“Call me (long Dramatic Pause) Ishmael.”
Recited the professor from Melville’s metaphoric Masterpice Moby D&$k. “What are some of the great opening lines in American Literature?”
“Botendaddy is not a fat, disgusting Lardbeat Grease Golem any more?” Smirked the Voat Fat People Hate Verified Shitlady.
“Beatrix, shut the f&$k up!” Said the Stalker. “Besides it is true, one year ago today, he was a hulking 284 pounds. He used to lift serious weight at the gym. Now he is just sinew.”
“How did you do it?” Asked the Caribbean Queen.
“It was the science of it, Straleen. Here it is:
1. Know your BMR. Basal Metabolic Rate. This is the number of calories you burn per day by daily activities.
2. Eat less than your BMR every day. Never go over. The more calories under, the more you lose. But be reasonable.
3. Talk to your doctor before starting any diet.
4. Running is worthless for losing weight. Worthless. You cannot outrun your mouth and you can’t recover in time to run often enough to burn enough calories. Walk every day instead.
5. Try to get most of your calories from fruits and vegetables. Avoid processed food and sugar where you can.
6. Never ever ever count your exercise calories against your BMR. This will keep the discipline.
7. Don’t start cutting what you eat right away. Get an App like MyFitnessPal (c)(TM)(R) and for 30 days eat what you normally eat, but enter everything you eat that has calories even if it’s celery into the app. Be very very honest. Every single thing you eat or drink that has calories. You will learn to count calories and you will see how little food can do so much damage.
8. Girlies, measure your waist and your plump, juicy erotic hips. Boys, measure your enourmous greasy fat sweaty waist. Measure your BMI and your Bodyfat Percentage.
9. Weigh yourself every day first thing in the morning.
10. Don’t cheat with water pills and laxatives, it’s a form of bulimia, it disrupts your metabolism and it will put you in the hospital. Don’t fast either.
11. Accept plateaus as normal. It is your body’s evolutionary response to lower caloric intake. Your body has to wait and recalculate until it realizes that it isn’t getting more food. Plateaus can be 3-14 days. Don’t panic, let your body work. They will happen every few weeks no matter what you do.
12. After you lose 5% of your body weight reduce your caloric intake as your BMI will be lower as you will have less body to feed.”
Check your BMI and waist measurement with every 5% of your original body weight you lose.
Work one BMI category at a time. If you are ‘Obese II’ your next goal should be to break into ‘Obese I’ If you are ‘Obese I’, work on getting down to ‘Overweight’. If you are ‘Overweight’, work on getting to BMI ‘Normal’.
BMI is a life expectancy chart. If your BMI is too high, LOW BODYFAT OR NOT, you will die. Even big muscle suffers.
Good luck. It’s a discipline. If you follow the rules, it works.”
“Jesus, will you shut the f&$k up already?” Shrieked the PMWC.
“I am depressed now. My big muscle will kill me.” Said Ramon glumly.
“Me too, thanks Botendaddy you vicious, bitchy beastie.” Barked the Park Ranger.
“You need to get out of here before they kill you.” Quod the Weird Foreign Doctor Chick. “Let’s go to the 39th floor secret stairwell and f&$k!”
“Iced Chai Latte?”
Peace be the Botendaddy