The Council of Chief Guyasuta

We met on the rock high above the ancient River.

“Botendaddy…you jive, pasty-face, honky” Began the big chief with his stereotypical Hollywood racist depiction of a stone-faced American Indian. “Who brought the Peace Pipe? I need some 420 up in this mug, you know what I’m saying? And what about the f*&king munchies, I’m starvin’ up in here.”

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Council Rock

I was still soaking wet from the 3.30 mile run through the park in 74%, yes 74% humidity and 75 degrees at 9:00AM. The three of them were there, Chief Guyasuta, Chief Tecumseh and Chief Blue Jacket. Each had been running with me during the past few weeks.

All of them were real verified native American Indians from the states of Pennsylvania, Indiana and Ohio respectively. Each was a pretty decent runner.

These are fake names of course. Their careers were in Engineering, Technology and Industrial mechanics.

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The Humid Park Trail

Tecumseh spoke up next. “Botendaddy, you white devil, lots of fake Indians around here. it’s ridiculous. They are probably scarfing benefits too. We need a DNA test or something for the $55holes, I mean seriously. And pass the pipe N*&^%$! You are bogarting it!”

“Botendaddy, Me Big Chief Blue Jacket from Ohio. I have seen you run, whitey, Oquizi Ohcha! You are one shitty runner! I mean what the f&^% neg^%$? You lost all this weight, did all this training and you run like a diseased antelope.

Ah that will be your Indian name! Diseased Antelope!” Blue Jacket coughed after a long hit on the Peace Pipe. He grabbed for the bag of Cheetos™.

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Road Closed

“Well my last few runs have been terrible, O’ great council of Schmiee-Roaking 420 chiefs. but the heat and humidity have been staggering. Today, My first mile was slow, but intentionally, 10:15, just a jog. The second mile 21:38, nothing special. I tanked a bit in the third mile. There is no end in sight to the shitty running. A bit of a slump. Latest stats:

  1. Insurance tables for age: best category
  2. Height: 6’2½”
  3. Body-weight:  207.0# (Recommended weight for age: 175)
  4. Waist size: 35.5″
  5. BMI 26.2 (Highest Life Expectancy is at 27.0, Suggested BMI is 25.0)
  6. Longest Organized run of the year: 15K
  7. Longest run of the year: 10 Miles
  8. Best 5k Time of the year: 29:27
  9. Tan: Spectacular
  10. Body-fat: 14.8% (Rather low for my weight, thanks to  ‘Big Muscle’

So what do you think, big pot-smoking chiefs?”

“What a f*&^king lame list! Dumbass. You want some weed pale-face?” Added Guyasuta.

“Listen, Ofay, Mr. Charlie, Bobo, the council has met here on this bluff so that you, (Polar Bear, White-eye, Gweilo), may improve your running instead of burning our teepees and violating our women and yes our young men, oh yes, with your massive, gnarled, delicious, white, *red-hot*…{CENSORED}”

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The 420 Meeting Tree

I had to interrupt, there is always at least one gay (*hot*) Indian in the bunch.

“Hey, you are borrowing racist terms for whitey from the Chinese!”

Guyasuta continued. “OK, Lone Ranger, Hairy-mouth, growler, whatever… Look here is the list that we compiled, so pay heed in this (former) Indian Country, old devil, it may keep you alive, Custer, Yellow-Haired, white, jive-ass, WASJ, honky…”

“Stop! Just give me the list! You are now borrowing terms for whitey from the black man! And what is a WASJ?”

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Sign, sign everywhere a sign

“Well, Botendaddy, you are half English, Half Manchester-Jewish so you are a White Anglo-Saxon, Jew who looks British and thinks Yiddish. The blue-green eyes and lighter hair give it away. At least I’m a real Indian and not some kind of phony Hebrew. Are you even really Jewish? Or is it some act to get readership so you can get New York Literary Critic Street Cred? You look about as Jewish as my nana, whitey. I could pass as a Jew better than you and I am an American Indian. So here it is, pale-face:

  1. Cut back on extra sugar. Get it out of your diet. It’s sapping your energy and screwing with your insulin.
  2. Get on the stair stepper during your weight workouts, you need more heart, your blood oxygenation sucks.
  3. Capture your left-foot pace-count, it must be at least 80 per minute, work up to 90, you are dogging it like a squaw.
  4. Breathe through your nose, like a brave, quit being a stupid-ass mouth breather.
  5. Start taking added protein of some kind, go to GNC™, dude”

“Hey you dropped your fake Hollywood-racist-stereotype Indian Accent!”

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The two-mile mark

“So sue, me Pinky. So it’s an act. The people want Indians, we give ’em Indians. Let the people be happy.”

“Iced Vanilla Latte?”

Peace be the Botendaddy

 

 

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About Botendaddy

Three times voted extreme sexiest man alive...by acclamation. I run because I must...I must!
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