Deep Snow Trail Run

I was the only runner.

It was strange, about 4-6 inches of snow on the trail.

There were a few dog walkers. That’s about it.

It was cold, about 20, the perfect temperature to avoid sweating.

I was dressed for the cold.

You will find that you can’t really run fast in the snow.

I had a slow start. I think it takes more energy to run in extreme cold or heat.

My choice would be about 52 degrees and dry.

I ran up to the lonely bridge over the wild fast-moving rural creek.

I noticed that the mileage on the GPS tracked closer to the mile markers this time.

My theory is that MapMyRun, using my iOS GPS ‘app’ in low signal areas, either waits too long to get the first ping or the first triangulations are confused due to multi-path or some other issue.

Then I was approached by three off leash dogs. Roughly hound-sized 50-60 pounders. In classic dog behavior in an ancient choreographed primeval dance, one approached from the left, one from the right and one down the middle.

The middle dog ran right into my legs as I was running. I wanted to say nothing, but I said to the dog’s hipster self-involved owner: “Hey, how about a leash?”

She gave a me a smarmy, superior look as if I had inconvenienced her.

A voice cried out from the snowy creek: “He said get a leash for your shitty, Cerberus, Cujo hounds of hell! You stupid twat!”

“I don’t know her, I yelled to the poor dog-walker girl as I tried to gain speed on the downhill, but I was too late. It was the stalker.

“So, you think you’re so superior to me, mister smarty-pants, Army Officer, Manhattan literary art critic man. You big, sexy, fat, sweaty, drooling, disgusting, Frankenstein, freakish, Yeti…”

“Enough! I yelled. Enough! You have got to compose yourself. Get some psychiatric help. You are clearly fixated at the pre-Electra phase where men are viewed as an all-devouring father figure and you exhibit narcissistic tendencies, acute bi-polar disorder, projection, reaction-formation and extreme Freudian homosexual panic… you are a petri dish of psychiatric disorders with possible organic origin. I recommend a course of holistic therapy with Haladol and a Thorazine base, but only after consultation with a licensed Psychiatrist with major hospital and clinical trials research experience.”

She ran effortlessly next to me.

“Botendaddy. I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you…”

I leapt into my car. She sank to her knees shouting: “I’ll get you Botendaddy! And your little dog too!”

Peace be the Botendaddy.

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About Botendaddy

Three times voted extreme sexiest man alive...by acclamation. I run because I must...I must!
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