We were on the oval track on the plateau, high above the city. An ugly, steamy, super-heated fog clung to the park.
It was 80 degrees just after the rain. Humidity was 75%.
Another horrifically, hideous hot humid evening. Staggering, draining, soul-crushing, heart-draining humidity.
The Caribbean Queen was right, it was total failure.
8:41 Pathetic.The first quarter was a tragic 2:03. I had expected about a 1:45. I felt like I was running hard, but there was no real speed, no sense of ‘fast’. I was doomed after the first 200 yards.
The Voat Shitlady held a stopwatch, shaking her head after each tragic lap. I had nothing. I wilted in the heat and humidity again. All this running. All this training. All this weight loss… for nothing.
“You know what the problem is you stinking Obeast, you Fubacabra? You, even at 207 pounds are still over BMI normal. You still have a little fat on your belly, your tasty moobs are almost gone…almost. Your body-fat is low, but not low enough. It’s very simple.”
We walked around the outer track to cool down. I could barely move.
“I wonder if I truly need to hit ‘normal BMI?”
I asked her as I staggered to the outer lanes.
“Fatlogic! What is optimal BMI for your build? 192-197 is the max. You won’t strip the visible fat on the surface until you lose the remaining fat. What’s your mid-range? About 175. Your body is still too inefficient, you fat ham. You’ve hit a wall.You are talking about losing another 32 pounds. 32 pounds! That’s a lot of weight. Sorry, but I told you so, you fat planet.”
I was soaked with sweat. She was right, I looked great with clothes on. I looked OK without clothes, but not sharp.
“I’m not sure right now. I think I have some kind of physical burnout. I’ve been deteriorating in every run for over a month.”
“Like I said, you are going nowhere as long as you are not within BMI normal.You are still inefficient. I mean think about what 32 pounds looks like, It’s a 15 kilo weight plate. It’s huge. Get to 175. Be born again. Don’t eat the Beetus. Have a 32 inch waist again. Be beautiful.”
“I hate to say it but you are right. I’ve burned out and I’ve maxed out. But it seems like a matter of strength and lung capacity. I don’t have a any magic cure.”
I took off my sweat-soaked shirt.
“Reeing ensues! Reeeee, reeeee, reeeee! You Hamplanet, Lardvaark, crying your butter-tears! Make love to me damn you, you stupid fat! I yearn for you tragically! I love you beyond all reason! Marry me! I deserve love, you Butter-golem! Look at your tanned, magnificent body! You are like Dorian Grey!”
We walked to my car. Her face was contorting. She could not restrain herself any longer. She began to shriek uncontrollably. Parents covered their kids ears. Others ran in terror as her psychotic ravings echoed throughout the park.
“Aaaaah, I tried! I can’t hold back any longer! I can’t stop it! Damn my therapist! I can’t stop it! I must release the hate! I must save others from Obeastity! It is a public health service!!!! Asian shitlord, Backboobs, Backcleavage, Beetus, Beetus-Juice, BMI, CI-CO, Condishuns, Fathate, Fatlogic, Fattit, HAES, Hamdelusional, Hamgur, McBeetus, Obesity Paradox, Scooty-puff, Shitlord, Shitlording, Thermodynamics, Triggered, Tubblr, Whalemart, Beetus-eater, Beluga, Butterbeast, Butter Huffer, Butterham, Caloriedumpster, Co-Porker, Criscodemon, Deathfat, Eatbeast, Fatty, Fatass, Fupacabra, Eye-pollution, Fat-to-thin, Fatty, Femayo, Former-fat, Former-humans, Fupa Trupa, Greasehog, Greasegoblin, Hambeast, Hamily, Hamplanet, Hamsteroid, Eyebleach, Heffalump, Hogbeast, Landwalrus, Landwhale, Lardass, Lardbeast, Lardbucket, Lardbutter, Mayotanker, Mayogender, Minimoon, Obeast, Pigf*cker, Pooldefecator, Planet, Porker, Skinnyfat, Smallfat, Thin-to-fat, Tub of lard, Tumblerina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HATE! HATE! HATE! HAAAAAAAATE! DIE BOTENDADDY DIE! YOU FAT! DADDY NEVER LOVED ME! I’M A BAD GIRL, BAD GIRL, NO-ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME! AMPUTATIONS! DIE! DIE! DIE! BMI ZERO! BMI ZERO! BMI ZERO! ERROR 601! THAT DOES NOT COMPUTE! I AM NOMAD™! STERILIZE! STERILIZE!”
Peace Be the Botendaddy