I sat with the stalker in the meadow.
“Botendaddy, so what was this crap you were saying about dieting and running and working out? By the way, very few people look good in clothes. Virtually nobody over 24 has a beach body. So if you have a beach body everyone wants you. It’s a very small and rare society of people. I have a beach body. My bare midriff would induce a heart attack in any male over 50 and flat out kill a lesbian over 50 on the spot. One look at this hotness, dead before they hit the ground. And what do I do with this bounty? I throw it away like rotten garbage onto the festering sh!t pile that is the Botendaddy. Why are you so gentlemanly in public, but in private you do things to me that even deSade or Caligula never imagined?”
Caveat #37: Do not take any exercise or dieting discussions on this site as a personal recommendation. Always talk to your Physician or licensed Dietitian. It would be good if your Physician is licensed too and is not some oxy-for-sex-trading-quack-snake-oil-salesman-carnie-body-snatcher-Frankenstein-Jekyll-Hyde.
“When you are with me, I feel acted upon. I feel like a puppet in some sick play. Like a dancing Marionette. You take away my dignity, my pride and above all, you take away my self respect as a female of the human species. I feel degraded, dirty, humiliated. You are like a sh!tty demon who steals my very soul. You are utterly beneath me. You are too hideous, ugly isn’t a word strong enough to describe the horror that is you. Your body is a repulsive undulating mass of tissue. I feel like I’m in Huis Clos. I feel like I’m in a poker game where I lose every hand. I could do better if I picked up a homeless, leperous, 90 year old, decrepit, diseased, ex-con, bum. I feel like I’ve been scr3w3d, f&^ck3d, hammered. I despise everything about you. Your incessant stupid wisdom, which I could get from a bubble gum comic strip from a ten-cent gumball machine or a mindless, racist fortune cookie. I am a successful, adult feminist woman, yet you spank me like a child and blame me for allowing your sick depredations on my person. You are in a word disgusting. I love you. I love you against all reason.”
Caveat #37: (There are no other caveats. Let’s not go there people. I love you and I’m trying to spare you.) The Biggest Loser controversy has scared everyone. But I can ease your mind. It’s medical anthropology. The body reacts to sudden, abrupt changes with harsh-over-compensations. Let’s discuss:
- Walking (If you are disabled you must discuss a different slow burn activity with your M.D. or Physical Therapist.) So just substitute your exercise for the word ‘walking’. Walking is slow burn, you can do it for long duration and you can do it every day without much need for recovery time. Walking burns a surprising number of calories.
- Running. It’s good. Good for the heart, but you cannot run enough in a week to be effective for weight loss. Also, you can’t do it every day unless you are the Rubber Band…Man.
- Lifting. It’s good to develop muscle, which keeps body-weight regulated, improves bone density and fights osteoporosis. But, it is anaerobic and you cannot do it everyday. Recovery is even more critical with resistance exercises.
- Conclusion. Slow and easy tricks the body into not over-reacting and trying to fight the weight loss. Abrupt strenuous exercise just risks injury and makes the body fight back too hard. You want to make sure that the body can’t lower the basal caloric metabolic rate too far and for too long. Nor do you want to over-stimulate the appetite response.
“Botendaddy. I am madly, passionately, Romantic-19th-Century-poetic head over heels in love with you. I would marry you right this instant, but my parents would have you killed almost immediately and I would be locked in a tall tower for eternity.”
“Dieting. It’s the same concept, hot 29 year old stalker girl. Let’s examine some facts.
- Diet slowly. If you go too fast, the body can over-compensate by dramatically lowering your metabolic basal caloric level.
- Diet sensibly. You know, portion control, lower calories, lower sugar, lower carbs, lower fat, more vegetable and fruit, better choices. But don’t overdo it. Maintain a balanced diet or your body is forced to react.
- Don’t lower your caloric intake too much too fast or to break a plateau. Or, the body over-reacts. Do it slowly and carefully and with the advice of your Doctor or Dietitian.
- Plateaus. Be patient. I for one, weigh myself every day, yes every day. Enter it into an app like MyFitnessPal™ and look at the trend-line over two months. It is very very repetitive. You lose, you plateau for 4-10 days. You lose, you plateau 4-10 days ad infinitum. Yes you will plateau so don’t give up…yes you will lose the weight. The plateau is the body’s overreaction to weight loss. It’s OK. Don’t quit. Maintain the same caloric rate.
- Conclusion. Slow and steady wins the race. It’s science. You know this, you’ve seen this.
- Psychology. Do it for you. Don’t rush yourself or feel pressure. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Seriously. Do I care what anyone thinks? Obviously not, but I’m insane.”
“Botendaddy. Are you even listening to me? Did you listen to your poor Annabel Lee? She loved you, in an epic, tragic, early 19th Centruy way and I bet you ignored her until it was too late. You are an awful person. I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. That poor girl. You had true romantic, early 19th Century love and you didn’t appreciate it, so for her I say this to you: F&^% YOU Botendaddy! F&^% YOU! Die you pig! Rot in hell you scum!…Make love to me now. Right here in this meadow. Take me utterly into your vortex. Own me completely… my body, my very soul is yours….”
Peace be the Botendaddy