The Greatest Race of All Time, Part Zwei

“Look, does anyone know who the fifth member of race team 2000 is? We’ve got a black female from Rochester, a gay guy from New Rochelle an African track star we borrowed from Oneonta…” Asked the girl from Rochester.

“It’s Dave, the mentally challenged guy.” I said. “Where is Dave and the African dude anyway? Addisi? Assidi?”


Upstate New York Bullshit Stock Photo

“No 💡 idea” Said GGFNR. By the way, Botendaddy, I think Quentin is gay 🌈 and has a huge crush on you. Not an Orange Crush.” Somewhere ‘Lithium’ by Nirvana was playing on 📢 hidden loudspeakers.

“Who is playing the goddamned theme music 🎶?” Asked BFFR.

“I’m not 🌈, just because I’m madly, hopelessly, romantically in squishy man-love for the Botendaddy doesn’t make me 🌈.”

“It kind of does.” Said GGFNR. “And where the f@&$ is the rest of your rich kiddie team anyway?”

“No clue.” Responded Quentin.

Crowds of Mohawk Valley denizens were lined up along the race course. They came from Schoharie, Utica, Ithaca, Woodstock, Attica, the Catskills, Rome. Excelsior!

The halfway point was coming up and the electronic sign showed our teams still in a dead 💀 heat. The video showed our African runner from Ethiopia 🇪🇹 pacing against their African runner from Tanzania 🇹🇿 cordially chatting as they ran. If we could only hear what they had to say…

“What’s up with these f@&$ed up people? Are they brain damaged?”


“Why are you running for them?”

“It’s stress release before my dissertation defense and I need the $2,000.00.”

It turned out Dave wasn’t mentally challenged, but deaf as he lip-read the African’s conversations to us off the video screen 📺.

My legs were a painful 😖 gelatinous mass at the 13.1 mile marker. The temperature had dropped to -1 Fahrenheit which is some f@&$ing number Celsius (who gives a shit about that Jacobin commie Celsius bullshit, what day is it anyway, the 37th of Brumaire?)

“Botendaddy, my team is totally going to win, because you suck filthy, sweaty, red-hot 84115.” Said Quentin. “If I didn’t have to win this race 🏁 I would pull down you manties and blister your 80w315 with my monstrous ph411v5 right here in the middle of the road (so *hot*) he muttered under his breath.

“Is he like this all the time?” asked the BFFR “He isn’t right.”

“Look, Rock n(apostrophe) Roll was dead from about 1979-1991 until Nirvana came along. As soon as I heard them I knew something had changed.” I pontificated, as the hidden music 🎶 trucks played ‘Smells like Teen Spirit.’

“I’m not retarded you 455h0135.” Said Dave. “Listen 👂 Metallica seemed OK but then some called them ‘the Band who sued their fans’ after the whole Napster music copyright sellout episode. They never recovered from the bad publicity. Ooh we’re so edgy… not so much…”

“Botendaddy is right, Nirvana saved Rock and Roll 🎸 for a minute…” Said the BFFR.

“Botendaddy, I was right about Quentin. He is big-time 🌈. He wants to drill your hot 455, but I saw you first. Maybe I am madly in love 😍 with you, not this yucky girl from Rochester.” Said the GGFNR

“Oh a black woman can’t love ❤️ Rock and Roll 🎸? This black woman didn’t see Botendaddy Live at the Budokan 🇯🇵? Maybe I was in love with him first. Even before Annabel Lee.” Said the BFFR.

The laughing 😂 comic relief bad guy caught up at the fifteen mile mark, just as the non -descript rich kid dropped off the pace and joined us as well. He never spoke, he just looked good on camera 🎥 and appeared disinterested in the outcome.

“It’s cold as f@&$ out here, ha-ha, I’m freezing my mangina off! (cackle) Botendaddy sucks! You all suck. (guffaw) Race 🏁 Team 2000, shitheads, losers! Ha-ha!” Shrieked the LCRBG.

The mute bad guy said nothing.


“Botendaddy! You totally f@&$ed me! I feel so dirty! Ah the taste of it! I want to get a t-shirt that says I am Botendaddy’s ❤️ puppy 🐶! on the front and Botendaddy f@&$ed me on the back! I’m going to call my mom and sisters and tell them in intimate detail that you f”@&)ed me! I would tell my dad but he would hunt you down and murder you. Wait… you don’t think he reads this do you?…” inquired the C 🤓 G

“Hot Ethiopian ☕️ Coffee?”


Peace be the Botendaddy



About Botendaddy

Three times voted extreme sexiest man acclamation. I run because I must...I must!
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