Trail Run on a Real Trail: The Hell Hath no Hurry 10k Settler’s Camp Park, PA

The race was well organized.

Each group for each race: 10k, 30k, 50k and 50 m were started at very staggered times. I talked to one particularly attractive and fit young lady who had ski poles, she was doing the 50m. Cool lady, I wished her the very best.

It was warm and humid at race start.

The refreshments were good.

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Registration

They had shirts, I was too late to get one. They had race socks with the race logo. Nice, but one sock was used as toilet paper.

First of all, it was never 10k, I missed a turn.

According to my MapMyRun™ app, it was at least 11.88k. See below.

Also, the wonderful MapMyRun™ app, did its ridiculous unwanted pause several times in the middle of the race.

I actually recommended to them that they fix this gross defect by having a ‘running’ mode whereby the user can lock down their iPhone™ and it will only pause by the user entering a three-digit code and not for any other reason. And no, I did not have ‘auto-pause’ on.

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A steep hill

The hills were brutal, muddy and often wet. We crossed creeks and footbridges many times. There were rocks and roots underfoot and there was vegetation so close to the trail that I’m certain to have poison ivy.

Disaster struck early as I had to go to the bathroom for a massive bowel movement. But, alas, there was no bathroom. Needless to say, I ended up one sock short after losing at least two minutes to this vegetation-stoked interlude. I also probably added about 0.2 miles to my distance.

My mistake was getting rid of my massive adult diaper before the race began. I thought I wouldn’t need it. Of course, what if I had worn the diaper and had the same massive bowel movement? I would have had to have worn the filthy, reeking, muscular diaper to the next Port-a-John and there weren’t any.

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The start line

The second disaster, I obviously missed a turn somewhere in the woods, which would account for the additional mile.

My first mile was very good, under 9:30, it got progressively worse after that. The steep trail climbs slowed me to a crawl. How I could have started so well and ended so poorly? I’m not sure.

I was passed by just about everybody, where normally I could have held my position against at least 30 of the runners by my count.

When I hit the 6.21 mile mark, i.e, 10k, I was sure that I was almost done. No, I was done at the 7.38 mark. I was completely exhausted. I now realize that the Model-Punker-Writer-Chick was correct. I am not running enough distance. I hit a wall at 7 miles. Yes, I know there were also people running a 30k, 50k and a 50 miler on the same course as part of the same event. Sorry, I’m not there yet.

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Getting ready

I was joined about mid-race by Hiroyuki. She was running the 30k, roughly 18.65 miles.

“So how goes it, yon Botendaddy.” Said Hiroyuki, barely breathing as she ran effortlessly.

“I have now lost 64 pounds total. I weigh 220.2. Still about 21 pounds from the ‘good’ BMI. Yes, I now look razor-thin in clothes. I look thin standing up and lying down, but when I sit down, the remaining chest and belly fat, albeit small, is still evident. So, another 21 pounds to reveal the six-pack and the pecs.” I told her, while I was gasping for breath.

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Huge cut for power lines

“Botendaddy? I think you are still having trouble running for four reasons:

  1. Your body is not efficient. If you are over BMI, you are too fat, end of story in about 99% of cases. Very few people have true ‘big muscle’ Less that one half of one percent, according to a recent Air Force Study. A 37 inch waist is still fat. 34 inches sounds a lot better, don’t you think?
  2. You are not running enough distance. It’s the five mile mark and you look like you are dying. Your body can’t handle the uphill or the distance. You need to train longer runs and more very steep hills and rougher terrain. Quit babying yourself you stupid fatty.
  3. Malnutrition. Your diet is too low in protein and god knows what else.
  4. Age, it’s possible that you are starting to lose some muscle, so your body-fat ratio may actually be a percent or so higher than it was at the same exact weight 20 years ago.
  5. Heart rate. You need to run faster for longer periods of time.”

“Wow Hiroyuki, you speak in numbered paragraphs. That’s awesome!” I mentioned.

“I’ll wait for you in my van at the finish line Botendaddy. Don’t die or anything, I’ll be disappointed. Running gets me, how do I say… worked up for a little man-flesh? So be ready to f&%k me and f&$ me well, you shitty old man, or I will be very angry.”

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The finish line

“Oh sure, I’ll be ready.” I said as I was almost crawling up a very steep muddy hill, with her sweaty, spandex covered ass-cracque and dripping camel-toe almost directly in my face. Ah the smell of it! O’ ye hideous Japanese-Canadian woman-flesh!

“How often do you wear a diaper to run? What’s up with that? Don’t you overheat in that thing? Do you ever go in it? Ah… the taste of it! Rotting man-diaper!” Asked Hiroyuki, in deep fascination with my personal problems.

“I have run 281 times since January 2009 when I got back from Iraq. I have worn a massive adult diaper diaper to run 280 times. I have run in 32 races since then and I have worn an enormous adult diaper 31 of those times. I only go in it about 95% of the times that I run if you are referring to full bladder-emptying loss of urinary control. Maybe 5% of the time it might be a massive, reeking, muscular bowel movement. I had this spinal issue…” I told her matter-of-factly, now far beyond any sense of shame.

“So 100% of the time you run, you need it? Never ever take off your gigantic adult diaper before a race. You cost yourself at least two minutes. You should be more than willing to run with a massive bowel movement in your diaper for five miles if it will save you two minutes, use your head, man.” She added, nodding as if she were the Oracle of Delphi, laying the science on me. She was obviously very creepily perverted and quite insane.

She disappeared up a steep trail ahead of me.

My finish time was horrendous. I was literally totally exhausted to where I couldn’t stand up. Yes, as of now, 7 miles is my hard limit and any hope of a road 5k time of under 30:00 before the end of the summer hinges on my ability to correct the above.

I looked at the 50 mile runners. They didn’t look anything like me. Virtually no body fat. Even the bigger guys were completely lean. No fat, no inefficiency. I have a long, long way to go and I’m looking pretty lean, at least in clothes.

Peace be the Botendaddy

 

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About Botendaddy

Three times voted extreme sexiest man alive...by acclamation. I run because I must...I must!
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