92nd Distance Run since ever: The Hampton Rotary 5k

I was determined to break the elusive 8:00 mile. It was sunny, hot and humid. Very hot for a morning race start.

I was joined by the Weird Foreign Doctor Chick.

“I am dripping with your precious bodily fluids. I feel sticky, slimy, used, like I have been violated over and over and over again by a hot, Muscular, Dominant Colonial power. I reek of your man-stench!” Said the WFDC a little bit too loudly.

The Finish Line


“Ssh, there’s children here for god’s sake!”

I tried to cover her mouth.

“When a man makes love to a woman in my country, she must loudly proclaim it for all to rejoice!” She shouted proudly.

The Runners


“You are making that up, aren’t you?” I said incredulously (a word no one ever really uses except in bad literature).

“OK, so I lied, you aged, sexy American devil. Ah the smell of it!”

I ran as hard as I could. Maybe I could have run harder. 8:07 first mile.



I hit the downhill as hard as possible, but then there was a daunting humid uphill. I was sure to pass all of the walkers.

18:26 at the two mile.

“This is way too hot for me. In my country, I am used to running in 700° below zero Kelvin or 1,000,000,000° below zero Fahrenheit at altitudes in excess of 240,000 miles.” She said matter-of-factly.

Milling About

“For some reason, I think you’re exaggerating. By the way, nice bare midriff, you show some muscle there Little Mountain Chick.”

“I told you Mr. sexy Botendaddy, that I am all muscle, I am epic win! Opulence, I has it! Would you like to see my little yellow-brown native Himalayan {CENSORED PA DEPT OF AGRICULTURE}?” She started to pull off her jogging bra halter thingy.

“Stop that for God’s sake! Are you insane? There are people out here!?!”

I tried to hold her halter on, but it looked like I was groping her. A women ran by and sneered at me.

“Pervert.” She muttered. “Rapist… serial killer… groper…”

Then the sneering woman ran off the race course and crashed into a large bush.

The Map My Run App ‘paused’ involuntarily again. FAIL! FAIL FAIL! UnderArmour! Fix your broken crap!!!

I ran as hard as I could but I still couldn’t break 30 minutes.

“You are pathetic, Yon Botendaddy. A physiological disgrace. Let’s go back to your condo and get in the hot tub.

“Iced Almond Mocha?”

Peace be the Botendaddy




About Botendaddy

Three times voted extreme sexiest man alive...by acclamation. I run because I must...I must!
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