I went for a walk in the suddenly wintry woods when I ran into Ramon, the young, *gay* Argentine dance instructor, bodybuilder and lifetime trail runner. Of course, he was posing again, right in the middle of the trail, despite the cold.
“Ramon! What are you doing out here in the cold? Are you stalking me again?”
“Hello Botendaddy! You are a very sexy man! But I ask myself, in my sexy Argentine accent how can it be… that one so gruesome, so hideous can be so sexy? I must admit that it is beyond lust. I am madly in love with you in the most torrid, stereotypically Hollywood Latin way. You are one of the world’s legendary romantic lovers I am told. Would you like to… Mambo?”
We started dancing in the woods. A wild 1930s film noir Latin dance, Mambo, Rhumba, Tango all with near perfect form. Other runners stopped to rhythmically clap. One runner actually brought maracas. A brass band that had been practicing in an old shed nearby came into the trail to play hot Latin dance music.
“By the way Ramon, I am starting a diet. Can I lecture about it while you worship me in rapt attention?”
“Oh dear Botendaddy, I live for your stultifying, mindless, sleep-inducing soliloquies!”
Say you want to lose weight.
So you eat a salad. Not fun not horrible.
To make it edible, you put on a bit of salad dressing.
Then the diet gurus tell you: ‘ooh salad dressing will make you fat!’
Their advice is meant for the 110-pound model or the featherweight wrestler who is trying to lose a few ounces. Not for ice-age behemoths like me.
No, the dressing won’t hurt you. The fact that you are eating a salad with dressing… OK, maybe 300+ calories. Isn’t that better than the 3,000 calorie Chimichanga lunch you were eating before? Yeah. I think so. So don’t let yourself get discouraged by such stupidity.
No one gets fat from bananas either. Ever seen a fat chimp? I haven’t.
Same for artichokes and olives. They are mostly fiber. It’s the fact that you are making better choices, often by thousands of calories that should be encouraged.
I was under 1,700 calories yesterday and I will be under 2,000 today. I’m not starving, but it’s not fun either.
The calorie app is good, as it allows you to see your calories climb through the day.
Also, I have to weigh myself every day. This discourages some people, but it disciplines me to stay on track.
We stopped dancing in the forest. Ramon was staring at me. Gazing deep into my eyes in the creepiest possible way. Then I realized he was stone still. Had I bored him to actual death?
I snapped my fingers and he awoke.
“Oh wonderful, delicious Botendaddy, you actually bored me to sleep with my eyes open. How is this possible? You have hypnotized me like Kaa the heavily copyrighted cartoon snake.”
I left Ramon on the trail doing his poses as I slipped into the wintry woods like a Robert Frost character in a Currier and Ives woodcut.
Remember, consult your licensed Physician or dietician on any diet advice. The Botendaddy only describes his own experiences for the purpose of entertainment.
Peace be the Botendaddy