The Professor stood in front of the Writer’s Workshop in the Bolean Nationality Classroom.
“Look, a lot of you are concerned about the election. I asked each of you to write one paragraph about who you voted for and why, I want each of you to speak and read off of your 5 x 8 card.”
I was tired after my 4.8 mile hill run. My One mile time was deplorable. I was drinking a “Bai” Coconut – 10 calories.
The Caribbean Queen spoke first. “Listen, I am not an American. I am Jamaican. I’m not allowed to vote in your election. I didn’t care who won, because everyone likes Jamaica, so it doesn’t matter who is the president of your country. Do you even know who my Prime Minister is? You barely know that Elizabeth is still our Queen. Ya idiots, all, let me sit down.”
Next was Hiroku. “I am a Canadian, you morons. I can’t vote in your election, eh? I could care less who your President is. By the way our Queen is also Elizabeth. God Save the Queen and God Save British Columbia, you Yankee devils!”
The next was Ramon. “I am an Argentine Citizen. We don’t have a Queen, unless you count Evita. Ah Evita! The smell of it! I will not comment on your election because no-one knows where Argentina is anyway. Yes, we have Penguins, real ones, not like your Stanley Cup winning Hockey team, you sexy gringos.”
Then came Devon. “I..am a black man, a black man. A man..who is black. I voted for Trump because I don’t like illegals taking away the black man’s jobs. Plus Trump is gangsta’ He be grabbing b!tches coochies and waving around the dollah…dollah bill, yo.”
The Park Ranger spoke up. “I am gay. Totally, muscularly, red-hot gay. I don’t like terrorists committing genocide in gay clubs. He murdered 52 people. Mass murder. I voted Trump because I don’t want the people who throw gay people off buildings and shoot them in nightclubs infiltrating and killing us all.”
The CEO stood up. “Do I need to even tell you? Really? Trump all the way. I’m a businesswoman from West Virginia. The Democrats destroyed the coal industry and put thousand of West Virginians out of work. F&^k us? F*&k you!”
The Voat Fat People Hate Verified Sh!tlday walked to the podium. She adjusted her eyeglasses. “I was born in the U.S. VI. I am a Veteran of the U.S. Navy. My dad is a CEO. My mom works for the D.O.D. Truuuuump! You fat Beetus-hogs! You heffalumps!”
The Stalker was next. “Hillary. She was perfect. The women’s candidate. Gender-traitors, bitches. You stupid idiots. You deplorable rednecks. F&%k the patriarchy! F&%k all of you.”
I though about the second mile. My f&^king phone ran out of battery. 21:16 for two miles. Horrible, but the hill at mile two was brutal. After that, I kept time by my watch. I wasn’t listening to anyone by then.
The Librarian adjusted her glasses. “Listen. I am a true patriot. Air Force Veteran. Blueblood. Mayflower family. I voted Trump. I don’t want my daughter to be alone in the bathroom with a pre-op tranny prostitute sporting a nine-inch c&^k. Get the operation or get out. And I don’t want to wear a Burqa, so there.”
The Swole bro’ was next. “I voted for Gary Johnson. because I hit the wrong button, so I was like, whatever, so like Johnson, so he seems OK, like I don’t know anything about issues, so you know, like whatever, you know.”
The Punker Model Writer Chick stood up. “I don’t know. I voted for Hillary, well because I thought it might be cool to have a woman president like on TV.”
The third and fourth miles were OK. It was cool and humid and my legs hurt. I ran hard downhill on the last mile, but I was just too tired for a good run. 55 minutes. 4.8 miles. Terrible.
The Professor spoke. “I am a progressive woman. I voted for Hillary. So there, Botendaddy you are the last one.
“Listen everyone. I really liked Jill Stein. She’s a woman. And she reminded me of my mom. A crazy, shrieking, old-line, bleary-eyed, weepy, New-Deal, Grapes of Wrath, liberal Bolshevik. She’s a Doctor. I don’t know when she has time to see patients, though.”
The Professor looked at me with her arms crossed. “You forgot to vote again, didn’t you.”
“Maybe? Was today Tuesday? I knew I forgot something.”
Peace be the Botendaddy