An Open Letter to my Readers

I stood at the podium in the University Auditorium, The Old one, built in 1911.

Shaking a stack of 📝 papers, adjusting eyeglasses ruffling collar of tweed jacket.

”Botendaddy readers… You are truly beautiful, you are the sexiest people alive, adventurous, brilliant, glamorous.

May I say, you are nothing like the stupid, vapid, shitty, self-involved, smarmy, douchebag, 👄 mouth breathing 💩 shit-heads who don’t read my site.

Dejected Steeler fans below:

Even though you are only a series of electrons on the « intérnéts », I am madly, passionately, romantically in love 😍 with all of you in an icky, gooey, uncomfortably creepy, ‘I am your density’ McFly, killer clown 🤡 kind of way.”

Thus I dedicate my 💯 th Distance Run 🏃 to all of you, because you are special just for being you. Cause there’s no one in the world 🌎 just like you.

You aren’t weird like the f@&$ing idiotic freak show that is the Writer’s Workshop.

I want you to know that I was once accused of sexual harassment and homosexual 🌈 harassment by every single member of the Writer’s Workshop, but I was acquitted on grounds of ‘assault with a dead 💀 weapon’ and no, really, I mean like look 👀 at Botendaddy, he’s like… dead 💀, he’s lame 😒 and sad 😞 a total loser, decrepit. And ‘is it in yet?’

At any rate, I am on track to run 🏃 the most mileage in a year ever and the most runs in a year ever despite cat 🐈-ass-trophic knee, spine, Achilles’ tendon and neck pain. But unlike other 💩 shit-covered losers, I just run 🏃 through the pain, because I run 🏃 just to run 🏃.

Let me apologize for discussions of weird sex acts with every 🎤 single ‘member’ of the Writer’s Workshop, for endless recitations of hideous, rancid, yeasty, Bowel movement stoked, urine-soaked, Bowel Genie festering, Yog Sothoth-conjuring adult jogging diapers.

If I have offended any of you in any way, it’s your own fault for reading this shit-covered mindless psychotic drivel. Every post of mine that you read, you get dumber and you waste minutes of your life that you will never get back.

Dear Mr./Mrs. {Fill in the blank} this is a special personal message written just for you, {Fill in the blank} for faithfully reading the Botendaddy site. You {Fill in the blank} are special. And I very personally, specifically love ❤️ you: {Fill in the blank}.

Questions?”

The professor 👨‍🏫 stood up slowly. She looked dramatically around the auditorium.

”Yes Botendaddy, on behalf of the Writer’s Workshop, you are a f@&ktarded shit-covered, diaper-wearing ass. And I demand that you make love ❤️ to me immediately after this debacle.”

”Mocha with Jameson’s?”

Peace be the Botendaddy

 

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About Botendaddy

Three times voted extreme sexiest man alive...by acclamation. I run because I must...I must!
This entry was posted in Critic's Corner, Exercise, People, Running and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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