I should have paid attention, but I was leaving the gym, going on my daily walk. I thought it would be quiet and peaceful, who could possibly find me here?
I heard someone repeating various words as if in a trance. The steps got closer and closer. I wanted to run, but I couldn’t, my legs turned to jelly, everything was in slow motion, I turned and there she was…OMFG! the Voat™ Fat People Hate Sh!tlady!
She was dressed in a tank top, with no bra and her cute running shorts and brand new tennies.
“I just got back from my therapist. She says I’m no longer allowed to use the following words:
“Asian shitlord, Backboobs, Backcleavage, Beetus, Beetus-Juice, BMI, CI-CO, Condishuns, FA, Fathate, Fatlogic, Fattit, Feddit, HAES, Hamdelusional, Hamgur, McBeetus, Obesity Paradox, Reee! Reee!, Scooty-puff, Shitlady, Shitlord, Shitlording, SJW, Thermodynamics, Triggered, Tubblr, Whalemart, Beetus-eater, Beluga, Blackholeham, Butterbeast, Buttergolem, Butter Huffer, Butterham, Chairbreaker, Caloriedumpster, Co-Porker, Criscodemon, Deathfat, Eatbeast, Fatty, Fatass, Fupacabra, Eye-pollution, Fat-to-thin, Fatty, Femayo, Former-fat, Former-humans, Fupa Trupa, Greasehog, Greasegoblin, Ham, Hambeast, Hamily, Hamlord, Hamplanet, Hamsteroid, Eyebleach, Heffalump, Hogbeast, Landwalrus, Landwhale, Lard of the Chins, Lardass, Lardbeast, Lardbucket, Lardbutter, Lardcave, Lardvaark, Mayotanker, Mayogender, Minimoon, Obeast, Pigf*cker, Pooldefecator, Planet, Porker, Skinnyfat, Smallfat, Thin-to-fat, Tub of lard, Tumblerina!“
“Hate! Hate! The Shit-lording will continue until BMI Decreases!”
“HATE! HATE! HATE! VOAT IS MY GOD! FAT PEOPLE HATE IS THE BOOK OF KNOWLEDGE! OH LORD BEETUS! WILFORD BRIMLEY™ IS THY NAME!“
She was still obviously insane. We walked the path down by the great river.
“She says I am to repeat them in private until I get it all out of my system. I see you are still walking. Why bother, you’re just going to die anyway from all the damage you’ve done to your body. Your *hot*, lean, tanned, muscular body.”
“What do you mean the damage I’ve done to my body? And by the way, a lot of the stories on Voat FPH are fake. For example, the guy who has his food eaten at work and then puts in the hot sauce. Like all urban legends and other fake stories the actor is some sort of expert on hot sauces and happens to have some special hot sauce no-one ever heard of, with some very scientific ‘Scoville’ hotness rating. Then the girl gets taken out on an ambulance, he’s wondering if he’ll be charged with a crime…I have to call bullsh*t on that one.”
We walked along the wayside in violation of State and Federal Law.
“Well, you know everything, don’t you, O’ wise Botendaddy. But you were thin-to-fat, then fat, then obeast, then deathfat, then fat-to-thin, now skinny-fat, soon to be former fat. It’s too late, you’ve destroyed all of your bodily organs. There’s no point, you should just die. DIE! DIE! DIE! FATTY! Oh it feels so good to say it! DIE! DIE! DIE! LORD BEETUS, I BESEECH YOU PLEASE KILL THE GREASE-GOLEM WHOSE NAME BE THE BOTENDADDY! But, make love to me first…”
Peace be the Botendaddy.