Marxismus.

The Von Änstädts are violently beaten in an orgiastic almost erotically sexual bloodbath of violence as leather truncheons descend rhythmically thumping against undulating flesh as the eyes of the Gestapo thugs rolled back in their heads with sensual ecstasy.

”Race traitors! Shroake the Gestapo Major (Pronounced My-Yore)  all you left me were two shitty Jews! (The word Jew! Is shroaken or in Hoch-Deutsche ‘geschroackende’ like a Valkyrie (Pronounced Whaal-Chye-Rheaughe)

An emotionless 😐 young girl is dragged from upstairs by one of the Gestapo enforcers.

”Häär Pareczenethy! We have met before!“

Hatte der Major also gesprochen

“JaWohl Häär Major! Metz, Oktober 1918. It is a shame what’s become of you. You came from a good family and look at you now. You are a goddamned shit-covered disgrace to your family, to der König Bayerischen and above all the University of Augsburg. You have defecated on a thousand years of Hohenzollern civilization. You were better off standing on your principals and dying like a man.”

Whhhaaaap! A violent sensuous slap is cracked  across the hairy disgusting face of the demonic Jew! Pareczenethy’s wife and daughter look on with abject disinterest. The three of them are ushered into a magnificent black Gestapo staff car.

”Rösczhy, I warned you and the baby to get out. Now they are going to kill us all.”

“Häär Doktor, we all die eventually. Our existence is irrelevant. Life is without objective meaning or purpose. Thus Existential Nihilism.”

She Said.

”They will torture you and the baby.”

”Don’t be maudlin father. We are not Duty-driven. A deontological Weltunschauung does not suit you. Nor utilitarian. Duties create rules per C.D. Broad. Don’t worry about me. I will die or I will study high Philosophical Prinicples at a great University and then die eventually anyway. These shit-covered morons have no idea what I’m saying anyway.”

Today, Wroclaw (Pronounced Breslau (Pronounced Vratislava))

An elderly woman is at the podium.

”Pareczenethy was my father. That is the story of how we ended up at Theresenstadt. My mother died there because she would not leave  Pareczenethy. She was classy, lovely, born to a good family from Westphalia. He was low-born low-class vulgar, disgusting, smelly, shit-covered, unshaven, brilliant, beautiful, unshakingly loyal to the King of Bavaria, he was fearless and principled and I loved him There I said it, I loved him! He and my mother preferred certain death rather than betraying the foundational prinicples of reasoned Philosophical thought. I was able to escape the final death 💀 💀 camp because of him and Häär Doktor Doktor Von Anstädt.“

“I look out at this audience and I see Philosophers, students, statesmen, scholars and ridiculous fawning insincere fatalistic Czech waiters roaking malu Cigaretu like the sniveling tip-mongering Tychy of Plzen. Stupid self-involved drooling gibberish-speaking driveling moronic self-indulgent drunken Czech idiots… my heros! I hope you enjoy this celebration of Philosophy. I look forward to your presentation as you drone on mindlessly about nothing as I fall asleep in utter boredom at the idiocy that is your life’s work. Morons. Disgraceful…”

The crowd gives a long ovation as a Triumphal Bach (Pronounced Bay-sshh) processional is played by a high Polskiyh quartet.




München 1919, Freikorps Wilhelms XVII: Pareczenethy rekruten vonÄnstädt

Munchen 24 Dezembers 1918 Jägerstrasse verlassenes Büro von Professor von Änstädt

„Glück Gesundheit 🤧 Gottes Segen Freude Frieden ✌️ allerwegen Fröhlich 😁 Weinachten und einen gesegnetes neues Jahr!“

adventure alpine bavaria climb
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Pareczenethy ist immer noch in seiner Uniform. Er ist noch nicht entlassen worden. Er ist unrasiert und dreckig. Er geht die staubige Treppe hinauf. Die Lichter sind draußen im Philosophischen Gebäude. Es ist fast 16:00 Uhr. Er öffnet die Tür. Von Änstädt sitzt auch in Uniform hinter seinem Schreibtisch. Seine Füße hoch. Er ist mürrisch.

“Alles ist scheiße 💩 Meng Geehrter Häär… der Krieg ist vorbei. Wir sind alles auf einen großen Haufen Pferd 🐎 scheiße.“

„Keine Probleme Mengen Geehrter Häär. Meine Wohnung wurde von den gottverdammten Kommunisten und dem Scheißbagger Eugen Leviné gestohlen. Ich werde diesen Juden Bastard selbst erschießen und ich bin ein verdammter Jude! Scheiß auf diesen diebischen Schwanzlutscher! Arbeiterparadies mein Anus!„

“Keine Sorge, alter Kamerad, Häär Schliessmann hat uns gebeten, für das XVII. Wilhelminische Bataillon eine Kompanie aus der Universität zu gründen. Also sagte ich was zum Teufel?“

“Ich habe genug gehabt. Ich habe seit drei Tagen nicht gegessen. Lass uns ein paar kommunistische Jugendliche umbringen, die dem Abschaum ausweichen.“

“Mein liebster Freund. Das Problem ist einfach. Sie sind eine philosophische Weltungschauung. Sie sind der schottischen Philosophie des 18. Jahrhunderts verschrieben, in der Individualismus, Streben nach wirtschaftlichem Erfolg und die Rechte des Menschen im Vordergrund stehen. Wie unser Land, das vom teuflischen Satans Woodrow Wilson zerstört wurde, musst du existenziellen Nihilismus annehmen.”

JaWohl! Meng Geehrter Häär. Dass bedeutet das der Existenzieller Nihilismus ist die philosophische Theorie, dass das Leben keine intrinsische Bedeutung oder Wert hat. In Bezug auf das Universum legt existentieller Nihilismus nahe, dass ein einzelner Mensch oder sogar die gesamte menschliche Spezies unbedeutend ist, ohne Zweck und unwahrscheinlich, dass sie sich in der Gesamtheit der Existenz ändert. Nach der Theorie ist jedes Individuum ein isoliertes Wesen, das in das Universum hineingeboren wird, das Wissen “Warum” nicht kennt und dennoch gezwungen ist, Bedeutung zu erfinden. Die inhärente Bedeutungslosigkeit des Lebens wird weitgehend in der philosophischen Schule des Existenzialismus erforscht, wo man möglicherweise ihre eigene subjektive “Bedeutung” oder “Zweck” schaffen kann.“

“Wunderbar! Meng Geehrter Häär Professor! Es ist, als ob Sie ein futuristisches elektronisches Lexikon komplett plagiiert hätten (Valkriepaedia? Wikipedia?)! Und dann ein noch nicht erfundenes Übersetzungstool verwendet haben!

Das is Ja unglaublich! Einen neuen Philosophische für den Neues Jahrhundert!“

Also Sprach der Botendaddy






Defender of the Faith R.I.P. Philip Roth

’Defender of the Faith’ is a 1962 story by Philip Roth about a Jewish Sergeant, Marx, who is a combat Veteran just back from the war in Europe and his manipulative Jewish draftee Grossbart.

15th Ward War Memorial

Without going into the story in depth, the apocryphal fable told about Jewish soldiers in the U.S. Army at the tail end of  WWII, is one that sadly, I’ve seen before.

My distant family, three of them, the first born in America, all joined the Army to fight in the Spanish-American War. Somewhere a faded sepia-toned photograph ala Butch Cassidy may show them in their super-slick SAW uniforms with their slouch hats, slung pack and Krag rifle. Man, they looked muy macho.

Long story short, our family tradition has literally extended to every war from 1898 to this day. So the topic is very sensitive to me.

American Jews, post-Korean War, rightly or wrongly, had a reputation as draft dodgers. They served in solid numbers through the Korean War, but Vietnam and the college deferment was a huge blot on our reputation as Americans.

Even worse, by the epoch of the War on Terror (I served until 2011) the percentage of Jews in the Army had fallen to a level so minuscule that it equaled the number of Muslims. 3,400 souls in the entire Army. I was stunned. A higher percentage actually served in Theatre in Vietnam. It’s a statistical fact.

I don’t think there were more than five Jews in my  Brigade in Iraq.  Out of 3,500 soldiers… Unfathomable… Then, when I got back, only two Jews in my Battalion… me included. WTF?

Who pulled the charred remains of our brethren out of the ovens in 1945? The same U.S. Army. The same U.S. Army that wasn’t good enough for us by 1965?

When I first joined, early in my long unillustrious career, we had Passover services at Ft. Benning where 44 Jews showed up. 44! That’s a lot for anywhere.

I remember a Jewish recruit whining to me about how his sergeant treated him because he couldn’t do enough pushups. He wanted me, a Jewish Lieutenant to stand up for him. I refused and I made him do more pushups until his spindly arms fell off. I was furious. He was an embarrassment to my people.

Maybe Roth’s Sergeant Marx and I were more like the vicious Sergeant Waters from ‘A Soldiers’s Story’ who thought that by brutalizing the weak links he would bring up the image of black Soldiers in the Army.

This was exactly the story of Defender of the Faith. Grossbart plays on Marx’ emotions as Marx just returned from the front: 1945 Germany. Grossbart weasels his way out of orders to the Pacific. Grossbart whines for special privileges on account of being Jewish, then takes advantage when he gets them. Like me, Marx was furious and embarrassed for his people.

Marx gets Grossbart’s orders changed back to the Pacific. He does it not to defend Grossbart whom he views as a bad example, but to defend the reputation of American Jews in the Army.

I originally hated Roth. I thought he was ‘too Jewish’ and he made our people look like self-indulgent perverts. Sure, the Psychiatrist’s couch in Portnoy may be a veiled reference to Kafka’s cockroach, but Roth’s story is much harder-edged than Neil Simon’s rose-colored Biloxi Blues, where the snarky Jewish wise-ass brats put one over on the over-matched, shell-shocked combat Veteran Sergeant Toomey.

Where was Toomey’s thanks for saving those two brat’s people? Simon never gets the point, does he? Contrast Wouk’s Caine Mutiny where the mutineers’ Jewish Navy JAG lawyer, Lieutenant Barney Greenwald, has sympathy for Queeg, because Queeg stood up to serve long before many others did and help keep Greenwald’s mother from being made into ‘soap’.

In Roth’s ‘Defender’, the wise-ass Jewish brat doesn’t get away with it. Marx knows what the stakes are: he saw it in the liberated concentration camps and he knows who liberated them.

Roth, with an unblinking gaze, speaks an ugly but unsaid universal truth about the wise-ass Jewish kid who thinks he’s too special and too smart for the Army. Yes, I’ve seen them first hand trying to game the system more than once: don’t any of my soul brothers dare tell me that I haven’t seen it.

Roth was excoriated by the Jewish community for telling this story and he stood his ground. This is who we are, warts and all, Roth instructs us. This story is a triumph of truth over self-deceit.

Some of us, in the end are Sergeant Marx, the patriot, and some of us are Grossbart, the shirker, who makes a mockery of his own faith.

Call me what you will, but given my family history: from The Spanish-American War through Iraq, we jealousy guarded the reputation of the Jewish soldier in the U.S. Army until apparently there was no-one left to care.

RIP Philip Roth

Peace be the Botendaddy

Why Hollywood won’t cast Botendaddy Anymore: One Weird Tip

Hollywood California: “We’re not Too Jewish Studios.” Office of Schloimo Ben Tennboom Boingboomtschak, Producer.


”Botendaddy, my young Boychik, have nice Bagel (Pronounced Begg-el) Lox and Cream cheese 🧀 with tomato 🍅 and breath destroying onion. Rachel, my niece is here today. The one ☝️ you schtupped with your huge Kosher Picklehauber. Look her ass, it is enormous, it’s bigger than ever. Rachel, honey, show Mr. Botendaddy your huge enormous embarrassing gigantic fat ass. It’s zaftig!”

Her ass did look 👀 huge in her tight skirt and 1940’s old lady 👵 girdle.

”He’s already seen it, uncle Schloimo. He schtupped me in the men’s room. I’m still dripping with his goyish spermatozoa out of my huge, gaping, cavernous, sloppy, vagina into my huge panties. I love 💕 it!”

She Said dreamily.

I thought about how awkward this would be if normal people with actual boundaries were involved.

”OK Schloimo, I admit it, I f”@ked her.”

I confessed.

”OK great, she needed it. Look how happy she is now. 28 no boyfriend. The last one turned out to be a huge Faygeleh 🌈 ah the smell of it!”

Added Schloimo.

”I know Uncle Schloimo. Botendaddy f@&ked him too with his massive Easter Island 🗿 godhead. Smoke was rising from my boyfriend’s gaping stretched-out spermatozoa-soaked anus like a drill after boring into pine wood. Ah the taste of it!”

Said Rachel.

“OK, enough smalltalk. So you’re gonna make your first Holocaust film about this Pareczenethy asshole (Pronounced Aiyze-hoool). Pareczenethy, my father knew him from Breslau Camp. What a schmuck. My dad, Hyman, G-d rest his soul, said Pareczenethy was the biggest most arrogant fuckhead anyone ever met. When he was shot, my dad told me everyone in his barracks was secretly relieved that they wouldn’t have to hear his bullshit anymore. Czech bastard.”

I munched on gefilte (Pronounced guh-Phil-Tea) fish 🐠 and herring.

”Yeah, it’s a feel-good movie 🎥. Kids will love it. That is if they love early 20th Century Central European Philosophy and German Expressionist Theatre 🎭.”

I Said.

Schloimo said he’d get funding from a guy in Rotterdam. I took Rachel for a walk. Then I f@&ked her again.

”Mocha Latte Macchiato?”

Peace be the Botendaddy

The last man standing (Poslední stojící muž)

Karl-Heinz Schnellebakker, Röchibäüld Sächse-Héûtélîér, zür Botendaddy and The Stalker were drinking Stoli 🦆 and roaking малю Сигаретю цжэкиже in Wroclaw (Breslau) (Pronounced Vi-roach-ya-Slav) at the Annual Pareczenethy Philosophy Conference when an aged professor approached. He had white hair, he reeked of marijuana and he walked with a cane.

Breslau Konzentrationen Kampf, 1944

”I was there.” He said to the Botendaddy.

„Was sagen Sie denn meiner Geehrter Häär Professor?“ Also grefragt (Pronounced guh-frocked) Schnellebakker.

“I was there when Pareczenethy was shot! You stupid, fat, shit-covered, nitwit, ass-hat scumbags! He died for Hoch Philosophische Prinzipalen! I saw it! He died with no emotion, no feeling, no concern. It is because of him that I swore that I would survive and study das Hoch Philosophischen Prinzipalen!”

The group was silent. The old man accepted Cigaretu from Schnellebakker and he continued with his story.

“My name is Häär Doktor Professor Klaus vanEyck DeLaCroix. I was a 👨‍🍳 baker’s apprentice in Diekirch in the Grand-Duchy of Luxembourg 🇱🇺. I was 18 years old and an extrême homosexuelle. The Gestapo came in to the Bakery one day and that demanded that I denounce my boss, the esteemed Meng Häär Schwarzen-Boom auf den Bäckerei und die Fascisten gesagt das er war einen halbs-Jüde! In the name of my beloved Grand-Duke, I told the National Socialisten Geheimstadtspolizei of the unnamed fascist entity Isst schlechtes Scheiße 💩 und Sterben!

Vianden Castle, Luxembourg 🇱🇺

The Stalker, being Luxembourgeoise, gave the crazy 😜 old man a big hug 🤗 with a tear in her eye  👁 😭 for upholding the honor of the ancient Grand-Duchy.

“Of course I was accused of decadent Jewish! Sympathy and extrême bourgeois homosexualité, beaten and repeatedly homosexually raped (ah the taste of it!) and sent to the filthy Concentration Camp here at Breslau. I still remember the barbed wire, the barking of shitty dogs 🐕, the unintelligible Teutonic gibberish on the loudspeaker 📢 the snow of Tötenfleisch…“

He roaked his malu Cigaretu, waved his hand and continued his account.

”It was in Januar 1944, that I met Häär Professor Pareczenethy and his dear friend Häär Professor von Anstädt, who was drafted as a Kamp Guard. I was working in the Kamp Bäckerei. I wore the homosexual pink triangle and Pareczenethy the Jewish! yellow star ⭐️. He also proudly wore his Eisenkreuz from the glorious Great War. Die Faschismus  did not take it from Häär Pareczenethy  upon orders of the Oberstürmführer, who was himself a Veteran of the Great War.“

“Pareczenethy taught me that we should never blame the German for National Socialism as it was a crime of Philosophy and not of Nationality. Thus I never say German. It is impossible to blame a Nationality for such a thing. Botendaddy himself is a proto-Jew! Albeit a green eyed blonde English Cromwell Crypto-Jew!“

“Why do you always shriek the word Jew?“

Also Gefragt Röchibäüld.

“It must be thus schroaken like the cry of the shrieking Valkyrie (Pronounced Wall-Kye-Rhee)“

“The Oberstürmführer, himself a scientist 👨‍🔬, would call in Pareczenethy and von Änstädt for ‘secret interrogation’ where the three of them would laugh, drink and discuss the Great War like old times auf den Universitäte. The Philosophische discussions taught me a great deal. I listen to every argument and syllogism. I was thus quite ready when I started University in Lille in 1947.

”Zaftiger Cigaretu! I was a camp Phücken-boi where I would be raped constantly by the soldiers, because I was a quasi-Aryan.“

“Pareczenethy taught me to experience each man-rape with fatalistic, nihilistic dialectical existentialism to thus achieve self-actualization. He told me that every experience, while meaningless from an objective point of view had intrinsic value for formulation of future philosophical discourse and argument.”

Schnellebakker offers another Czech Cigaretu. The old man nods approvingly, inhaling a healthy roak of the toxic poisonous ☠️ cyanide, radioactive, nicotine fumes. He waves his hand 🤚.

“One day, I believe it was Oktober 30, 1944, consequentialist, utilitarian orders came down from das Schützstaffel Quartier-Générale in Berlin. All Jews! Except Great War Veterans had already been liquidated, so the remaining few Jews! had to be likewise exterminated! Jewish! Veterans were given the Hoch honor of death 💀 by rifle. Von Anstädt begged the Kommandant for the privilege of Shooting! Pareczenethy. Zur Kommandant of course, agreed, as under his deontological view, duties create rules per C.D. Broad. Pareczenethy roaked his last Cigaretu, stood by the bloody wall conversed fondly with von Anstädt and apathetically told me not to look away, but to experience the event with Existential,  Nihilistic fatalistic apathy. To thus celebrate 🎉 his death 💀 with a higher Philosophische Weltunshauung!“

“His death 💀 was perfectly meaningless. It proved that Life was without objective meaning, purpose or value. He died with no expression on his shitty, hairy, repulsive face. It was for the glory of Philosophy! I loved him! I loved him! His death was a beautifully, meaningless, irrelevant event.“

“In 1946, I was present at the phony victor’s show trial of the Oberstürmführer for his obvious and grotesque crimes against humanity. The bourgeois, muscular, macho, silly Americans 🦅 asked me to testify. I testified in elaborate, cold detail every hideous, cruel, soulless crime including the slaughter of toddlers. I described in unemotional detail the piles of baby 👶 shoes. It was beloved Häär Pareczenethy who instructed me to look at the piles of baby clothes with a unwavering objective gaze to absorb the tragic result of bourgeois, emotion-based Philosophy. I see them to this day.“

“I told the court that the only way they could free the tortured, pathetic, rotting soul of the haggard, destroyed Oberstürmführer for his crimes against humanity was that he be hanged in shame and disgrace in a muddy, rainy shitty prison-yard surrounded by his enemies devoid of friends, love, humanity… and that his name would be stricken from the history books forever for his vile and disgusting cowardice. He of course received only five years hard labor, commuted to three months in exchange for coming to Langley and providing the Americans with Rocket 🚀 Science 🔬 data from the V-2 program. He died alone seven years later. He hanged himself in the muddy courtyard of an anonymous, shitty block of apartments in Trier, his soul condemned and beyond salvation. I received the news as if I heard the day‘s weather report.“

The Old man puts a hand on Botendaddy’s shoulder.

”My life, like yours is meaningless, purposeless shit. Your writing is verbal bowel movement. No-one will care when you die and it won’t matter. I will lecture here at Wroclaw at this Existential Nihilism Conference every year until I die. And I hope that when I die, that you stupid, fat, moronic idiots will be equally unemotional as I rot and I am eaten by filthy shit-covered worms 🐛 because my life and death are irrelevant and without objective meaning or purpose as was the beloved and esteemed Häär Doktor Pareczenethy, master of Existential Nihilism and a hero of Czech, Slovak, Polish and German Philosophers alike. No-one loves him more than the purposeless, lazy Czechs. His Nihilism reflects the apathetic, hopeless, self-indulgent Czech soul. There is, to this day, a statue of Pareczenethy in a forgotten quarter of Old Praha in a muddy, shitty parklet with a bronze Cigaretu forever in his filthy, grubby, shitty, hairy mouth 👄“




The Hideous Events at 5 Uniontowne Pike

Being it the case, that I have been long ago declared dangerously insane by the Court of Quarter Sessions of the County of Somerset, in the ancient and indomitable Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, whereupon I was committed to the Laurel View State Sanitarium for the Criminally Insane for an indeterminate time, it is my fervent belief that my unfortunate circumstances may yet be of some pedagogical utility.

It was with great relief, I must admit, that I received this sentence. I myself have opposed my release from this confinement for reasons which I shall endeavor to explain to you in great detail.

Court of Quarter Sessions, courtesy of Photochick234
Court of Quarter Sessions, Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license Photochick234

The tale I am about to relate to you is so terrifying in its macabre spectacle, that the basest level of decorum prevents me from describing the hideous events that transpired in the old house at 5 Uniontowne Pike in the haunted Towneshippe of Markleysburg, Pennsylvania in October in the year of our martyred Lord, 1978. It is most kind of you, my dearly beloved readers, to relieve me of this burden, as I have been yearning to expose this unfortunate history for over 30 years.


O’ elegant beauty who walked with me!

Sleeps in sepulcher by the sea!

We transited life for too few years.

We wished forever, but met dark fears.

Seized by a rheum one October eve.

O fates! O furies!, must I e’er grieve?

Up savage path to cliff’s edge I wander.

I wait by thy tomb, fate left to ponder.

Cold Saturnian bird with savage croak.

In shrouded grief, ‘Aeschylus!’ I Shroake.

I awaitest the day whence we meet once more.

I, melancholy, on night’s savage shore.

The story as it goes, my dear friends, may I pour you a Chablis? You are correct! It is an O’Hara Township, 1946 Kauffman vintage. Yes, I shall continue. Do you like the wine? The body is robust, yet with an oaken bouquet. You find the wine delectable? Why thank you, it is my pleasure. Yes, it is that I had found myself in the southwestern region of the Ancient, Free and Accepted Commonwealth of Pennsylvania to seek an education on behalf of an unknown benefactor. However, the tale begins earlier that year.

Needless to say, I was quite surprised, even mesmerized when I opened a mysterious brown envelope in my barren one-room fourth floor walk-up in the Brownsville section of old Breuklynne, New York in July of 1978. It so happened that in the Year of the Risen Christ, 1977 that I came to be the last of my family line, with the exception of an older brother who had gone to pursue his studies in Olde Allegheny City. He had gone off to matriculate at University, leaving me alone in the decrepit apartment in April of 1978.

Although suffering from a rheum, possibly caused by my gloomy surroundings, I set about placing the most valuable and uncommon of the family heirlooms and legacies into a single large wooden and leather chest of unknown origin. I knew only that it had come into the possession of my Great-Grandfather at an auction in East St. Louis Illinois in 1891.  I had planned to put it into storage when the time was right. I had since disposed of all other household goods except for the barest necessities so I could relocate my place of habitation to a new milieu with minimal difficulty.

The envelope was painstakingly hand-addressed in fountain pen with a rich blue ink which indicated to even the most untrained observer that the pen and ink were of great value and rarity. I held the letter underneath a curious electric lamp that I had discovered at a garage sale on Nostrand Avenue on the 5th of July, that past summer.

The lamp was engraved with the name a M. Perez Rochibauld Utonic, Esquire of Markleysburg, Pennsylvania. There was also a strange birthday poster on canvas.

Ancient birthday card.

The lamp was stamped with a date of manufacture in 1921. The cord was wrapped in a curious thickly-woven electrician’s cloth. I had almost passed it by, but it was marked ‘One Dollare’ and it had a curious immense weight to it. It appeared to be made of an unusual darkened copper or brass. But it was the moniker that interested me the most. I had seen it before but I could not recall where.

Markleysburg, courtesy of Generic1139
Olde Markleysburg, Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported Generic1139

It was only when I moved the chest into storage in Valley Stream, New York later that summer, that I noticed it. It was on the jitney ride across the island. I sat in the front seat as the chest took up the entire back seat. On the side of the chest there was a metal plate engraved in cursive script with the name: “M. Perez Rochibauld Utonic, Esquire of Markleysburg, Pennsylvania.” A curious chill ran through me. How was it possible that this chest, this family heirloom could spring from the same owner? A pallor of overwhelming melancholy and trepidation swept over me. It was if I felt the horrible musty grip of my hoary ancestors upon my very soul. It was with no lack of joy that I deposited the chest into the storage compartment.

It was precisely one week to the day after I had placed the ancient chest into the storage locker that I received the letter. I was returning from the local Bodega when I opened the mailbox using the small brass key. I had since forwarded all of my mail to my brother’s address in Olde Allegheny, so I found it somewhat curious that a letter had found its way through to my abode. For some reason, long since forgotten to memory, I placed the letter under my savage nostril. The letter had not a dry odor, but more of a musty smell of ancient mould.

I sat at the old pedagogical desk and chair that were the sole items of furniture remaining in the near-barren apartment. The old lamp put out a surprising amount of lumens in the somber abode. Yet the light was an old one, a focused one. The bulb had no markings, it seemed rather very old and browned a bit around the base, yet had an incredible power to illuminate. I opened the letter carefully with an ancient bronze letter opener. The paper was onion-skinned and engraved with the same unique blue fountain-pen script. The letter was embossed in the 1901 Copperplate Gothic typeface in the style of Mr. Frederic W. Goudy.

Telegraph machine by Daderot Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication.


5 July, 1978


TELEPHONE: (412) MArkleysburg5-2368

Dearest M. Claude Deblois Charlevoix,

I hope this correspondence finds you in the best of health.

As you may be curious why you have received an unsolicited correspondence from person thus unfamiliar, allow me to elucidate.

It is my custom to choose, every four years, a young man of great promise to receive a grant of scholarship to Laurel Highlands University.

The promise is not necessarily in the achievement of grades-yours to a degree are unspectacular, minimo cum fructu in the way of the Europeans, nor to your performance on The New York State Regents Exams-where you excelled. But rather, the promise is in other innate talents that you possess, which in the parlance of the day, are unique.

Your remarkable abilities as a linguist have not gone unnoticed, and I suspect it derives from the familial line of descent. It is as it were, in the bloodline. The acumen seems to grow with every generation. It is curious that as the bloodline dies out, the talent seems to pool in the remaining progeny and may in some respect peak when only one remains.

Please await my driver who will transport you and your belongings to a private cottage on the grounds of the University. I trust you will find these accommodations pleasing. You will see a Madame Belleriviere who will  tend to your registration and studies.

I only ask in return that you pursue the Baccalaureate Degree offering in Ancient Interpretive Linguistics.

If you accept, please be ready on the 25th of August of this year at 4:00 AM in front of your building at curbside with any belongings you wish to transport.

Please Agree to Accept this, my purest Expression of my Most Profound Gratitude,

M. Perez Rochibauld Utonic, Esquire

Leather Folio – Varano Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license

It was my custom upon reading written correspondence to return the letter to its envelope and place it into a small leather folder. The folder was of an unusually soft, yet strong leather. It was in the possession of my father, the late Doctor, M. Louis Deblois Charlevoix of Otsego, upon his untimely passing in 1977.

As I recall, it was in that very dimly lit flat where my father handed me the folder before he entered the hospital on the 1st of December of 1977.

“Claude, as you know I am quite ill. I regret that I will not see you live to marry and have children, but I take great joy in the fact that I have had the privilege of watching you grow to this age. Of all the many things I have done, in my life they pale compared to the time I have spent with my sons. Do not mourn my passing unduly, you may mourn but let us just mourn that our time together cannot continue in this world. If you need me, I will always be present in spiritu. You only need remember my words and my wisdom and this will yet be of exceptional value to you. The truth is that the wisdom is within you and if you would like to take succor in believing that it is I, then attribute it my spirit.”

“Father, this is a unfortunate circumstance. I am not going to know what to do without you.”

“If you will be amenable to my suggestion, then kindly heed: make a plan, no matter what it is, something you wish to do, some voyage you desire to take, some learning you yearn to seek. Just find some end and pursue it. Then find another object of your interest and pursue that. As for my part, my affairs are tidied up. There will be little work for you to do, I have made sure of that. You will receive some correspondence from my counsel and my accountant.”

My father turned to me for a moment, his eyes were obscured by the murky flickering of an old incandescent bulb.

Incandescent Light Bulbs

“Be wary of the Dictionary of Ancient Tongues, a Tome by Rochibauld. Professor Emmaeus Artemis Rochibauld was an Alsatian, quite mad, who was in the employ of the Department of Antiquities at the University of Diekirch, Grand-Duchy of Luxembourg until he was found dead in his bureau, a bloodied candlestick found beside him. It was clearly murther, but by whom?”

“Our family, young Claude, has but one skill, one art. It is more of a curse. We have an innate acumen in linguistic science. We can learn any language, any tongue, living or extinct with little effort. Surely you have noticed this about yourself. Our skill is so profound, that even ancient forgotten tongues and runic carvings reveal themselves to us. But beware, there are those who wish to translate works which are of such ancient and musty evil that must never be translated, lest the evil they possess borne from the very bowels of awful Hades  rise again!”

Charlevoix the elder sat in a wooden chair on the opposite side of the room in a state of unusual repose. He possessed a grey pallor. He was staring off into the distance in complete silence. His demeanor was calm, even blithe given his prognosis. It is that portrait of him that is embedded in my soul to this day. It is worthy of note that we appear in the same room in the same posture in an occasional nocturnal reverie to this day.

It was a dark, humid morning as I sat upon the banister of the stoop in a pose reminiscent of an ancient Grecian Statue. A long black limousine arrived in total ghastly silence. The auto was a vintage of an earlier age, spotless and spectacular, yet tasteful in its lines. A very large man alit from the machine. He was dressed as the finest chaffeur from a house of exquisite wealth and manner. He bowed low with a sweep of his gloved hand.

Limousine –  Wikimedia Commons – Oddaido

“M. Charlevoix. I am Portelquieaux, I am in the employ of M. Rochibauld. I am at your service.”

The giant man bowed low, then he picked up my valises, even the heaviest, with no effort. He placed them into the ample trunk of the auto. He opened the door for me.

The interior of this marvelous vehicle is worthy of mention here. It was empaneled with genuine dark chestnut wood. The seats were composed of the finest leather. The carpets on the floor were notable. They had a Persian pattern as if cut from a genuine Persian rug of an epoch contemporary to the car.

The space in the rear of the car was enormous, enough to seat six people facing each other in two rows of three. In the middle was a platter replete with the finest cheeses, various craquelins of blé, and a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rôthschild spirits Vintage 1870.

“My compliments to Monsieur Rochibauld for the refreshments Portelquieaux, and my most profound gratitude for your service in this endeavor.”

“Right then, M. Charlevoix, I am at your service in every regard.”

The day proved to be gloomy and dark, an early portent of Autumn. At times, the wind and driving rain played a spectacular symphony on the elder trees of rural Pennsylvania. The wine, in perfidious conspiracy with the rhythmic patter of the rain on the car, lulled me into a profound but unsettled state of torpor.

Another dream befell me. I awoke to find myself in a musty chamber entombed deep in the bowels of the earth beneath some great chateau. I was seated at a table engrossed in some work. In front of me, by the torchlight, was a great and hoary book of some forgotten age. The book was remarkable in that it was bound in thick, well-worn embossed leather with metal bindings. The pages were inscribed in some ancient script that was unfamiliar, yet for some reason comprehensible by way of some innate linguistic reason.

The Scenic Laurel Highlands – Wikimedia Commons – hhm8

I awoke on a rural mountain road somewhere in the mysterious and melancholy Laurel Highlands of the ancient Countie of Somerset Southwestern Pennsylvania. The car eventually turned onto a secluded road, which was covered by an exquisite arcade of perfectly aligned and spaced great, dense oaks. The vehicle came to a stop in the circular cart-way of an enormous mansion. There was a brass plate on the stone staircase at the entrance etched with the name “VTONIC” in Roman-style engraveur.

“Young Master, please accompany me. You may bathe and there will be suitable clothing. Your room has been prepared. All of your belongings will be taken to the room and anything you need for your studies or diversion will be provided.”

I did not ask from what fountainhead sprang this opulence of which I was the beneficiary, but it gave me a sense that this Monsieur Rôchibauld sought something of great value in return.

I was escorted to a spectacular room on the third floor of the great house.

Allow me to take a moment, dear readers, to provide as accurate as possible of a description of the surroundings as is necessary for you, the reader to comprehend my state of mind at that particular moment. Everything in the room in the way of paneling and furnishings was composed of the finest woods–chestnut, cherry, oak and other woods of a grandeur I cannot describe in sufficient detail to allow the reader a proper appreciation of the spectacle.

I walked about the room, inspecting and examining ephemera as was my wont. I found it unusual, that parts of an exquisitely rare and valuable collection of coins were in open presentation on various velvet-lined, varnished wooden boxes. There were gold coins and silver coins of the earliest periods of American coinage, along with various colonial coins in the finest condition I had ever seen. There were also books of exceedingly rare stamps and other collections of drawings and woodcuts. The bookshelves contained a wide collection of books in several languages. Each was quite ancient and I was surprised to discover that each was a first edition.

Continental Dollar –Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license – Lost Dutchman Rare Coins

I noticed a small desk that was unremarkable except for the fact that it bore neatly stacked embossed onion skin paper and luxurious fountain pens encased in mother of pearl or pure ivory. On the desk was another letter in the manner described heretofore.


25 August, 1978


TELEPHONE: (412) MArkleysburg5-2368

Dearest M. Claude Deblois Charlevoix,

I trust your voyage was satisfactory.

I hope that you will in no way be offended that I have taken the liberty of providing you with every accoutrement necessary to your enjoyment of your time spent at The Utonic. As I understand you appreciate the finest in rare numismata, philatela and ancient tomes, I have provided these for your enjoyment. Everything you find in the room is a gift from my personal collection, to show the deepest regards and affection for your willingness to accept this scholarship and internship in letters.

If you would join me for dinner at 6:00 sharp, I would be in your utmost debt. Portelquieaux will provide you with suitable dining attire.

Please Kindly Agree, to Accept This, My Sincerest Expression of my Most Profound Respect,

M. Perez Rochibauld Utonic, Esquire

It was to my greatest surprise when I descended the large Oak staircase to arrive at the dinner table to find only the Butler and a sublimely attractive yet melancholy young woman. She was dressed in a dinner gown of the most exquisite detail. I was attired in a full gentleman’s dining regalia of the epoch 1890. I held the mysterious lady’s chair for her as she was seated. We then sat at opposite ends of the table.

“I suppose you don’t fully know why you are here?” She asked blithely.

“I am to assist with the translation of some ancient tome, to the best of my understanding. But I beg you to pardon my most mild discomfort, Mademoiselle, but I do you a great disservice if I mention that we have not been formally introduced.

The Butler returned to the room.

“May I introduce to you M. Claude Deblois Charlevoix.”

I stood up and quickly arrived next to the young lady’s seat.

“Charmed” I said briskly, kissing her outstretched hand. I bowed low.

“May I present to you Mlle. Estelle Rochibauld Sachse-Heutélièr Utonic.”

“Enchanté, my dear sir.” She arose and smiled.

We resumed our seats. The dinner can only scarcely be described in a manner sufficient to explain the culinary délices arrayed in front of us.

Miss Utonic sipped on a glass of 1932 Château Lanéssan. “To resume our conversation, I must advise you that the purpose of this translation is a matter of great import. It is my father, Mr. Utonic for whom your assistance is sought. The letter you received is from him, but he is not present. I advise you that he was on the verge of passing away due to an illness, a sudden attack of the Belgian Grippe. It was at the precise moment prior to his passing into the netherworld that I so  I mesmerized him so his spirit would remain. He can still communicate but not in a way I care to relate at this moment.”

“And how may I be of any real assistance?”

“There is an incantation. It was used by the ancient Sumerians to revive those who have passed in an untimely manner from the corporeal world. It was translated or transliterated into Sanskrit. The Sanskrit used is contemporary to the time of Alexander, and one portion of it is incomprehensible. It is in an unusual dialect. No-one has translated it correctly in over two thousand years.”

“My knowledge of Sanskrit is strong due to self-study, my Dear Mlle., however, I must point out that I scarcely…”

“You have a gift, if I may be so bold, it is language that you understand not a language. Your ancestors, all human languages descend through you. You are one of the last true littérati, it is your family tree. The voice of Charles you are called. The power is almost at its peak. I have everything necessary for the re-animation of the hideous corpse, excepting the missing portion of text. I will need the presence of your brother as well, so I took the liberty of inviting him to the House next week.”

I matriculated at the University of the Laurel Highlands. I presented my credentials to Madame Bellerivière. I registered for general classes, but also the course of study recommended by Perez R.U. Esquire. The university had the appearance of being in existence since the 18th Century. The buildings were old, in the colonial style and covered in an unusual ivy.

As I sat in class, I contemplated what she said that evening. But could any task be so hideous? To re-animate a hideous, rotting corpse of the dead? Despite this terror I set to work that night in earnest. As the days passed, I had come to the realization, by the close of September that I could not undertake this endeavor alone. I scribed the following correspondence to my brother.


30 September, 1978


TELEPHONE: (412) MArkleysburg5-2367

Dearest M. Berthold Sevigny Charlevoix (8 Pherson Street, Old Allegheny City),

I hope this correspondence finds you in the best of health, my dearest brother.

I trust your studies are proceeding as intended.

There is a matter worthy of discussion in which we have a mutual interest which may prove to be of benefit to you.

I have undertaken a difficult translation of a Sumerian tome of unknown origin. I have need of your knowledge of cuneiform. Please join me promptly this weekend at the hereinabove mentioned address.

Please agree to accept this, my sincerest and most profound expression of my most affectionate salutations,

Your most devoted and humble servant,

M. Claude Deblois Charlevoix

I received my brother that next Friday evening at Utonic house. He arrived in a black Limousine, Vintage 1934, Portelquieaux helped him with his trunks. Miss Utonic greeted him in the parlor and had Portelquieaux find him a suitable quarters. My brother accompanied us for dinner. He was dressed in the most sophisticated and stately formal dinner attire.

Miss Utonic addressed us in her gracious yet somber style.

“It is a pleasure to have both of you here. Utonic House has been most unbearable the past few years. The two of you have now brightened the otherwise gloomy atmosphere that pervades every seeming nook of this revered and hoary estate. You bring an aura of joyous renewal and hope to this ancient house.”

Portelquieaux ceremoniously offered a 1927 Taylor Fladgate Vintage Port.

“This wine, I must say has an exquisitely delectable bouquet. The midpalate has delightful tannins and only a hint of the acidity that plagued the 1926.” Said my brother as he tasted the wine.

“How remarkable, this is precisely how I felt about the 1926. So tell me how do feel about the complexity of this 1927 vintage?”

“I prefer to think of it as vertical experimentation so to speak having assayed the 1925, 26 and now ’27, I feel that I have a sense of the wine. This particular beauty represents the bold character of the 1927’s.”

“Aah the red port, if I may be so bold, the Red Port as it is called is typically blended using several varieties of grape. No-one is exactly certain of the which variety or proportion. In the Douro lowlands, often the Vintner themselves are not sure of the nature of each grape.”

“Absolutely. I am afraid your brother doesn’t have quite the flair for the art of tasting I am sorry to report.”

“He was always a bit like that, he prefers the Johnny Roaker Blue Label I am afraid.”

“Aah whiskey, I felt it in him.”

It was at this point that Miss Utonic revealed the nature of our labours. My brother, owing to his curiosity was not the least bit appalled by the ghastly object of our task. He retired from dinner, leaving Miss Utonic with the impression of his utmost devotion to the project.

My brother worked with me on the translation faithfully every weekend that fall.

We pored over every musty ancient Tome in the vast libraries of Utonic House.

While back at University during the weekdays, we painstakingly researched every word, every phrase. We unlocked every secret of ancient grammar and mysterious forgotten rime.

My brother became enamored with the Utonic House and with its most endearing resident, the lovely Miss Utonic. He fell under the hypnotic spell of her low tones and ancient hidden secrets.

They were prone to taking long walks in the garden discussing everything from wine to the matters of the day. But never once did she again broach the subject of the Master of the Estate, the ghastly M. Utonic.

My brother and Miss Utonic seemed to grow closer, while at the same time, I felt more and more distant from her. I began to suspect her of the most evil intent. I sensed that she was slowly drawing him closer. She always plied him with the rarest books, which he would twice refuse in the most gentlemanly manner, then accept with feigned grudging politesse.

I was prone to walk the grounds of the estate or explore the Utonic house alone when my brother and Miss Utonic would be attending in the drawing room enraptured in some deep discussion over some medieval writing. Upon my long strolls, I would take note of the curious state of the grounds, that the flora seemed impervious to the cold or the change of the season. The leaves of plants, though seemingly deciduous, held their color, yet the color while green was somewhat unnatural and waxen.

I also explored the inside of the estate. I did not want to appear overly curious, and thus be a guest or common manners, but my curiosity was piqued by the grandeur and complexity of the estate’s interior. Every room was paneled with woods of a remarkable hue, rich in both depth and clarity. Almost every room was filled with ancient books and a complex insets and curious shelves. There were innumerable passages and staircases. I often felt that I was being observed although I could see no-one. It was almost as if I was being encouraged to search the house by voices unheard and words unspoken.

In the evenings after dinner, I would locate for myself a quiet spot of repose in one of the ornate rooms, and I would examine a different book. These volumes were always quite old, quite well-preserved and always first editions. Not only wealth alone could allow one to amass such a collection of tomes. It also took a great expanse of time.

Often I would hear Miss Utonic descend to the always-locked basement of the estate, then I would hear her voice in rhythmic trance-like tones. I would feel, no verily sense, a hideous deep answer that seemed to come from the hideous bowels of hell itself. I did not know so much if I had heard it or if I imagined I heard it in some dark recess of my very soul, but I feared the speaker was not of this world, but of some ancient soul of another time and dimension.

My brother and I would work together faithfully every weekend. We pored over every ancient phrase and rime that we could glean from hoary books of myriad scholars of the Sumerian and Sanskrit tongues.

When I noted the names of the horrible, shocking Pal Yattar the ghastly master of the hideous other-world of which no one can speak and the terrible, fabulous Mathoth the ghoulish master of time and space unknown, I began to convey my suspicions about Miss Utonic’s intent to my brother. However, such is his faith in human nature, he would always say that he observed only the highest of feminine character in her conduct, which in his words, was always impeccable as if schooled by a race of the highest breeding that time had long since forgotten.

The ancient sky above Utonic Manor

I believed in to be an obligation of the highest order to ensure that I knew how to counter-act this great evil with incantations that I learned and committed to memory from the hideous words of the very same shocking and malevolent texts. I am certain the Mlle. Utonic knew nothing of my plans.

My brother had gone to the pain of scribing a letter which he left in the leather pouch heretofore described. His only design could have been to secret the letter from the eyes our most gracious hostess, Mlle. Utonic.


23 November, 1978


TELEPHONE: (412) MArkleysburg5-2367

Dearest M.  Claude Deblois Charlevoix (5 Uniontowne Pike, Markleysburg),

My dearest most beloved little brotherling,

In the hopes that this writing may find you in the highest spirits.

I am certain both your studies and your efforts at translation are proceeding to your highest expectations.

I have given a great deal of consideration to your concerns about the Mistress of Utonic House and they have not gone without notice. Although your impression of her character may be a trifle excessive, I do believe there is some merit to your unease.

Miss Utonic discussed with me at length the lineage of our family. While I attributed this to a fancy of the study of genealogy, I wonder if her motives were not entirely above the board. You see the power of language which descends to us from an ancient Basquiat family is strongest when only one survives. Thus, I fear for you living in that place.

I believe that her intention is to raise her father from beyond the eternal grave. My research has led me to believe that the incantation she seeks is the one to re-animate the deceased! I will tell you at length the next time I see you at Utonic, old fellow. Were, I you I would think of seeking suitable accommodation in other environs.

Would you kindly agree to accept this, my most profound expression of my most sincere greetings,

Your beloved servant,

M. Berthold Sevigny Charlevoix

I carried my labours through until December the 18th of the year our beloved risen saviour nineteen-hundred and seventy-eight.

I was focused on one book, on one passage in an ancient Sumerian scroll. All of our best efforts were fruitless in gaining a comprehension of its cryptic meaning.

After repeated efforts, the passage became as clear as day. I cross-referenced it to several known tomes including Thomsen’s shocking and hideous work on ancient Sumerian and MacDonell’s on Sanskrit. I not only knew through my intellectual capacities, but I felt, I saw the words! I saw the ancient high priest speaking the words! I saw the hideous visage of the mesmerized Mister Utonic!

As was her wont, Miss Utonic would often take me on long walks on the top of a high hill overlooking Olde Uniontowne. Her gait was stately and mysterious, like the elegant stroll of the spectre of an ancient priestess of a civilization forgotten by time.

There was a strange series of ancient stone ruins which resembled the foundation of some Phoenician house. Upon closer perusal, one could see savage carvings of some ghastly ancient people.

When one would ascend to this place, it had the unusual aspect in that it was always colder than the surrounding fields and woods. It was filled with a constant air of melancholy and gloom.

It was with no surprise that she invited me to appear at this place on the 21st day of December in the Year of our most horribly martyred Lord, being the 1,978th.

Miss Utonic claimed that there was an old family ritual to welcome the arrival of winter. It was curious that she made no preparation for, nor no mention of the arrival of Christmas. She gave me a long, hooded, brown robe to keep me warm. The robe bore the same marking I saw on the outside of the curious Sumerian scroll. We slowly ascended to the bluffs as if in a rhythmic trance, each step with growing purpose and ancient terror.

Ancient Sumerian Scroll – US Public Domain, because the author is long perished

When we arrived at the pinnacle, the sight was shocking and filled me with a sense of unseemly paralytic horror. Miss Utonic had painstakingly prepared a savage altar!

The writings were now abundantly clear! The evil deed was to be performed at the precise moment of the winter solstice on the desolate bluffs overlooking old Uniontowne.

The bluffs were named Old Scratch’s Playground by the superstitious local denizens.

It seemed to the casual observer to be a series of ancient steps dating back far beyond Indian times to some unknown civilization.

I now knew that the steps led inevitably to this horrific and ghastly stone altar, stained black with the ghoulish blood of ancient ritual sacrifice to the horrible, fabulous Pal Mathoth!

We stood perched on ancient ruins by the edge of the cliff. Some unseen power prevented my escape, as if I were frozen to the spot. The place was grey and desolate and evoked a spirit of the most powerful melancholy.

I approached the altar at 11:00 in the AM on this, being the savage 21st of December, the Winter solstice! The sun had not quite leveled across the evil stones.

Miss Utonic was dressed in the garments of an ancient Sumerian High Priestess. The altar was decorated in shocking pictograms of unspeakable macabre evil.

On the altar lay the hideous shriveled ghastly body of her mesmerized father, writhing with the demonic spirits of an other-dimensional netherworld and next to his torpid corpse was my own brother! He too was shrieking ancient incantations in some state of trance.

The shocking fabulous altar of savage Kaph! by the edge of the cliff

Yattar! Mathoth! She uttered with her hands to her ears as if to summon and conjure the hideous Kaph himself!

An eerie whistling of the savage spirits of ancient hells were unleashed on the mountainside in a shrieking, swirling, demonic cacophony! She continued the incantation reading from my own translation!

My brother began to writhe rhythmically to the tempo of the incantations. At the same time, her father began to speak with a hideous voice from beyond the grave, verily from demonic hell itself! “Yattar! Mathoth! In the name of the hideous, fabulous Kaph, the Ancient One! I thus conjure thee!” I could see the horrible old man reviving and rising rigidly as one hellish demon! At the same time I could see life draining from my brother.

I ran to the altar and I seized the sacred hideous cup of the fabulous, shocking demon Mathoth from her hands just as she had raised the evil decanter for the final horrible incantation!

“Do not stop me! It is prophesized! You must fulfill your portion!”

She shrieked.

I summoned the words from the deep recesses of my memory. “Mattan! Attunah! Return to your evil world!”

Suddenly, the rotting corpse of the ghastly father decomposed into the most fabulous, shocking, hideous mass of horrid, evil putrescence, the description of which is so vulgar and terrifying to the good puritan soul, as to not admit of any proper expression by a man of the ancient Huguenot Christian faith.

The hideous corpse of the evil M. Utonic devolved into powdery dust, and a musty wind blew his ghoulish ashes from the altar.

Just at that very moment, the evil Miss Utonic burst into an fabulous purplish flame! And, she was hurled by an unseen force, shrieking her demonic death-cry, from Said very precipice.

No trace of her was ever found. I pulled my brother to safety and we descended back to Olde Markleysburg.

When we returned to the place of the House of Utonic, the entire house and estate was gone as if every tree, pathway and stone was swallowed by the hideous, writhing humus itself.

My brother was rendered amnesiac of the entire shocking series of events that Autumn, and he could, to his profound regret, recall nothing of merit to offer me any assistance with the authorities.

I was later detained and questioned by the authorities relative to the bizarre events and the large terrifying otherworldly flame that was observed on the bluffs by the good Christian population of the City of Uniontowne.

My answers to the Sherriffe were rambling and incoherent. Use of language escaped me. Language! The very ancient art of the house of Charlevoix! My very birthright had now failed me.

There was of course, a lengthy investigation by the local authorities, but with no witnesses other than myself, and there being no corporeal evidence left of the estate of the evil House Utonic, my words were given little merit despite my standing as a young gentleman.

I was thus placed under the intense study of a local psychologist who advised the Court of Quarter Sessions that I was indeed quite mad.


The hearing, in the ancient and honored Courthouse in the Towne of Olde Somerset proceeded as follows:

“Oyez, Oyez, Oyez all ye please rise, the Court of the Honorable Judge J. Macpherson MacTaggerty in Quarter Session for the Winter of the Year of the Risen Christ Nineteen Hundred and Seventy-Nine in this Commonwealth of Pennsylvania is now in session. All ye who intend to speak today in this proceeding please rise and raise your right hand. Do you, before almighty God the searcher of all hearts and the only true Christian Faith, declare that the evidence you shall give in the cause now being heard is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth as you shall answer to God on the last great day?”

“There shall be but one witness your honor, it is a Doctor Phenarious Q. Root of Somerset.”

The ancient professorial bespectacled wise Doctor arose.

“I am Doctor Phenarious Root, licensed by the Board of Medicine and Psychiatry of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, 5 December 1933. I am 70 years of age. I need only submit to you this record of examination. After the most careful clinical assessment, I must with great sorrow state that one M. Claude DeBlois Charlevoix is quite insane. He speaks of an address that does not exist – there is not now, nor was there ever a 5 Uniontowne Pike. There is no personage by the name of a Mlle. Utonic and there was certainly never a vile scrivener, known as one M. Perez Rochibauld Utonic, Esquire. These are the products of a depraved, diseased, lunatic mind. This patient is an extreme danger to himself and the good Christian persons of the Commonwealth. He must be committed to a sanitarium for an indefinite period under the most rigorous and vicious medical treatments until he may be again examined and judged sane by the strictest of medical definitions.”

The judge slammed is gavel: “So ruled, in the name of our Risen Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and the charitable founder, the most honorable peaceable Quaker William Penn of the most ancient and revered fully Christian Commonwealth of Pennsylvania in this honored Court of Quarter Sessions.”

And thus, beloved readers, I was whisked away to my fate.


Alas, you may be made aware, that I sit here to this very day, locked securely within the confines of this sanitarium.

I am safe here from the visions.

I seek not to read any book, nor any journal, nay any written words. Though I turn my back on the ancient legacy of the House of Charlevoix, I fear and seek to avoid any perusal of written language itself! Lest, my dear friends, I recall the shocking and fabulous events of so many years ago.

It is only in this way, that I can achieve equilibrium and freedom from the hideous, macabre apparitions that haunt me to this day.

You will kindly accept this, my most profound and reverent expression of my most sincere gratitude, and I take your leave, being I, your most humble and gracious servant, Claude Deblois of the most ancient house of Charlevoix, late of Laurel View Sanitarium,  in this, the Countie of Olde Somerset in the free and ancient fully and only Christian Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, this 31st day of October, being this, the 2009th year of the birth of our Martyred Saviour, the official and legal deity of Said beloved Quaker the Rt. Hon. Wm. Penn.