First mile, well under nine minutes. But then my g*d&amned (blank)Phone™ died from the cold. No MapMyRun, like WTF? dot dot dot over? So I had to use my watch.
“You’re an idiot. It’s like 500 below out here. Trump is causing the cold weather.” Said the Stalker.
“But Bernie will make it warmer.” Said the Punker-Model-Writer Chick.
“Enough with the politics. My readers hate politics. They will boycott my site.”
“BOYCOTT? Who the f&ck ever visits your site. It’s like a ghost town.” Barked Hiroku.
We ran in a huge circle, winding our way through snow-cleared parking lots. It was 25° F with the wind blowing. It felt like 700 below Kelvin.
“Why do we hang out with you? We are all pathetic women. Tens of millions of eligible young men in this country and we are hanging out with the Botendaddy.” Said the Stalker.
“He’s the best you’ll ever do, you dirty sl&t.” Said the librarian.
“Well I don’t see you having much a love life yourself, you ancient sh&t-covered she goat!” Replied the Stalker.
“He is truly hideous. He looks like the bad-guy mask from Kabuki. And he wears massive, del.ic.io.us adult diapers.” Added Hiroku helpfully.
“He runs like a crippled old man.” Said the librarian.
“Professor says he ran like that since he was 18.” Advised Hiroku.
Second mile, within the APFT standard. After that we were running and guessing the distance.
“I’ve two times more mileage than last year’s January and February.” I mentioned.
“Let’s all get n4k3d in the in-ground Jacuzzi back at Botendaddy’s secret office lair. He calls it ‘Mara-Aum-Zelta’. Maybe some of his hot young straight male employees will be there.” Said the Stalker.
“Botendaddy has a full liquor cabinet. That office is a phony front for some tax-writeoff.” Said Hiroku.
“It’s probably black ops for Trump.” Said the librarian.
“35 minutes! Awesome run, kids — Kahlua Mocha?”
Peace be the Botendaddy