I was in Hiroyuki’s apartment. It was a shitty shit-covered shitacious, shitavicious day. It rained for 24 hours. It was dark cold humid and miserable.
She had called me and I came over immediately. She hadn’t left the house for three days and her apartment looked like Horse Badorties’ crash pad. She talked about wanting to kill herself, that she was worthless and no one would ever love her.
It sounded like severe depression talking so I came over immediately. Caribbean Queen, Devon, Librarian and Swole Bro’ came over too because they were the nicest ones in the Writers Workshop and we didn’t need any insensitive 455h4t5.
We were there a long time. I said to Hiroyuki that since she was a storyteller, if she died she would never find out what would happen in the next chapter. Swole Bro told her that she wasn’t alone because she had 15 friends in the Writers Workshop who all loved her in their own weird way. ‘Who else has 15 friends?’ He said.
‘Its one big dysfunctional family.’ Added Devon.
‘Its a diverse group of freaks, foreigners, furries, fruits and I don’t know…’ The CQ pointed out.
After a while, CQ and the Librarian got Hiroyuki into the shower and we convinced her to come running with us.
We ran steep hills and we ran slow. I had nothing. It was a steady rain. We tried to keep Hiroyuki from talking about herself.
‘If you’ve never run, you should not start in general. You should never ever run to lose weight. If you want to run, lose weight first, then run. Otherwise you will damage your knees, spine, feet, ball and socket joints and you won’t lose an ounce.’ I pontificated.
Swole Bro’ spoke up. ‘First of all your adult diaper is massive and del.ic.io.us. Secondly, I study Anthropology. When Cro-Magnon started walking the human biology said – it’s time to migrate, get lean so it starts the weight loss process.’
Then Devon. ‘When you run the biology says – it’s time to chase the Aurochs, I need more energy. You can’t run often enough without recovery to burn enough calories anyway.’
‘Exercise is generally good for your body but borderline meaningless for significant weight loss.’ Reflected the CQ.
Our times got worse every mile. Traffic was terrifying. We stopped at 4.88 miles.
‘See it’s just a shitty, shit-covered cold rainy day Hiroyuki, it’ll be OK, kid.’ Said the Librarian.
‘Look Hiroyuki, Botendaddy just totally sucks. He’s a useless, played-out old Asshat. I want to drill him in the anus with my massive love tool. He’s not as shitty as that Angry Online SJW guy, though. That dude really sucked festering, dead, goat anus. Ooh look at me, I DOWNVOTE you! Ooh I’m so Ivy League, I eat my own anus with downvotes.’ Said Swole Bro mocking the AOSJW guy.
‘Youre right, he’s more condescending than the Voat girl, more obnoxious than Guyasuta, nastier than the No-one Cares Lady… if that’s even possible and they all three totally suck less than that shit-faced, stupid AOSJW guy. He is definitely an anus. Let’s all go to Botendaddys hot tub and drink Mocha with Bailey’s.’ Chirped Hiroyuki with a smile.
“Mocha with Bailey’s?”
Peace be the Botendaddy