Run Number 54: Steep Trail Run

I haven’t really broken any running records this year.

I’ve run about ten formal timed distance races.

I did well in one of them.

I finished all of them.

I am practicing what I preach by running hills every fourth run.

800px-Pittsburgh_frick_park_trail

5.05 miles. Total climb lowest to highest point 845 to 1,103 feet over 1.2 miles. Horrible…horrible.

Total elevation gain 531 feet…horrible.

I ran through the park. Many people did not have their massive dogs on leashes. Very dangerous.

I ran without taking aspirin first. Very painful. Very sluggish.

Remember: never take aspirin or any other medicine to run without the extreme, formal and strict advice from a licensed physician.

I was running in the park when a woman came up behind me. She looked very familiar.

OMFG THE STALKER!

‘Botendaddy. You know I never expected to see you here in the park today. But when I saw your massive, giant, fat, lumbering, bloated, delicious, sexy body staggering up the trail I had to say hello.’

I tried to run faster, but I could not escape. My legs turned to gelatin as if in a dream.

‘I want you to crush me with your massive, sweaty, disgusting corpse. I am wealthy, young and successful. You know all men find me irresistible, but you Botendaddy are a mystery. THEY ALL WANT ME, YOU FAT, HIDEOUS, DISGUSTING FRANKENSTEIN, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?…DO YOU WANT THIS BODEEE! DO YOU WANT THIS BODEEE! She shrieked.

‘Sssh, show some decorum for Khufu’s sake. Shouldn’t you be running a bit faster anyway?’ I queried.

‘Oh why no Mr. Botendaddy, Mr. ‘Big Sexy’, I want to run with you!’

I prayed for one of the unleashed dogs to come bounding up the hill and eat her in one massive gulp. But there was no escape. no way out…Huis Clos.

‘Look. Trail running is an art.

  1. You need the right shoes, new shoes with a good grip in case it’s wet or snowy.
  2. Your shoes should be good for mud.
  3. Your shoes should be laced tight so gravel can’t get in.
  4. I double knot my laces in any event.
  5. I try to be careful on the downhill, pick a pace, if you have to slow down you will either tumble or jam up your knees.
  6. On the uphill stay steady.
  7. Pick a point ahead and run to it if you get really tired.
  8. Use a GPS App preferably one with a map so you don’t get lost.
  9. If you do get lost, go back exactly the way you came, until you find a place you recognize.
  10. In summertime, carry water. In winter or in rain, always wear a hat and cover your neck or you’re sure to get sick.
  11. Never ever run a trail at night or in the dark unless it’s an organized race.
  12. Never run trails alone if you can possibly avoid it.

‘Ooh Botendaddy you are so knowledgable. It’s a huge turn on for me.’

She looked down at her untied shoe and I made a break for it, crashing down through the brush, running like a fugitive being chased by shitty bloodhounds in a bad faux-southern Hollywood black and white 1950s theme film. I escaped this time, but the next? Only the future can tell.

Sartre: ‘Hell is other runners.’

Peace be the Botendaddy

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About Botendaddy

Three times voted extreme sexiest man alive...by acclamation. I run because I must...I must!
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