“Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba… Ba Ba Ba Ba…Psycho-killah qu’est-ce que c’est.”
I couldn’t stop humming it.
We were all at the Writers’ Workshop at night. It was dark and cold outside. Mysterious. The wind was howling.
The Swole’ Bro’ was white as a sheet.
The Voat Fat People Hate Shit Lady came barging in, late as usual.
“Another murder. Another young white male disappears and is found dead in the river. There’s definitely a pattern.”
“Ah a murder mystery. Perfect for a Writers’ Workshop.” Said the Professor, wringing her hands in glee.
“Ya be spookin’ me wit’ ya talk a murtherers!” Said the Caribbean Queen, shaking with fear.
“Me too, this kind of talk.” Said Devon.
“The Swole Bro got stalked the same night each of the last two disappeared. That is spooky.
“2014 and this January.” Added the PMWC, perched in her chair like Poe’s Raven. Bro and I got to Pitt at the same time.
“Both went out in their own. Both were picked up alone on surveillance cameras. Both disappeared with no cell phone ping no credit cards ever used. No robbery. They find them in water always and at the point where they enter the water is a shi’ita’anic, evil, bloody, ghastly smiley face!” Advised the stalker.
“I’ve like… totally stopped drinking and partying. They get you when you are drunk and you go off on your own. I saw him. I saw the Happy Faced KIller. He’s insane, totally fucking Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy insane. He r4p35 hot m413 4nu5 with serial killer 5p3rm and then you end up in the river.” Said the Bro’.
“Every young man is similarly marked by the killer, but they never get good DNA because the bodies are in the water too long.” Said the Weird Foreign Doctor Chick.
“You’re safe here with us.” Said the Park Ranger, a former cop.
“Si, verdadero.” Said Ramon.
“Plus Botendaddy is a steely eyed killer himself.” Said the CEO.
“This is insane. Look, the Swole Bro’ is male, of dubious orientation, he is buffed out, young, a definite party boy, as long as he doesn’t go out drinking on Friday or Saturday night he is safe. Over 114 murders by the Smiley Faced Killer every one on a Friday or Saturday night, every one is separated from their friends after midnight. He just can’t go out on weekend nights and he’ll be OK.” Suggested the Librarian.
“This Smiley Face Killer no Sugar Puff Kitty Rainbow Happy Unicorn man.” Said Hiroyuki.
“Me Big Chief! Anyone got any reeferstick?” Asked Guyasuta.
“Ice smoked Latte?”
Peace be the Botendaddy