A Note to my Female Readers and an OK Four Mile Run

Listen, we’ve gone through decades discussing sexism and the objectification of women, sexual harassment and making women feel uncomfortable.

It’s especially creepy when it’s an old Crypt-Keeper, Mr. Burns, Frankenstein, Boris Karloff, creepy perv… like the Botendaddy.

All of you are so hot, it’s incredible. I just had to tell you. If I walk past a pile of gold bricks at Ft. Knox am I supposed to not turn my head? If I walk through the Barbeque Ribs competition am I not supposed to get a whiff of the del.ic.io.us sauce and ribs?

Sorry girls, looking at your firm, lithe bodies, beautiful faces, reading your artistic prose. I have to say it.. HOT! HOT! HOT! I am madly passionately romantically in love with you in a tortured Edgar Allan Poe mid-Romantic period tragic sort of way. I’ve never met any of you, but who cares, right WE’RE ONLINE! IT’S A FANTASY WORLD!!!! You aren’t like those hideous creatures who don’t read my site. Ah the smell of it! OK, I feel better now.

OK the dudes who read my site, your are obviously more perceptive than the average male, more <<quote>> buffed-out, muscular, athletic << end of quote>> unlike the drooling freaks who never read my site. Don’t be a loser like them.

Phallus mushroom genus

At any rate, you want to know what’s going on with the writer’s workshop. This time I ran with the most annoying girls in the workshop, you know them, The ‘Voat Fat People Hate Verified Shitlady’ (VPHVSL), The ‘No-one Cares Lady’ (NCL), The ‘Stalker’ and of course the ‘Weird Foreign Doctor Chick’ (WFDC).

I don’t know where the dudes were, but there was some kind of Gay *hot* Natural Bodybuilding event so all the other dudes from the Workshop were there to cheer on Ramon and the Park Ranger *gay* *hot*. Even the Angry Online SJW Guy was there so he could DOWNVOTE the other contestants. Hopefully someone will beat the sh&t out of him.

We were warming up and they were already starting.

‘Botendaddy’… look at my little brown foreign Himalayan titties! LOOK AT MY TITTIES YOU DECREPIT PERVERTED AMERICAN FREAK! TASTE THEM GODDAMN YOU!” Said the Weird Foreign Doctor Chick.

‘No-one cares about your distorted mountain titties you shit-covered foreign freak! Hasn’t Trump thrown you out of here yet?’ Said the ‘NCL’

‘FAAAAAT! You freakish mountain Yeti! You fat abominable snowman! You Beetus-eater! MAY LORD BEETUS TAKE YOU!!!” Said the VFPHVSL.

“Shut up you f&%king morons! Sluts! Whores! Pigs! Look at my hot body! Here’s some titties you want to see my Pus–”

“STOP!” I yelled. “Put away all female body parts. We are in an office park. Decent people work here, you freaks! Let’s go run.”

Deerserersers, the plural of Deer

It was cool, about 55. Not sunny, thank god, but not really humid. We ran along the flat.

“I am curious about this adult diaper. Why do run with this massive adult diaper. I try to look at the road, the budding spring trees but all I can see is the massive adult diaper staring me in the face!” Said the WFDC.

“No-one cares about the diaper.” Said the NCL. “No-one cares about his massive, reeking, hideously, aromatic, del.ic.io.us adult diaper.”

“Remember when the Botendaddy ran in the nude 5k? He didn’t wear the diaper then.” Said the Stalker in my defense.

“Oh great, so once in the last twenty years, this bloated, Crisco-demon, Lardvaark goes running without his gargantuan King Kong sized adult diaper. Oh my god, I can almost taste it!” Said the VFPHVSL. “Flair up Fatty!”

We made one mile in 8:59, one shit-covered second to spare. Mile two was on an uphill and we made it in 19:48. Good enough for old man Army APFT two-mile run time.

“I hate the rest of you filthy, dirty sluts. You reeking whores, you dirty gashes. Why can’t you losers find a man! The Botendaddy is mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!” Said the Stalker in her creepy Stalker clenched teeth female serial killer whisper. “Look at my goddamned tits you freaks!” She pulled up her shirt again.

“You are clearly clinically psychotic, you show signs of Thorazine with Haladol. And I can run as well as you, you stupid Voat Fat People Hate person. I ran mountains my entire life, so I’m a bit chubby. Botendaddy, feel my ample muscular brown ass! It’s so firm!” Said the WFDC. “You can make love to my an&s later! Make me all dirty! It will be erotic! You can ditch these filthy harlots. These shit-covered pig-girls. They are all pathological.”

The scenic woodland path

“I heard that.” Said the Stalker.

We hit the three mile mark under thirty minutes, barely. We dodged traffic on the Frogger/Death Race country lane. Our 5k time was under 31:00 but that still is shitty.

“Listen you rancid bitches, you street whores, listen carefully now:

“Asian shitlord, Backboobs, Backcleavage, Beetus, Beetus-Juice, BMI, CI-CO, Condishuns, FA, Fathate, Fatlogic, Fattit, Feddit, HAES, Hamdelusional, Hamgur, McBeetus, Obesity Paradox, Reee! Reee!, Scooty-puff, Shitlady, Shitlord, Shitlording, SJW, Thermodynamics, Triggered, Tubblr, Whalemart, Beetus-eater, Beluga, Blackholeham, Butterbeast, Buttergolem, Butter Huffer, Butterham, Chairbreaker, Caloriedumpster, Co-Porker, Criscodemon, Deathfat, Eatbeast, Fatty, Fatass, Fupacabra, Eye-pollution, Fat-to-thin, Fatty, Femayo, Former-fat, Former-humans, Fupa Trupa, Greasehog, Greasegoblin, Ham, Hambeast, Hamily, Hamlord, Hamplanet, Hamsteroid, Eyebleach, Heffalump, Hogbeast, Landwalrus, Landwhale, Lard of the Chins, Lardass, Lardbeast, Lardbucket, Lardbutter, Lardcave, Lardvaark, Mayotanker, Mayogender, Minimoon, Obeast, Pigf*cker, Pooldefecator, Planet, Porker, Skinnyfat, Smallfat, Thin-to-fat, Tub of lard, Tumblerina!


Shrieked the VFPHVSL all in one giant breath until her face turned blue.

“Botendaddy? I am madly, passionately in love with you. (And the 23 other men I stalk)Let’s all get in your giant in-ground Jacuzzi and drink some Crystale and for god’s sake change that rancid bowel-movement filled adult diaper. Ah the taste of it!” Said the Stalker.

Our four-mile time was awful.

“Iced Cinammon Mocha?”

Peace be the Botendaddy


About Botendaddy

Three times voted extreme sexiest man alive...by acclamation. I run because I must...I must!
This entry was posted in Critic's Corner, Dining, Exercise, Fashion, Food, People, Running, Technology, Weather and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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