I ran on the lonely back road through the ancient hill country. Once inhabited by American Indian (pronounced revolutionary, oppressed, righteous, non-devilish Native American gender-free, free-range, gluten free people).
My first mile was lame. The weather ungodly hot and humid. But I was blissfully alone. Or was I?
“Hi Botendaddy. I’ve heard so much about you. I know you like to 🏃 run. I like to run. But I have allergies and I tend to pee on myself when I run. Especially when I have my period. So I wear a massive adult diaper just like you. I’m kind of a nerd 🤓. OK I’m sort of weird too. I bathe sometimes, because I tend to stink in summertime. My mom thinks I’m a loser cause all my sisters are like normal. You’re so hot for an old guy. A really ugly, creepy old guy. You should critique my writing. Like in my horror novels, there’s a character like you who’s usually a serial killer or chain saw psycho. Have you ever killed anyone? I bet in the war…..”
She never actually stopped talking. I dubbed her the Crazy 😜 Nerd 🤓 Girl. My second mile was up a steep hill, then it was uphill another mile in intense heat with her talking the entire time.
“I’m doing my Masters in American Literature. I am doing my thesis on Poe and the Early American Romantic period. I’m romantic. I bet you used to be romantic with your Annabel Lee. I don’t have a boyfriend. I’ve never been in a date. I have a great body but no-one’s ever seen it. Do you want to see it? I want to show it to you. It would be like a horror movie where the filthy, creepy, shitty, undead, rotting monster violates the girl, ooh that’s so hot. I’ve never had sex. I bet you could teach me some things. I’ve heard you’re quite an old lecherous, groping perv. that’s so hot, just thinking about your withered rotting flesh next to mine made me pee on myself…”
Between the heat and her incessant babble I almost fell asleep at the 5k mark. I wondered if she had ever performed phellatio ( pronounced phee-laah-she-yo) it might get her to 🙊 stop ✋ talking. She had a decent body, but didn’t appear to have combed her hair recently. I couldn’t see her eyes 👀 through her coke bottle 🍼 nerd 🤓 glasses.
“I 🏃 run because I can do it alone, because people don’t like me. I’m not sure why. People don’t like you either so we have something in common. I’m 24. I spend all my time reading 📖 and writing and 🏃♀️ running. I read your blog. It’s really stupid and unbelievably poorly written. It’s like total horse 🐴 💩 poo. It’s like a retarded person wrote it with a moron as editor. You’re emotionally autistic and socially inept. You have the manners of a mass-murdering hermit and your adult diaper smells like an ancient tomb. I think I’m madly in love 😍 with you…
I couldn’t get away. It was too hot and I was too slow. The four mile time was terrible. We stopped at 4.71 miles.
“So Botendaddy, I heard you have your own in-ground Jacuzzi. We should go there and sit naked in the Jacuzzi and drink 🍹 Bailey’s. You can start reading my novel. I’ve never been naked with a man before. It will be so macabre and ghastly…”
“Iced Double Mocha?”
Peace be the Botendaddy