We were alone in the Bolean Nationality Classroom waiting for the rest of the Writer’s Workshop to come in. The room was ornate wood with bizarre carvings of what looked like stereotypical ancient space aliens.
“Fatty, are you still alive? Lord Beetus has not yet taken you?”
It was the Voat ‘Fat People Hate’ shitlady. She wore a black sports bra and bright blue super-short athletic shorts.
“Look, let’s have a debate, Voat-girl. True or false: let’s examine some of the assertions on FPH.”
“Sure, you Lardvaark, Deathfat, Obeast. But first, you must admire my hot body, you Butter-beast. You adult diaper-wearer with your piss-soaked FUPA. You know you want it.”
She raised her own breasts with her two hands, then she rubbed her sleek, tanned girlie-tummy.
“1. Starvation mode. Is it real? Yes. It’s a natural biological and evolutionary response to a drop in caloric intake. Does it cause plateaus? Yes. Advantage here, you f$&cking psycho-hose-beast.”
She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her hand covering her crotch like she had to urinate.
“Listen grease-golem, fatties use it as an excuse for why they can’t lose weight. It’s simple thermodynamics, CI-CO = weight loss. Have the laws of physics changed? So you plateau, but the body can’t hold out. Did anyone get fat in concentration camps? Advantage here, Landwalrus.”
I contemplated her comparison of obesity to the National Socialist death camps. I could hear the shrieking Fuhrer, the barking German Shepards, the hob-nailed jackboots, the Concentration-Camp PA system screaming commands in German.
“Very sensitive of you to bring that up. You crazy b&tch. May I continue?”
She waved her hand at me to continue, turning away and rubbing her crotch again like she had an itch.
“Sure you Hamplanet, let’s here ‘it’ speak!”
“2. BMR: some people have naturally low Basal Metabolic Rates, likely from genetics (muh Gunetux) or other medical reasons (Condishuns). It does make it harder to lose weight despite eating the exact same amount of caloric intake as a higher BMR person, you venomous, stupid, self-involved nut-job. Advantage here.”
She yawned and groped her private parts more furiously.
“Guess your gender, Botendaddy? I give up, you’re too fat! That’s just shitty fatlogic. Fat has ruined your brain. We aren’t talking about that many calories. They just need to eat below that BMR limit. Advantage here, butter-tears.”
She rubbed the inside of her thighs.
“3. Genetics: natural metabolic rate, ghrelin production, appetite, there are powerful hormones and neuro-transmitters that make it almost overwhelming to fight obesity. You skinnies don’t enjoy eating, food does not make you happy, why? Because you lack the genetic hormonal drivers that overweight people have. You don’t feel hunger acutely or at all. A person’s intestinal tract could be longer, so that food is processed slower. They may have different digestive enzymes.”
She began tweaking her own nipples.
“OMFG, you Beetus-breath! You incontinent diaper-wearer! So what? So it’s harder? It’s just excuse-mongering for lazy fats. You know the truth, only a true skinny can be a sh!tlord or sh!tlady. No former fats. Once a fatty, always a Landwalrus. The damage to the body, the skin, the pancreas, the veins and arteries cannot be undone. And by the way, if you aren’t within BMI normal, you are still a Landwhale. If you are within BMI normal but you have visible fat, you are a disgusting Skinnyfat. BMI normal is not enough! Beach body! No visible fat, you slobbering HAES, Fat Acceptance, Scooty-puff-rider!”
She stood up rubbing her belly into my face. I felt a need to reply as she turned and sat in my lap.
“Do we really need the name-calling, the doxxing, the brigading? You know, I supported your freedom of speech when you idiots got kicked off of Reddit, you have a right to your opinion. I don’t care if people disagree you have a right to speak. But going after defenseless people with such cruelty is sick and ugly at best and leads me to believe that you have other issues.”
She began undulating her hot ass against me.
“My issue is that people’s self-imposed health problems do affect me. They condemned tobacco, why not obesity? Where are the SJW’s on that one, you butter-huffer? Shitlords are true Alpha Males.”
“Seriously? Alpha Males? Alpha males f?ck. And they don’t care what. They don’t care about thin or fat or short or tall or black or white. Real men just f&ck. And seriously, if I can knock some scrawny dude out with one punch, from three different camera angles, in slow motion, like in a Philadelphia knockout video, then you ain’t no Alpha Male. And for the gays on the site, if you are a bottom (*hot*), by definition, being penetrated with a giant, turgid, phallus and having your bowels filled with delicious, red-hot spermatozoa, by a hirsute, muscular, well-endowed real Alpha male, you are in an Omega-male role. You are not an Alpha male.”
She started to grope me in a most inappropriate, yet delightful manner. I was wondering when the rest of the workshop would show up.
“Shut up Botendaddy. How do you run races in that diaper? Do you have any control left at all of your bladder and bowels? Listen, Obesity is skyrocketing. It’s not healthy. It’s an epidemic. It’s a real public health crisis, you ignorant Butter-Golem! The message to America is Stop eating Beetus! Exercise! Walk! Live longer! BMI is a f@cking MORTALITY table, you stupid Whalemart McBeetus! Millions of amputations and premature deaths! I will save lives by sh!tlording! I save lives! You can’t handle the truth! Die Botendaddy! Die! HATE! HATE! HATE!… But aside from all that will you please F&ck me?”
Peace be the Botendaddy