”Marijuana… do you smoke it? This is not an after-school special @&$&@&! This is not a joke. You will smoke my @&$&&& weed, @&$&@&, only the finest, pure Squirrel 🐿 Hill Kush, do you feel me?”
I asked the Stalker 👀.
She took the savage blunt (Pronounced Philadelphia Blount, P.I.) She inhaled the satanic cannaboid fumes of the shitty devil 😈 She was overcome with a demonic fury borne of the deepest fires 🔥 of savage hell! Then she handed the roach to the Professor who took a long studious Roak on the cannaboid.
”Do your readers know that your entire website is bull 🐄 shit 💩? That each post is just a different use of style, syntax or grammar and that the posts have no intrinsic meaning, purpose or value other than as literary exercises?”
Shroake the Professor 👩🏫
“It’s a goddamned scam, your readers have been hoodwinked, they been bamboozled. Your entire site is the white man’s sexy, muscular, yummy 😋 red-hot lie.”
Shroake Revolutionary B., inhaling the wacky weed.
The man-pizza 🍕 composed of death 💀 inducing processed meat 🥩 was piping hot 🥵 on the table in the Writer’s Workshop.
Dateline: McKeesport, Lysle Boulevard. Monongahela Amphitheater. Studio of Mon Valley Pirate Underground Bootleg Radio Network.
Radio Announcer: “Hello Boppers! (Pronounced Bhah-Paahz) We have a big get-together in Renzie Park tonight! Writers from Eastern Ohio, Northern West Virginia and Western Pennsylvania will all be their for the big summit!”
”The Plug 🔌 Uglies! The Forty (Pronounced Phaugherty) Thieves! The Dead 💀 Rabbits 🐇!… sorry 😐 wrong movie…”
The Bellefield Bolean Nationality Classroom Workshoppiers Writer’s Workshop are at the huge McKeesport Writer’s Gang summit.
KGB, dressed in robes on huge platform above giant throng of local Writer’s groups, each Workshop dressed in their distinctive 1979 gang outfits. KGB raises hands in air dramatically.
“Can you dig it! CAN YOU DIG IT! Look at us, my brothers and sisters! The tri-state area has only 2,000 cops, but here are 5,000 writers! Soon we can control publishing in the entire area! There is more than enough for all of us! CAN YOU DIG IT!”
Shots ring out. The KGB falls on the platform in Hollywood dramatic slow-motion from seven different camera angles. The gangs of mediocre local Writers scatter. Critics gaggle out of the Park, slowly pontificating, and dangling modifiers.
“The Botendaddy did it, yeah, it was the sexy shitty old Botendaddy and the shitty Nationality Classrooms Writer’s Workshoppiers! It’s the shitty Workshoppiers! They shot the KGB!”
Shroake Cedar, the crazy, sexy, insane, psycho bad-guy shooter from the shitty stupid ignorant smelly Mt. Lebanon Twerp-Loser-Illiterates. (Hides gun hastily)
The Writer’s Workshoppiers run away, escaping through the crowd into a nearby cemetery. They are wearing gang leather muscle shirts with a blue alien logo and a quote from Emerson. Most are leaning on knees, panting.
“Botendaddy, man, what are we going to do? How can we make it back to Bellefield Avenue?”
Asked Revolutionary Blacquéz.
“Listen, now dig this, man, we can make it. We have to stick together. We may have to catch the bus…”
Shroake the Botendaddy
“I’m like totally afraid man, like what are we gonna do?”
Just then, out of nowhere are people carrying wiffle ball bats, dressed like a cross between Pirates and baseball players with racist gold-face and more dangling modifiers.
“So you guys are the Shittacious Bellefield Workshoppiers! We’re the White Oaks Script-Writers, ⛹️ you freaks killed the shitty KGB and there’s a big fat reward, man, and we’re gonna’ kick your ass and rake in the cash!”
Shroake their bizarre leader Willie Wackadoo.
”You guys stink like 💩 are you gonna’ help us or fight us! No-one cares about your jejeune local writing ✍️. Your prose is tortured and your syntax is derivative.
Shroake the No-one Cares Lady.
Huge brawl breaks out with the SB’s. Their bats 🦇 are seized by Big Chief Guyasuta and the Caribbean Queen. They proceed to beat the shit out of the SB’s and chase them away.
The Angry Online Social Justice Warrior Guy sees a lone man in full drag on a bench in the dark. The AOSJWG tries to molest him, but it turns out the drag queen 👸 is an undercover cop 👮♀️. He handcuffs the AOSJWG to the park bench and the cops swarm the cemetery. The gang head to North Versailles.
Radio Voice with visible lips 👄 and a microphone 🎙. “Stay Tuned, Boppers! It seems that due to modern tracking devices, the Workshoppiers have made it to North Versailles!”
The Workshoppiers make their way to Route 30, where they catch a ride from a gray bus 🚎 filled with musicians or it’s a gang dressed like musicians!
“We’re the Forest Hills Felchers! We know you sexy Workshoppiers didn’t kill the KGB, but if you want free passage to Frick Park, you gotta pay 💰 and you can’t wear your jackets 🧥!”
Shroake their leader, Felix Filimon, the Euphonium player.
“No Dice 🎲!”
Shroake the Librarian.
Huge brawl ensues on the bus 🚌. Bus is set on fire 🔥 and Warriors escape into Frick Park, as the Players watch their instruments 🎻 burn.
They walk through the park when they meet a group from the Environmental Center.
”We’re the Greenfield Green Weenies, you shitty Workshoppiers! And we need the 10g’s to Fund our Winter ❄️ Garden!
”Let’s not do this.”
Shroake the Professor 👩🏫, striking their leader Griselda Grinboim, with a dangling modified tree 🌳 limb. Mega brawl ensues. Weenies have the shit beaten out of them.
The Workshoppiers dramatically walk up to Forbes and Murray where they are met by the Squirrel 🐿 Hill Sirens, 🚨 the only All-female Writer’s Gang. The girls invite the Writer’s Workshop back to their lair on Murray Avenue.
”I am Rachel, do ya want this bodeee? Do ya want dis sexy bodee!!”
Shroake their feckless leader.
”Botendaddy sucks! He’s an anus! Let’s get the reward!”
Shroake Mimi, the second in command and rival literary critic.
The Sirens 🚨 almost seduce Devon when another brawl breaks out and the Workshoppiers, lead by the CEO 👩💼 monkey 🐒 stomp the girls and make their escape.
Radio voice and lips 👄 on microphone 🎙: “OK Boppers! A certain gang called the Workshoppiers have made it to Squirrel 🐿 Hill. Be safe Workshoppiers! Don’t listen to the Siren’s 🚨 Song.
The Workshoppiers catch the 61C bus 🚌. A pair of young couples of well-dressed real writers headed for the Writer’s Prom look at the dirty, talentless Workshoppiers. Botendaddy puts his arm around the Weird 😜 Foreign 🇳🇵 Doctor 👩⚕️ Chick 🐥 .
They end up at Flagstaff Hill. Then they hear: “Clink, clink, clink… Workshoppiers… 🎼 come out to play, Workshoppiers… 🎶 come out to play-ee-yay!”
It was shitty Cedar from shitty Mt. Lebanon!
”Are you guys packed?”
Shroake the Botendaddy.
Everyone shows their notebooks, 📓 pencils ✏️, Strunk & White, thesauruses and tablets.
Then on the Flagstaff Hill non-existent beach, 🏖 the two unrealistically campy gangs have their epic confrontation replete with bad theme music 🎵. Cedar vs. the Botendaddy.
”Why did you do it man? Why did you shoot the KGB?”
Asked the Botendaddy.
”Cause I’m a moron from Mt. Lebanon and I just like doing stuff like that!”
Bolean gang shows up and surrounds them all.
Botendaddy beats the living dog 🐕 shit 💩 out of Cedar. Boleans drag the Shrieking Cedar away.
He is confronted by the Bolean 2IC.
”We know you Workshoppiers ain’t do it. Va en paix, longue-carbine!”
Critic’s Studio: 37th and Lexington, City and County and State of New York.
Botendaddy is seen reclining in giant plush Warhol-type chair wearing ‘faggy’ beret, ‘gay’ German (Pronounced Jeeuh-maahn) black turtleneck, oversized ‘queer’ round 1970’s pink-tinted sunglasses 🕶 and a ‘flamboyant’ purple scarf 🧣. He is Roaking Czech Cigaretu.
Three heroin-thin women are performing modern socialist femynyst revolutionary interpretive dance 💃 to impossibly idiotic failed 1980’s modern classical music 🎼 by the unknown talentless effete composer 👩🎨 Bertlhod Von Froakenschteen, Who is seated on a dirty green couch 🛋 drinking a schnapps and dangling a modifier.
’Girls are icky poo poo!’ Also sprach von Froakenschteen.
„Gibt es hier Karl Heinz Schnellebakker- Söest Television 📺 (Pronounced Teluh-veeee-zyown)“
‘Güten Abend Meng Geehrter Häär Botendaddy, was gibst mit dieser neue Bücher 📚? ‚Kalt 🥶 Kriegen Espies Geschichte‘?’
‘Dass ist ganz ausgezeichnet falsche Deutsche Volksgesprache (Pronounced Pfelkii-gie-spraah-ccchuh) dass Du denn hast jetzt gesprochen, Karl, Meng Geehrter Häär.’
‘Your Geschichte of Cold War Europe (Pronounced Eye-row-pah) in the early 1980’s, my yummy Botendaddy, is disturbingly accurate. However your readership hates you, hates your filthy Kapitalist Zionist (Pronounced Zoy-yo-knieste) lies, your yummy 😋 adult diapers, your slow running, your shitty workouts your tortured 😖 bad writing ✍️ and your stupid Western Amerikanischen Writer’s Workshop. You disgust me, yet I am attracted to you in a fatalistic but delectable man on man sort of way. You are delicious 😋 and your writing makes me want to vomit 🤮 and defecate 💩 at the same time.’
‘Shut up Schnellebakker, you stupid German sexy man-twat. I don’t write faeces 💩 like Goethe, you moron. You wouldn’t know good writing ✍️ if it slapped you in your gaping anus. I must recite that I am madly romantically in love 🥰 with you in an antebellum early American Romanticism hoop skirt drag queen sort of way.‘
‚JaWohl 👍! Meng Geehrter Häär! Dass ist recht Wahrscheinlich!‘
Do you get it? – As in Angry Online Guy on Queddit trying to show everyone that you somehow don’t understand the gibberish he driveled, when in fact… You don’t agree with the DUMMY
Walk off – This is not a baseball expression. It probably originated with some DUMMY Red Sox fan, who being from Boston are the dumbest people in the universe. Everything is a walk-off. A walk-off homerun, a walk-off single. A walk off walk. A walk-off walk-off. SHUT UP, STUPID!
‘New’ – as in ‘I was in Operation Desert Storm’ the shoosting started and ‘it was new’ I know this goes back a long way, but I respect you as a fellow veteran, so I will put this gently: ‘SHUT UP, YOU PRETENTIOUS TWAT WITH YOUR WAR STORIES!’ a. There were women, children and elderly people in the war zone that had it way worse than any of us ever did. b. Sorry to bruise your ego, but even Iraq wasn’t the first time I had a gun pointed in my face, Ringo.
I’m listening to Alice’s Restaurant right now, by Arlo Guthrie. I love Arlo. If you don’t then, F*&^ OFF! And also to your opinion: YAWN
My daughter absconded with my 1st Cav Patch. All of my Cav stuff belongs to her. She stole all of my bullshit Army medals and ribbons too.
I USE CAPS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE USING CAPS. This is you: Stop using caps, you big sexy brute! Me: YAWN
There are several intwerwoven themes in the infamous 1977 hockey movie: ‘Slapshot’ directed by George Roy Hill and brilliantly written by Nancy Dowd.
The theme in fiction is a literary artifice, being viewed variously by Homer as the the main topic of a story. Literary themes have zwei Weltunschauungen: according to Kierkegaard – the Existential Theme as envisioned by the readers (per Sartre) and the Thematic Statement (C.D. Broad ontology) which is how the author presents the theme.
The Movie is a comedy but it is really a tragedy about the death of the Industrial heartland and the end of the road for once-mighty Johnstown, Pennsylvania. The hockey team is thus allegory for the lifecycle of the town.
Allegory has been described by Dumas as a literary device which extends a metaphor whereby a location, occurrence or person expresses a philosophical statement to illustrate the larger human state of affairs.
Which Metaphor has similarly been elucidated by Milton as a figure of speech which is a form of rhetoric wherein one thing or construct thus directly refers to another similar construct by reference and thus, according to Dante, illuminate the human condition.
Slapshot has a ‘Grapes of Wrath’ Working Class Hero motif. Common people with average capabilities doing their best in a world over which they have little control.
Theme one: Fear
Fear, as a theme, often expressed as Existential angst or the imaginary otherworldly realm of terror, was viewed by Poe as an eternal trepidation of the future or the unknown.
The main character, the player-coach Reggie Dunlop (Paul Newman) comments about the mill shutting down and ten thousand people losing their jobs and their way of life. The workers are powerless just like the hockey players who find out their team may be shut down as well. The players and the workers have something in common. The skill they have is their only skill. They don’t have education or training to do anything else. Their fear of the unknown is high.
Theme two: Honor:
Honor was viewed by Emerson as being derived from one or more of the seven Roman virtues. Kurosawa saw honor as the basis for the inner struggle of man vs himself (hero vs villain) and man vs man (conquering one’s inner demons). Whitman viewed honor as the essential basis for man-on-man homosexual romance, while Fitzgerald viewed it as the means to avoid tragedy in the heterosexual romance.
The star of the team, Ned Braden (Michael Ontkean) wants to win through hard work and skill. Reggie and the GM don’t care how they win, as long as attendance is better and the team becomes valuable enough not to fold. The violence and dirty play leads to an inevitable showdown between the moronic Hanson brothers and the worst collection of hockey criminals the world has ever seen.
Theme three: Desperation.
Baudelaire, viewed the literary theme of desperation as an essential motivating driver of a character. LeRochefocaud believed that it was a push driver (‘engin d’appuis) par opposition à (engin de tirer).
Everyone has a cockeyed plan to save the Chiefs. Reggie provides false hope by planting a fake story about moving to Florida, thus motivating the players to win and increasing profitability to show the unknown owner thatvthe team is worth saving. The GM organizes fashion shows and brings in three spectacularly idiotic violent goons to up attendance. The players try to win the championship.
Theme four: Isolation
Isolation has often been discussed by Freud as that sense of anomie whereby life is perceived as without objective meaning, purpose or rules wherein the ego is separated from others by social and psychological space causing the Id to be repressed and resulting in a state of what Kant described as Angst.
We start out with Denis LeMieux, the French-Canadian goaltender far from home. The only other player with real skill and a future in the game. His melancholy is reflected with his fatalistic demeanor but a dogged desire to succeed. The GM, deeply closeted who has no real friends except Reggie, whose own views have evolved with the modern age, who keeps both the GM’s secret as Reggie also keeps the secret of the bisexual goaltenders’ wife.
Theme five: fractured love:
Love is one of the most prevalent themes in literature. Jane Austen describes love as having the power in the novel to provoke sadness where love is unrequited, denied or withheld. Or, it adds to the dramatic technique of suspense, use relationships to illustrate the eternal power of love over the passage of time.
Ned Braden’s wife Lily (Lindasy Crouse) married an Ivy Leaguer who she hoped would bring her a life of wealth and dignity and instead she is on the road in a collapsing mill town while her husband chases a not-so-successful minor league hockey career. Reggie and his ex Francine (Jeniffer Warren) did not survive the strain of his hockey career. They love each other but aren’t right for each other.
Final theme: hopeless optimism
Voltaire expressed the position that the optimist viewed the nature of man as essentially Good. Thus, if all action that can be described as good or evil can only be ascribed to sentient beings, rather than nature, which is immutable, the theme of Man vs Man is thus exposed to the reader.
The Hanson brothers are always happy. They just enjoy life and they believe that they can always win if they just try. Reggie believes that he can succeed far beyond his abilities just by hatching one clever plot after another. He believes he can save the team and get his wife back at the same time. Denis believes he can make the NHL.
In the end, Reggie confronts reality. His goal of gooning it up and then gooning it down nearly gets the naive, young Hanson brothers killed. His goal of saving the team is dashed when he confronts the absentee owner who views the players as assets on paper rather than as human beings which is allegory for the Steel Mill owners who shut the Mill to save money and destroyed the town. Reggie never gives up. His team wins the championship. He chases a new job and he tries to win back Francine.
Like the townspeople of the collapsed industrial City, Reggie never gives up. Even if he has to go and seek new horizons he still believes he can find his way.
I don’t review modern movies often for many reasons:
1. I don’t give a rat 🐀 about superheroes
2. I’m not interested in JLo or Julia Roberts
3. I don’t want to see Rom-Coms
4. I don’t care about sexy super cool car chase movies
5. I can’t stand CGI based nouveau video game sci-fi
6. I’m not interested in Transformers XII
7. I don’t like War Films with 30 minute long incomprehensible battle scenes
“Continental Divide, 1981”
Blair Brown might be the most wooden, unbelievable actress I’ve ever seen. Every line and every pose seems phony and forced. Both her and Belushi sleepwalk through the film 🎞. Belushi’s lines also seem forced and unrealistic.
The pacing is slow. The film is boring. The direction is atrocious and the musical score seems out of some late 60’s romance film.
The script is also poor and unimaginative at best. The supporting actors are remarkably unattractive and uninteresting.
Summary: Top newspaper reporter, Ernie Souchak (Belushi) is at risk after reporting on a shady local politico. Gets sent on assignment to cover an ornithologist in the Rockies. They have adventures. He has to adapt to the great outdoors. Falls in love with female ornithologist (Blair Brown). They meet again in Chicago. Gets on train 🚊 with girl. Souchak can’t live without her, keeps missing stops… yes, I would have done that sort of crazy spontaneous thing in my youth…
If you love Belushi, you can try to watch this film. But it is slow, boring and bad. Tony Ganios as ‘Possum’ was a bright spot. The beleaguered newspaper editor was almost believable.
What could have saved it:
1. Less sappy musical score.
2. Two different leads (Contrast Wilder and Clayburgh in Silver Streak) sorry, John.
3. Get rid of the attack by the Puma. The Puma in the house was enough.
4. Make better use of Chicago as backdrop.
5. Better filming techniques. Every scene was poorly framed. Close when it should have been far away, far away when it should have been a close up.
I hate this movie 🎥. Even if it was intended as a Rom-com chick movie, it just didn’t work. You can watch at your own risk, but remember, I warned you.
Scene opens in Lakeside Rust Belt town pans across the City then focuses on shitty storefront of shitty old buildings on a shabby near-abandoned Main Street. We see a skeezy quasi-homeless Black dude in an Army Jacket go into a comic book store.
”Yo NP what’s up!!!”
”Hi Crazy Jim, how are you today, my good sir?”
”Hey man I got a slew… a slew! Of comic books for you man. They were having a garage sale over in D’Arcy and I grabbed the whole box for five dollars, you know what I’m saying my Neckbeardification?”
Places a large cardboard box on the counter.
”Ah a true treasure trove of ancient delights! A ‘puffy moon 🌚 unicorn 🦄 manga’ 1st issue! A superduperpooperman from 1951! Do you want to do consignment or cash up front?”
”Well Pete, I need that money 💰 rent coming due at the Flophouse Hot-l on Main.”
”Well my good sir, I will give you $100.00 up front, and to be fair, I will give you 40% if I can sell the superduperpooperman for a princely sum, despite it’s spurious provenance of acquisition!”
”Pete, you alright, you the only mothaf&$&r who pays decent money. Mr. Kochboim at the Pawn ♟ Shop is a cheaty-ass motherf@&$&r! Hey man, you gonna’ eat that?”
”You May finish my Calzone, my dear Sir!”
CJ grabs the Calzone and pockets the C-Note.
The massive neckbeard begins to stock and catalog the rare comics, oohing and aahing with each obviously purloined rare edition.
The Bell 🛎 jungles as a young woman enters the store 🏬. She is platinum blonde 👱♀️ voluptuous and very obviously 🙄 insane 😜.
NP turns around in shock. “Milady! May I welcome you to my establishment! Thou art a rare beauty indeed, my fair maiden!”
”You don’t remember me, do ya! I was at the Chautauqua SCA Renaissance Faire. I was the Princess 👸 to be worshipped by all. WORSHIPPED BY ALL SHITTY MORTALS!”
She loudly shrieked, causing Lord Chewy, Pete’s ridiculous Persian cat to leap from a shelf and run in terror.
The girl was one of those weirdos, who despite being incredibly hot, had to be surrounded by groveling, hideous freaks, geeks and weirdos so she could be worshipped by subservient males like a Nerd-Con Furry anime goddess. Competition from normal, non-insane women was too terrifying a proposition.
”What brings thee to our fair town M’Lady?”
”I’m opening a beauty salon 💇 right next door. I heard you were handy in flipping storefronts. On the second floor, I’m selling wigs, furry tails and all manner of costumes for Cos-play and LARP. I AM THE GODDAMNED GODDESS GODDAMN YOU!”
Her shrieks shook the front window glass.
Pete bows low, sweeps with Fedora. “Thou art my Princess and I swear fealty to Thee fair maiden! May I offer Thee a Chamomile?”
”Thank you milord, I think I shall partake of thy tea. I get lemon 🍋 and two sugars. No shitty sweeteners.”
The two weirdos sit down at the reading table and sip tea ☕️ and eat biscottis. Shitty beater cars cleave through the in-plowed snow on the street.
”So, my name is Agnes, but I go by Princess Rhea, goddess of knowledge. GODDESS!! My step-mom died and left money to me and my step-sister. My step-mom always hated me. She said: “you’re so retarded. It’s like you have brain 🧠 damage. Why can’t you be like your sister? She’s so smart. She went to Case Western. She makes good money. She married a doctor 👩⚕️. She started a family. You’re a stupid, dumb, retard, embarrassment to our family with your stupid comic books and ‘Cons’ going to beauty school and SCA conventions with all those shitty fat pimple covered losers living in a dream world with your stupid science fiction books. Have you ever even been on a date? Have you ever kissed a boy? You’re 23 and still a Virgin. I should have beaten the living shit out of you when you were a little girl. I’m so ashamed of you. It’s like your sister got all the good DNA 🧬 and you got the crap 💩. Your stupid father coddled you… ack… ack…” Then right in the middle of her Shrieking at me she dropped dead 💀 from a heart attack! All my prayers came true, my liege!”
She crossed her legs and stared out the window, weeping uncontrollably. Neckbeard removes Fedora and kneels kissing her extended hand.
”Thy evil 🦹♀️ step-mother is no more! The witch has melted! She feared and envied thy great beauty O’ Princess Rhea! I shall help thee in thine endeavors in preparing thy dilapidated storefront to be the envy of all Center-Earth Lakeside, Ohio! Thou art truly the greatest beauty I have ever seen! Almond biscotti?”
A huge young black man sporting a brown Fedora walks in with a nerdy-looking brown haired girl. The two of them spot Rhea and they kneel on the floor bowing.
”Princess Rhea! Thy beauty precedes thee!”
Rhea permits them to kiss her costume jewelry ring.
“You know her?”
”Yes from the SCA!”
The two got up and sat at the table.
It was Pedro an enormous Afro-Hispanic and Cinamond, a Masters student in English Literature.
Each began to tell their stories.
“I just finished my BS in Computer Science. I work at Mega-tech robótica in Creefroo, I mean Cleveland. My father is a Sergeant Major. He said to me: —“listen up you ugly giant gorilla-looking ugly black-assed lizard 🦎 looking melon-farmer, you gonna study something useful. You ain’t gonna make no NFL when you second string in college. I will beat you to death if you waste your education. You better study something hard. You ain’t gonna be in prison or no bouncer. I brought you into this world and I can take you out. Now pass them plántanos boy 👦 or I will whoop yo ass. You better thank tu madre, boy or I will beat the black off of you. You better have manners and respect. Don’t you embarrass me around the white man, boy.”— Thus I must tip my Fedora to father even though he scares me so much that I often urinate on myself.”
”My father is helping me start my business.” said Rhea. “He doesn’t think I’m retarded.”
”My dad is a professor at the University. He is also my thesis advisor on “The evolution of the medieval knight as archetype in English Renaissance Revival Literature of the 19th Century.”
”My Dad is a machinist who makes weird metal art 🖼 in Buffalo 🐃. He smokes lots of weed. My mom runs an organic food store 🏬. They’re both thin. I may have a mild weight problem…”
Added Pete wistfully.
An extreme angry nerd walks in.
“Sorry to interrupt your little soirée. Ah! Princess Rhea!” Tips Fedora.
“Pete, do you have any new Happy Smile Unicorn 🦄Super Girl Star ⭐️ Trooper?”
”Why yes, my good fellow. I just picked up every 2002 edition at Anime-Con of Toledo along with the yearbook in Japanese with the DVD 📀 insert. Only $225.00! But I will give you a $25.00 frequent buyer discount. Biscotti?”
”Every 2002! Thou art a god! Nay, a Titan!”
Neckbeard goes behind the counter, adjusts Fedora, rings up sale.
Man walks in. Looks a little like Sammy Davis, Jr.
”Hi I’m A black man, I’m the mayor of lakeside.”
”Wut? Did you just say your name was…”
Asked Neckbeard Pete.
”Abe Lackmann, Abraham J. Lackmann. I wanted to meet our newest young entrepreneurs who are going to save our business district! We got a good start with Black Enterprise. They got the cigar store 🏬, bodega, music 🎼 store, barber 💈 shop, funeral home and Jamaican Restaurant opened on W. Euclid. The Gay chamber of commerce opened a pawn shop, florist, hotel 🏨 and frame shop on S. Elyria and the lawyer, Steinboim and his two sons opened a law office, real estate agency and a memorabilia store on N. Steuben. So we have the blacks in the West, Jews in the North, Gays in the South and you Millennial kids on Main Street.”
The mayor sits down.
”Is anyone gonna’ bring me a coffee ☕️? We need a goddamned coffee shop to bring in all the goddamned millennials from the University.”
Said the beleaguered mayor.
”Black… Black with two sugars… the coffee ☕️…”
”Pedro and I are going to open a coffee shop and vintage bookstore on this block.”
Nodded the mayor.
”Listen kids, the chamber of commerce shut down in 1997. I want you to be my new chamber of commerce. We can’t even afford a police force and the volunteer fire department is on its last legs. If it wasn’t for Crazy Jim… a former Army MP… he scared all the criminals and druggies off of Main Street. We used to have a drug problem but all the junkies OD’d. Immigrants won’t come here. The waterpark shut down in ‘99. You kids are a godsend. Thursday night come to the city hall, the money man will be here from Columbus he can get grants and loans for your businesses and the city 🌃. I need all of you to show up. He’s a Republican, so talk a lot of white business bullshit. Let’s tell the truth… I really need you white kids to get white people back in this town. You know, the old coalition.”
Tries the coffee ☕️ with a surprised look. Nods to Pete approvingly.
”We will all be there, Sir. Lakeside will rise again!”
Meanwhile in a dusty office in the old abandoned tool aide factory 🏭…
EVIL RICH GUY: “This place smells like bird 🐦 shit 💩 and pigeon piss! Listen assholes. I want this entire goddamned town. It’s totally depopulated. No one gives a fuck about these shit-covered losers. Sub-human scum, smelly old people, shitty minorities, handicapped freaks, pathetic nerds, sad crippled useless disabled veterans. I wish this dead 💀 town had one big asshole so I could stick my cock in it. It’s just more human refuse I can defecate on.”
WEASEL GUY: “Sir, we can take over the town with our inside guy in the upcoming election 🗳 , kick out the useless negro mayor, kick out all the worthless businesses, tear down the historic buildings and Civil War Memorials and then turn this entire shithole into a giant server spy 🕵️♂️ farm complex for Phaceoogleazon.com God, it would feel so good to beat a defenseless elderly disabled patriotic combat veteran with an ax handle and then go take a giant bath 🛁 in hundred dollar 💵 bills .”
ERG: “There’s nothing I hate more than honest hard working small-town Americans of all races and creeds trying to start an honest business so they aren’t enslaved to creepy evil multinational tech firms. I hate God, O hate Ulysses S Grant, I hate Ohio and most of all I hate the spirit of Americanism! I want to crush the American Dream and urinate on it! I wish I were a giant monster and I could just take a giant shit on this entire town!”
WG: “I’m going to assemble the most vicious group of military-contractor-Intel-corporate-army thugs ever seen and we are going to burn this town to the ground and beat the shit out of every defenseless woman, elderly person and handicapped cripple with orgiastic ecstasy until all the money 💴 is ours! Yog Sothoth! In the name of Demonic Kaph I conjure thee!”
Maniacal laughter ensues
Rich guy and cronies get up from the dusty table and climb down the metal steps. Unbeknownst to them, Crazy Jim had been sleeping off his cheap whisky 🥃 coma in a corner closet…