I finally found a place where no one could ever find me. It was the most remote trailhead imaginable. I was not running today. In fact, I just went for a vigorous extreme swim workout of two laps. The heat and humidity had been vulgar and revolting again. There’s something about a shower…
I was contemplating my next slew of races. All 5k’s, two of which I ran in last year. In one, I had a great time, the other a disaster. The elusive goal: the first minute had to be executed in 8:00 or less or I would not get the coveted insurance break.
“Hi, Botendaddy. Imagine finding you here!”
OMFK (Khufu) it was the librarian!
“How in the name of Lord Beetus did you find me here? This is nowhere! Did you follow me from work? To the University? Khufu! Have you no sense of decency.”
“You are a shitty photographer. What’s up with the thumb in the photo?”
I realized that she was right. I was, in fact, a shitty photographer.
“Librarian? How in the name of mighty Lord Khufu and bold King Leonidas am I ever going to run an eight minute mile again? I just don’t have the juice.”
“You know that I ran college track, you fucking idiot. I can help you. You have to start training for speed, just bite the bullet already.”
“OK, what is it I’m not doing right?”
We came out of the deep woods and we ended up walking beside the river in a random major city in a very bad, incongruous splice or cutover or whatever the hell they call it in modern film editing.
“Look I know your readers like lists, so here’s another list, it’s sure to get you more likes from those gorgeous, hot, female readers and super-cool mystical dudes who read your fantastic site. I mean only the best people in the world read ‘TheBotendaddy’, right?”
“You are correct, my readers are the finest people in the world, the most discerning, the most perceptive, the most beautiful.
“So, as I was saying, here is another list:
1. Train for speed, try to run an eight minute mile at the start of every run. No matter what.
2. Go to a track, count how many beats off the left foot for a quarter-mile lap at two minute or faster pace. Look at your watch. Fuck that shitty MapMyRun App, it ‘pauses’ randomly anyway. You can’t let yourself slow down. Literally run until you drop.
3. Find an uphill start, like your usual rail-trail run. Do the same thing, balls to the wall, dead sprint for one mile. Push yourself, in the name of Lord Sneferu!
4. Do interval training, do a quarter-mile full sprint sub two-minutes, then slow jog the next quarter, then full sprint und so weiter, do this for three miles… if you dare.
5. Full sprint at least a quarter-mile at the end of every run.
“Your wisdom is impeccable. I will try it.”
“Botendaddy. My camper is here. You know what you need to do now. You need to deliver.”
Peace be the Botendaddy