Rôchibauld Sächse-Heutélièr stood in front of the disciples of the Writer’s Workshop. He was always emotionless, but his eyes were misty beneath his tiny round German 1970’s public TV eyeglasses.
“Botendaddy is dead.”
There was stunned silence.
The CEO, Ramon, The Stalker, The Carribbean Queen, The Park Ranger, The Professor, Hiroyuki, The Librarian, The Voat girl, the Punker-Model-Writer-Chick sat in a semi-circle. No-one spoke, they started to look around the room at each other.
“I just came from the hospital. His bed is empty. They refused to give me any information. No information at all. There is only one conclusion. Obviously no-one will claim his remains. He will be buried in a pauper’s grave on a rainy, muddy, black day like Beethoven and he will be forgotten, left to be consumed by the humus and the worms.”
“What do we do now?” Asked the librarian, somberly. “I loved him completely.”
“My soul is dead.” Said the PMWC.
“I can’t go on.” Said the Stalker.
“OMFG!” Whispered The Park Ranger
“He f*&cked me!” Said the Voat-girl.
“He was so eviscerating with his critiques.” Added the Professor.
“He was beautiful.” Stuttered Ramon.
“He was so…so…filthy…so perverted.” Stated the CEO with an erotic shudder.
“I just got to know him. Thank god I got my period.” Sighed the Carribbean Queen.
“He f*&ked everyone in this room, dumbass.” Said Hiroyuki.
“He left his Manifesto of weight loss and exercise. I suggest that if you are true disciples, apostles of the Botendaddy, then you will live as he lived and do as he wanted you to do.” Said Rôchibauld handing out copies of the manifesto.
See a doctor to find any health impediments to exercise of adjustments to diet. You need a full physical and bloodwork.
Install two apps on your phone (Or use something with the same capabilities):
My Fitness Pal (It will compute what caloric rate you need to consume in order to lose weight at a specified amount per week)
Map My Run both by UnderArmour.
If you already exercise, keep doing it, but record it on My Fitness Pal.
Compute your BMI (optional)
Determine your obese lower limit
Determine your overweight lower limit
Compute your body-fat % (optional)
Pick a goal %
Compute your basal metabolic rate for calories burned by everyday activities.
For weight loss, you will have to set a caloric intake below this rate in month two.
Record your starting weight. Always use the same scale and only the same scale. Measure your waist size. Always use the same measuring tape.
You do not have to change the way you eat yet. You are gathering information only this month.
Set a long-term goal:
Get out of the upper half of Obese BMI?
Get out of the lower half of Obese BMI?
Get out of the Overweight BMI and into the good BMI category?
Cut body-fat by 20%?
Cut waist size by ten inches?
Set short-term weight and waist goals.
Record all your calories consumed every day (you’ll get the hang of this). Record every calorie, be honest it’s a self-assessment. See what you really eat. It’s OK. Don’t be afraid.
Remain patient. Don’t get panicky, don’t feel pressure to lose, don’t hate your body. Don’t feel judged by others. They don’t pay your bills, they don’t walk in your shoes; the hell with their opinions.
Record your weight and waist size again, it could go up, that’s possible. We don’t care yet, we just want to see the trend and find the right caloric intake.
Do not count calories. Just start to make better choices, build good habits
Shop better – Don’t bring bad food into the house.
Even if you eat at a burrito joint, get the salad, not the burrito for example.
Eat mixed fruit instead of bacon and eggs at breakfast.
No 1,000 calorie+ meals
Eat smaller portions, f/x. little changes, not at every meal, not every time you shop, just slowly get into new habits.
Cut out your two favorite vices. Mine were sugary coffees and teas and any form of chocolate.
You are allowed one of your two vices once a week and no more.
If you like coffee, get the 90 calorie espresso not the 400 calorie latte.
A little sugar is OK (if you are diabetic, please consult your doctor).
Keep the diet balanced, don’t eliminate sugar or carbs or protein or fat (unless you have a medical condition again, consult your dietitian or doctor)
If you don’t eat a balanced diet, something will go wrong, i.e. if protein is too low, you will lose muscle.
Walk every day at least 20 minutes.
Watch your calories burn on the Map My Run App. (If you have a medical condition, ask your doctor for an alternative exercise, i.e., if you are in a wheelchair maybe go manual for your walk or swim).
By the way, the ’10,000 steps concept’ burns up to 600 calories a day. That’s 4,200 a week.
In my opinion, walking is better than running for weight loss because:
You can do it every day
It’s the body’s normal locomotion technique
You can do it for long periods of time
It doesn’t take much recovery
Running is destructive to the joints and back
You can’t run every day
You can’t run as much as you can walk
Weights or other resistance exercise builds muscle. Muscle helps burn calories as it is always at work.
Weigh yourself at the end of the process: I lost only four pounds by this time, but: I wasn’t gaining anymore. I had reversed the trend.
Month Three and Beyond
Pick a moderate calorie count you can live with, mine was 2,050 at 6’2″. (Your calorie goal will be different.)
Adhere to the calorie count no matter what.
If you are ready to go to bed and you only ate 1,700 don’t allow yourself to ‘eat up’ to 2,050.
Record every single thing you eat that has calories.
They will be 3-10 days, every other week.
No matter what you do, you cannot exercise or starve your way out of a plateau.
Just be patient.
Drink lots of water. You can get kidney stones if you don’t.
Every 5% weight loss, adjust your calorie count. You’re getting thinner, you need fewer calories to maintain the weight. It’s human anthropology.
The so-called ‘starvation effect’ is overcome by:
Walking every day,
Reducing calories every 5% weight loss and
Cheating at one meal a week on different days to trick your system, or a three days cheat-fest every three months.
Keep your body guessing as to what amount of nutrition it will get from you.
Talk again while in progress, to a dietician or your medical professional in case you have any medical issues before starting a diet and exercise program. My physiology is different from yours.
Never ever count your exercise calories burned against your daily calorie count, it’s cheating. I call it a calorie undercount. It’s awesome.
Remember you cannot exercise your way to weight loss.
Exercise is to get healthy, it doesn’t work to lose weight. It’s not a crutch.
I don’t use artificial sweeteners, I’ve read that they may cause hunger and insulin reaction, but others disagree. I don’t take the risk.
Find a buddy who wants to do this with you. Son, daughter, husband, wife, friend, nemesis…
Consistency is the key.
Weigh yourself every day, without emotion or reaction. Record your weight in My Fitness Pal- it’s a marathon not a sprint, your weight will ALWAYS fluctuate. Record your waist measurement once a week only.
If you are more than 40 pounds overweight: WALK DON’T RUN!
Never run with a backpack, ever. You will damage your spinal discs.
If you are going to run, see your doctor first for approval.
If you are going to run and you are overweight: Only run on a soft surface like a track or trail.
If you are starting a running program, on day one go to a track. Walk 110 yards, run 110 yards, until you have completed one lap, then walk the rest. Do this only twice a week no more. Next time out try to run a full lap. Increase by adding 110 yards of running every time until you can run one mile. Then do the same until you can run three miles. Take about two-three months to work up to it.
Keep doing three miles for another two-three months. Sign up for a 5k. Be bold. Run it.
Record every run, no matter how slow.
Gradually improve your pace.
Get off the drugs.
Love your body.
The disciples looked up. There, dressed all in white, WAS THE BOTENDADDY!
Ramon looked at Rôchibauld. They all turned slowly to stare disgustedly at Rôchibauld.
“He’s not dead you f&%king-asshole-Lard-butter-walrus-Beetus-Scooty-Puff-Kraut-Heinie-Krucci-Teutonic-Commie-bastard!” Said the Voat girl.
They all jumped up to hug the Botendaddy.
Peace be upon the Botendaddy