Modest Uphill 5k Trail Run

It was a dull, dark and soundless day.

It was like the opening scene of Poe’s ‘The Fall of the House of Usher.’

Fallen timbers on the trail

Fallen timbers on the trail

I started fast, I felt light on my feet.

My first half-mile was quick enough, but I just didn’t run as hard as I could have.

I did read somewhere, that while running too often is bad for you, so is running too rarely.

So at least twice a week or more, I run.

The trail was easy on my knees.

Foreboding ethereal hill

Foreboding ethereal hill

I found out later, that it is a 200-foot vertical climb over less than 2/5th of a mile.

My two-mile time was solid, but not great.

Same for my three-mile time. I felt myself getting tired at the end and I just didn’t have the heart to sprint.

I arrived back at the ugly, asphalt parking lot which lay next to the equally soulless rural municipal building where they occasionally grind trees into mulch, right next to the creek.

New bench for weary runners

New bench for weary runners

I heard someone come running up behind me. Who could it be this time?

It was the super-hot, mentally deranged librarian.

‘Oh did you hear, yon Botendaddy? Your race team is no more.’

I felt horribly clammy and sweaty. The traffic raced by on the highway above us, rendering it painful effort to hear simple conversation. It was only 52 degrees out, so I had to run in full, grey cotton 1910-era sweats.

‘Do tell, Missy.’

She put her hands on her hips like an angry eight year old. She wore a skin-tight running suit. I need not mention the hellacious, maximal, obscene, spandex-induced camel-toe. I could almost taste it.

‘So, fatty, hot, gay Ramon took off to go live with the Park Ranger in the Poconos, so he’s gone. Your stupid little Japanese-Canadian twat went back to her boyfriend, yeah, her boyfriend. Some nerdy, anime-furry freakazoid. The CEO went back to her lifeless ex-husband. And the stalker? She found someone better to stalk. Someone younger, better looking, leaner, hotter, poor bastard.’

I was thinking about how I got rid of all these nut-cases in one fell swoop. But she continued, ruining my nice dreams of solitude.

‘Now it’s just you and me, you pathetic, hideous slob, your horrific ugliness makes me shudder when I think that I let you touch me, explore me, have me, slime me, drowning my poor uterus with your evil, sloppy, sticky, bodily juices. God, you are so beneath me. I feel so…so contaminated, so dirty. I hate myself and I hate you with an unbridled passion, yet I am madly in love with you. I love you against all reason.’

I leaned against the hood of the car with my arms crossed.

‘Thanks for the high praise. Did you run behind me the whole way, Kid?’

The eternal sky

The eternal sky

‘Came from the other side, you weren’t hard to catch. I just waited for the lumbering sound of your enormous, adult diaper. I timed it perfectly.’

She paused dramatically, twirling her bright blond hair.

I’m furious with you, Botendaddy, by the way. I just found out that I’m not pregnant. I really wanted to have your baby. I am in a deep funk, utterly depressed. To be the wife of a {REFERENCE DELETED}. To sit at THE club with the other Anglo-Saxon blue-blood moms. But now I’m just a loser. My life is slipping away and you laugh at me. All because of you and your slimy, defective, lazy spermatozoa.’

She leaned her back up against me.

‘I’m sorry, librarian. Life can be difficult at times. But, the key is to run, and run often. Of course if you are injured, you should take time off. And walk on days that you don’t run.’

She started grinding her hot ass rhythmically, against my massive, bloated corpse.

‘I was from a good family, I was successful, beautiful. What in the hell happened to me? I should have been married to some wealthy, attractive prominent man. I should have kids and a huge house. But I’m out here with the decrepit, rotting Botendaddy. How could I have failed so dramtically? Oh the shame.’

‘Come now, it’s not all that bad is it?’ I lied to her, of course. She had in fact hit rock-bottom by associating herself with me.

‘Somebody loved you once, muscular, aged Botendaddy. I know. She must have been very beautiful in a poetic, Romantic-era, tragic, Annabel Lee, early 19th Century sort of way. You said she had chocolate brown hair and matching brown eyes. I’m envious of her, that you could have had such a true love. I’m sure she died of a broken heart, when she realized that she had wasted her life with a disgusting, slobbering reprobate like you.’

I had an urge to put her over my knee and publicly spank her until she wept uncontrollably.

‘Coffee?’ I asked.

Peace be the Botendaddy




About Botendaddy

Three times voted extreme sexiest man acclamation. I run because I must...I must!
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