Spring into Shape 5k, St. Clairsville, Ohio

St. Clairsville is awesome. Run any race in this town if you can get here.

The weather was cool and dry. The organizers and runners were pleasant and wonderful.

I have now run in three different races in three different states over the past three races.

I plan on running in extreme Northern Virginia, Western Maryland, DC and Western NY for the next four races.

I’ll see if I can pull it off.

The good news. My weight is holding steady below my most recent goal weight.

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Start Point at the Highest Point in the Town

I am down to what I weighed when I was in Bosnia 13 years ago, when I could easily pass the Army Physical Fitness test as well as do three sets of six chin-ups.

So, at any rate, the St. Clairsville 5k.

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The Old Courthouse

Beautiful little town. Perfect slice of Americana.

Nice, friendly people.

The race shirts were fantastic.

The first mile, wait for it: 8:48!!!

Now the fluky 9:36 is just a distant memory.

By the way, the same dude who won in Wheeling last week, won again in St. Clairsville. He is amazing, and I told him so. He runs so effortlessly, it is madness. His pace? An insane 5:33!

So for my two mile time, I ran 19:42. the Army APFT standard for my age is 19:48!

So I can now pass the Army Physical Fitness test again! It’s insane, I say!

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The Old Train Tunnel on the Course

My third mile started well, but the massive uphill climb to the finish line was well over 2/5 of a mile, it killed me.

My final time was a very disappointing 35:41.

I easily had 33:00 in my sights as of the two-mile mark, but it all faded away, first on the long uphill to the tunnel, then on the afore-described steep climb at the end of the race.

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The Finish Line

Up in the gym, they had pizza and salad, apples, bananas, energy bars, a good spread, but I just ate an apple and I drank water.

By the way, the fast walkers were amazing. About five of them finished ahead of me.

If I had been paying attention, I would have noticed that the punk-model-writer chick had been running silently, smoldering with rage, just a few steps behind me the entire race.

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The Gym after the Race

I sat down in the grass at the finish line when she snuck up on me. Yes ‘snuck!’

“You really had ‘slown’ down there at the end, my delectable Botendaddy. I noticed you took the smelly, decrepit, musty inter-urban bus to get here, so I’m going to give you a ride back, in my awesome retro-artist conversion van.”

“Sure” I said, not knowing why I would agree to such a thing.

“You know, crazy punk-model-writer girl, you can’t run uphill in a race if you don’t do it in training. You should always anticipate an uphill finish and train for it.”

“Blah, blah, blah, shut up, already. You shitty old Bigfoot. No-one wants to listen to your incessant blather. It makes me want to throw up. See? Look around here, you stupid inept, lumbering freak, see what nice normal people look like. They don’t look like you. You make me physically sick. I want to hit you with a blunt object.”

I walked up the incredibly steep steps to the school bathroom to escape her raving. I ingeniously soaked my towel with sink water and then I bathed myself in the amply-sized handicapped stall and I changed into more appropriate, clean clothing.

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The Steep Stairs to Get Back to the Gym.

When I came back down, she was still there, standing next to her brand-new super-expensive conversion van.

“Botendaddy, what’s with the scrubs? Are you some kind of medical professional?”

“NO!” I snapped. “I have nothing to do with the medical profession in any way shape or form.”

“Oh, I get it”, she smirked, you’re still on about ‘the incident‘. No worries, fatty, get in the van with me. It’s all ready. It is time that you properly made love to me as I deserve, as you owe me! You filthy, sweaty, slimy, cretinous, Frankenstein! You smelly, hairy Yeti, you creepy lurking Sasquatch. A woman loved you once, you can love me too. I AM STILL A VIRGIN AND IT IS YOUR FAULT, FATTY! TAKE ME NOW!”

Her van was luxurious. It was equipped with a tiny kitchen, a tiny bathroom with an even narrower shower stall. It also had a mini fridge, microwave, weird blue-back-lighting, creepy expressionist art, built-in big-screen TV, a computer stand and… a bed.

As I sat cross-legged in the back of her van, I noticed that she had pulled the front partition shut. She had entirely disrobed, revealing one of the most amazing Kubrick-movie female bodies I have ever seen.

“How does this suit you, fat-boy? Do you want this boddee?”

I had quite enough of her months of endless haranguing. I disrobed entirely and I moved my sweaty, disgusting, glowing-green, macabre, ethereal, dead corpse towards her as the bad mood music and weird multi-colored strobe lighting came on automatically. I could detect the faint smell of incense.

“Oh Botendaddy! OH BOTENDADDY!!!” She shrieked.

{CENSORED OHIO WESTERN RESERVE DEPT. OF AGRICULTURE FOR EXTREME TOXIC IMPURITY AND PRURIENT CONTENT, PER ORDER OF THE CIRCUIT COURT OF COLUMBUS, AUGUST 5, 1926, i.a.w. OHIO CONS. STAT. No. 206-15-2(b)  JANUARY 11, 1899}

Spring Into Shape 5k: Highly Recommended

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About Botendaddy

Three times voted extreme sexiest man alive...by acclamation. I run because I must...I must!
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