I ran well in run 52, my fastest times over the year and at least the past four years by far.
I stopped at the end of the trail to recuperate.
‘Mr. The Botendaddy…’ A voice said. She was a young, may I say lean and attractive professional woman of about 25. She had been running on the same trail with me. I didn’t see her until I stopped. I was hunched over, gasping for air.
‘Yes… I replied, how may I help you Miss.’
‘First of all it’s such an honor to meet America’s most feared literary critic, and running blogger extraordinaire. How do run so well when you are a giant lumbering sloth.’
‘Are you quite through insulting me you insolent little tart! I should put you over my knee!’ Her eyes rolled back in her head, she almost fainted at the suggestion.
‘Oh Botendaddy, say that again! Oh my god, say that again!’ Once again she shuddered violently and almost fell over.
‘Calm down Missy, and tell me what wisdom you seek?’ I said with my hands on my hips towering over her.
‘What is your secret to running so well?’
‘Well it’s simple:
- Five minutes of stretching. No more no less. Not too hard, but especially a light stretch on the ankles and the knees. It cuts pain dramatically.
- Run hills at least every fourth time you run. Hard hills. They will destroy your run times, but also make your legs stronger.
- Run a longer distance, maybe twice as far as usual at least every fourth time.
- Start fast and your cumulative time is always better. You will burn out later anyway so why not start strong?
- Always time yourself. I use the ‘Map My Run’ ©®™ app, but there are many apps out there and this is not an endorsement, it’s just the product I use.
- Run at least twice a week. If you are a casual runner, no more no less or you will destroy your body.
- Always train on dirt or a soft surface. Save the hard surface for races. Try to pick trail races if you can.
- Replace your shoes every six months as the soles get too thin.
- Keep a chart of your runs. Plan out what you want to do. You can see your progress and set goals.
- Also, I take two baby aspirin before I run, but I don’t recommend you do that that without the strict advice of a physician.’
She was busily tapping in my advice to her advanced super-expensive ultra cell phone as she leaned against her brand new Audi ©®™
‘You know, Mr. TheBotendaddy, you are unquestionably and without a doubt the sexiest man alive. I am totally turned on by giant big fat Frankensteins like yourself. You fill me with utter fear, revulsion and tantalizing excitement. OH TAKE ME! TAKE ME NOW!’
‘I looked around. Elderly women looked at the scene with horror.
(‘You filthy old pervert!’) One old lady snarled.
(‘Disgusting, immoral unpatriotic trash!’) a stately, bespectacled elderly man said.
(‘Why her, you sicko! You oppressor! You hyper-masculine devil! TAKE ME INSTEAD!’) Another young bespectacled librarian-looking woman passerby said.
I saw my break and I ran for it while they were distracted. I made it to my shitty mountain bike and I pedaled for all I was worth. I was safe for now, but only divine providence could foretell what the future held.