I just ran at 10PM IN 104 DEGREE HEAT! WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS GOD-FORSAKEN PLACE!
While I was running, I had a heat stroke, facial palsy, aneurysm, total organ failure, heart attack, exploding aorta and SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION!
WHO LIKES THIS CRAP! ARE YOU FREAKING INSANE?
I die and I wake up to the screaming head of KAPH! Burning in eternal hellfire!
But no, I wake up and I am jogging on a blood-red quarter-mile running track.
Every mile they hand me a small cup of water.
Every quarter-mile my times slowly deteriorate.
I see other runners on the track, PreFontaine glides past, Jimm Fixx, many others, all are smiling.
Why did they go to hell? BECAUSE THEY TOLD US RUNNING WAS FUN!
Then red-skinned horn-ed demons join me on the track.
They are wearing bad 70s jogging suits with red terry-cloth headbands and wristbands, with little stylized devil’s head logos on them.
The demons torment me as they effortlessly run past saying:
“Dude, good run! Are you like, getting the runner’s high man? This is like, so cool!”
THEN SATAN HIMSELF JOINS ME ON THE TRACK! HE SPEAKS TO ME!
“So like dude, good stride, man, keep your head up man, breathe, I get in like 5-6 miles day down here, dude, it’s like when I run, man, I like really see beyond, man!