I saw the Park Ranger at the end of the trail. I stopped to recover my shirt and glasses from the bench. I had to sit down. He sat down next to me.
“Looking good there, old man, crypt-keeper, evil un-dead, Mr. Burns™. The six-pack is apparent, Hello!” He was looking me up and down in his usual inappropriate way.
“You know Park Ranger, I don’t get any likes on my site anymore.”
The Park Ranger slapped his knees. “I know why. The site has devolved into man-on-man action, weird women throwing themselves at you for no apparent reason, the crazy Voat FPH-lady, incontinence, nudism, adult diapers. It’s pure mindless idiocy. Where is the diet advice? The running advice? Your readers are nice, normal people. They don’t want to read this crap.”
I ignored him completely.
“I ran without my shirt on, Park Ranger, I can do that now. The problem is, if you wear cotton, the shirt keeps you cool! The Arabs are right about that one.”
“So tell me your stats, you sexy, tanned, man. Life would be so dull out here without you. So many icky, stinky girlies, yuck.”
“There’a lot of very nice women out here Park Ranger, you should…oh sorry, I forgot. As of today here are the stats. Everybody loves stats.
- Height: 6’2½”.
- Weight: 210.2 pounds.
- Total weight lost: 73.8 pounds.
- Total percentage weight lost 25.1%
- Waist: 35¾”.
- Body-fat: 14.10%.
- BMI: 26.9 (Still overweight) That study came out today confirming what we already knew. BMI is a mortality table. If you are overweight or more…you die. Sorry, I love big chicks and all chicks, hell, everybody. But, especially for men, if you are overweight on the chart… you die. Not a condemnation, not a criticism. Love yourself, love your body, but insurance company mortality tables are based on real statistics. I am still 2.0 BMI away from being alive.
- Tan: awesome. I’m not *gay* or anything *hot*, but I’ve been going to the tanning booths. ‘Gotta dance!’
- Calories: no more than 1,500 a day. (See your Doctor, your nutrition needs may be different than mine)
As soon as I said ‘not *gay*’, the Park Ranger rolled his eyes. He turned to me.
“You were running like crap, what happened to you today?”
I turned to the Park Ranger with a look like I had a great intellectual revelation.
“It was a total power outage. It was the weirdest thing. I ran in the high nines for the first mile, then I faded badly each mile thereafter. At the two mile mark, I felt like I was getting heat exhaustion. I actually wanted to quit. I stopped at 3.75 miles.”
We walked back down to the parking lot.
“Well that’s what happens when you run in a massive, reeking adult diaper in 84 degree, high-humidity weather you delectable fool.” Then he muttered *hot* under his breath.
I went to get into my car.
“No pain in the knees today. For some reason, when It’s super-hot and humid, my joints feel a lot better, but damn, my heart and lungs, the humidity, the heat index, Lord Khufu!”
The Ranger looked sad.
“Hey I have to go back to work. You need to hydrate more and eat…more…protein…, See you at Six?”
Peace be the Botendaddy