James Bond Movie Review: Dr. No – Boring and Awful

I can’t believe how bad this movie is. It’s atrocious, boring, oddly paced. John Kitzmiller is totally unbelievable as a Jamaican. His accent makes no sense He is wooden at best.

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Zena Marshall is even worse than I remember her. Even though I don’t go for the cultural appropriation horse 🐴 shit 💩, she was dolled up to look Asian such being almost as bad as Mickey Rooney’s cringe-worthy performance as I. Y. Yunioshi in Breakfast 🍳  At Tiffany’s.

Ursual Andress is what they refer to in the urban colloquial vernacular idiomatic usage as a ‘bad mother-(hush your mouth).

Jack Lord, later of ‘Hawaii 5-0’ is surprisingly good, but he seems like an unnecessary throw-in, kind of like the fake Raymond Burr scenes from the atrocious American mash-up of ‘Godzilla’ or his silly splice-in from ‘Caine Mutiny’

By the way, I find Blake Edwards to be among the worst film-makers of all time, ‘Breakfast’ was Blake Edwards only good movie. ‘10’  makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Citizen Kane.

Dr No’s plot is almost impossible to follow. There is little to no transition between scenes. Terrance Young’s choppy direction is disconcerting at best. Sean Connery desperately tries to save this movie, but it’s hopeless. They have him mugging for the camera pitifully like Danny DeVito in ‘Twins’

I’m sure that the movie was fun for it’s time and Bond nostalgists must give it an obligatory  nod, but this film is so stupid and dull it’s almost unwatchable. The tarantula scene isn’t even scary and the scene where he shoots the scientist 👨‍🔬 is dull if not silly 😜.

The production quality is poor at best. It looks like it was filmed on a tiny budget and it doesn’t capture any of the charms of Jamaica 🇯🇲 despite being filmed on location.

By the middle of the film, I couldn’t have cared less who Dr No. was. I didn’t care if they stopped him and I was hoping that MI6 would cut funding for Bond’s mission and send him home.

Does that anyone else see this? Is it just me? This movie 🎥 is absolutely horrible. There isn’t really any good Spy 🕵️‍♂️ intrigue or decent gadgets. The musical score is spotty and unmemorable. It is very poorly filmed and there is no suspense. Even the lighting isn’t off and doesn’t provide any mood.

I hate everything about this movie 🍿.

Verdict: I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

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‘Possible Shark’ indicted as unnamed co-conspirator in Trump hang-glider attack on Botendaddy at Kardashian-Calrissian Brexit Summit

{SITE IS DOWN FOR MAINTENANCE PER ORDER OF PA DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE PURSUANT TO PA CONS STAT NO 37-1937 ORDER OF COURT OF QUARTER SESSIONS OF SOMERSET COUNTY, FREE AND ACCEPTED COMMONWEALTH OF PENNSYLVANIA YEAR OF THE RISEN CHRIST BEING THE 1,947th PERCURIAM}

F.PEARSON LUZERNE, COMMANDING, 137 E. CARACAS BOULEVARD, HARRISBURG, PA, CABLE: UTONIC

selective photo of gray shark
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A withering evening 5k: second in age group 2018 Kalajainen 5k New Castle, PA

The answer to my Master Conan’s Riddle of Running is this: you always run faster than everyone who doesn’t participate in the race.

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The stream

I did really bad. Really really bad. I was a hair from last place. But, I was second in age group.

You can’t win if you don’t play.

I was in very severe pain. I have an extremely high tolerance for pain, yet I was in severe pain. Waah waah. I detest whining. It ended up being much hotter than I expected but not the 88 degrees it was last year. Maybe around 83 FAHRENHEIT!

It was my 109th lifetime distance race. It was one of my poorest performances ever.

My lungs were fine. But the pain level was catastrophic. Who knows when I’ll run in a race again. Almost last place. But… second in age group…

Peace be the Botendaddy

Best James Bond Movies

1. Live and Let Die: Yaphet Kotto, Jane Seymour, Kola Nut Man, Roger Moore, sharks 🦈 Paul McCartney, Redneck Sherriff, does it get any better?

2. A View to a Kill: Oh you didn’t like it? Then you can {CENSORED PA DEPT OF AGRICULTURE} At any rate, Christopher Walken, Tanya Roberts – The Beastmaster Chick 🐣, Grace Jones, Roger Moore, Duran Duran… enough said.

3. The original Casino Royale with David Niven, not the desperately dull re-make. Herb Alpert/Burt Bacharach with the theme song.

 

Best Bond: Roger Moore.

Sean Connery was good, just not my favorite. His best role ever was ‘Molly Maguires’ Go find it, the ‘Internets’ is your friend.

If you don’t agree with me here’s my response: ‘ULTRA MILLENIAL MEGA-YAWN’

Peace be the Botendaddy

Shroak n’ Froak: a forgotten Americana roadside Restaurant for Burgers and Fries

Homestead, Pennsylvania, 1978

The two men sat under the shitty, rusty bridge at night next to the belching fiery Steel-Mill. It was a pure Americana ‘death of the Industrial Age Post-modern urban punk rock’ scene that you can only dream of! O’ the haggard grittiness!

”Marijuana, do you smoke it. It’s not a question mother-f@&$&$r, do you Roak the Schmiee? Do you inhale the ‘Dry Satan’?”

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Abandoned Steel Mill, 1978

Asked Shabazz ‘the evolution’ Al Haqq

”Yeah I’ve been known to roak some Schmiee, you dig, cat?”

Responded BPL.

”Well we out of jobs now. You thought you was so cool 😎 Mr. Writer-man, now you ain’t shit mother-f@&$$r. Pass that weed now, Blay. We gonna’ smoke this shit and get all the way bent.”

Passes the roak.

”Well you can play your horn full-time now, man. You a fine jazz-cat musician 👨‍🎤 🎼 Shabazz. I need a new gig. Maybe something where I can travel around. Smoke some shit and bang  some non-passable transvestite quiff on the open road.”

Said BPL, taking a deep roak on the evil herb 🌿 eying the shit-covered glowing Monongahela River.

“Oh hell to the yeah, the ones with Five O’ Clock shadow and bad makeup 💄 are the best. Real women be too much trouble, my devil, see, that girl of yours she done runnoft. My girl, Sherri, she been banging some half-black, half-Chinese Du’ (Pronounced dude) up in the Hill on Kirkpatrick Street. If I’d a known it was that easy to get rid of her, I’d have introduced them earlier. You still live above the whorehouse?”

Lighting a bong. Handing it to BPL.

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Gritty, haggard, shitty urban decay, 1978

”Yeah, they want too much money 💰 for that Moldovan quiff. I gotta save money now because I’ll be on unemployment. We’re all boinked, the whole Mon Valley is doomed.”

”Dig it BPL, this is the end for n@&$&$s like us. You know what I’m saying? I’m gonna head to the New South, play some clubs.”

Hollows out, fills in with wacky weed and lights a Philadelphia Blunt.

”So I go to Vietnam, they end the War. I move to Homestead, they shut down the mills.  I go to Carnegie Tech and I get kicked out. I got to go somewhere to truly become shitty.”

Sixty-Two part Soul handshake 🤝 is exchanged and the two men make their way into the gloaming. BPL gets on a shitty, creaky trolley 🚋

Shabbazz catches a Jitney.

Matthews, North Carolina, 1972

”How do you know when you’ve become a writer?”

Asked BPL, waving Czech malu Cigaretu. He was unshaven dressed in his shitty Vietnam 🇻🇳 slant pocket jungle fatigues shirt with ridiculous rock n’ roll patches, his hair so long you could weave three Persian Rugs.

”A writer? Son? When you’ve become shitty. Than means you are so grizzled, so haggard and so filthy that you experience true reality and thus your writing has poignant ethos. That’s what you’ve got to search for my man… poignant ethos… it’s the essence of shittiness.”

So said famous macabre Science-Fiction slash Americana cum (Pronounced khuum) macabre   Famous semi-retired over-commercialized pompous douchebag writer guy.

”Thanks Mr. pompous douchebag writer guy! I’ll try becoming extra shitty!”

”I’m sure you’ll do just fine, you got a good head start, you really look like f@&king shit. You look like you just got back from a war or something.”

“Now get the f@&k off my porch you anus!”

Somewhere near Tucson 2018

Young obviously 🙄 Gay 🏳️‍🌈 writer steps off of a Bluehound interurban bus into the blistering heat of the Arizona desert 🌵 somewhere near Tucumcari. He walks into a Shroak n’ Froak, where he spies a shitty, grizzled, haggard, muscular butch old trucker. The trucker turns around, eyeing the tasty 😋 young man hungrily. The young man winks coyly and makes a kissy face 😘.

“So you’re the man, huh? All the way from satanic New York City. Well, son, the original Shroak n’ Froaks popped up on America’s great highways in the 50’s: yeah, you know ‘em: Carefree Highway, Route 66, the Lincoln Highway. Those were great days to be riding the road… yeah.”

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“Well, anyway, by the 70’s there were only two Shroak n’ Froaks left in the entire Country: Store #37 Hagerstown and Store #4 just outside a’ Tucson (Pronounced Too-sahn). At one time they had a stranglehold on all the interstates and roll roads. The founder Häär Schröackenfroäcke was politically connected. Helped Roosevelt spy 🕵️‍♂️ on the Nazis (Pronounced Gnat-zees). He was born in Germany 🇩🇪 half Jew half-Bavarian (Pronounced Bayerischen). So after the war, the government gave him all the contracts on orders of Bill Donovan and Dulles themselves. Well in time other restaurateurs moved in and Shroak n’ Froak faded away like the Old National Highways.”

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“By the 70’s Trucking regulations caused a lack of over the road truckers. My name’s MacTaggerty, by the by, yes… S.D. MacTaggarty and I ‘drive truck’.”

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“Roak i malu Cigaretu? It’s a Czech cigarette. Need a light? Yeah. Well this is that last Shroak n’ Froak now that Hagerstown closed down. It’s a classic shitty Americana Western desert 🌵 diner. I know what you came here for son, and yeah, you’re gonna’ get it. They say time softens the blow a little bit, but there’s a lot of renewed interest in the haggard Sci-Fi Writer known as BPL. I knew him. Personally. We drove truck in the late 70’s right here from the Carefree all the way to Hagerstown.”

”You know BPL personally, you shitty, grizzled old timer?”

”Yup. I knew BPL. We banged a lot of tranvestite rest stop 🛑 quiff and we ate a lot of sloppy Joe’s. Matter of fact, I recommend the sloppy Joe here with greasy, shitty, cockroach-covered fries and a Coacque served in a dirty, shitty glass.”

”So how do you know BPL? Damn sure is hot today you shitty old grizzled sexy grandpa 👴“

“Yeah it’s hot today, son. 117 degrees Fahrenheit. (No Bolshevik Metric system out here.) It reminds me of another hot day it was about 40 years ago. Clear blue Arizona skies. It was 1979… yeah 1979. Fourth of July (Pronounced Jew-lye) I was at the Greenhound Bus Station in Taos (Pronounced Tay-oss or Towse – nobody knows actually). They had a Shroak n’ Froak right across the road. I was picking up my truck ‘Betsy’ from Service. Then I saw him setting there in his shitty Army shirt. Long hair, unshaven big grease covered glasses. He looked gritty like a real shit-covered Writer. Yeah…” (Flashback Sequence, fade out, fade in)“

1979 Just outside of Tucson (Pronounced Two-saahn)

“You drive truck son?”

”Yup Old-timer. Just got my license. I was supposed to meet a man here with Knew-cyoo-lar (Pronounced nuclear) Trucking Company, Inc. Runs hazmat out of the Nevada uranium mines up to a salt mine in Colorado. Pays good. I ain’t worked since ‘77 since I got schmieed from the mill.”

”I’m independent myself. I won’t work for no J&$-n@&$$&-devil-mongrel-stooge-serpent (Pronounced Soy-pent) no more.”

”Well ok man I ain’t got a choice. I got to work for the JNDMSS. Went to Nam 71-72 when I was 18. Just turned 26 today. Most of my friends are married or OD’d. I had a gal once, but she done met some fast-talking slick smart-feller out of Cleveland and she was gone. I’m a writer, sort of (pronounced sort-have), can’t get published. Got evicted from my shitty garage apartment. It was above a Moldovan whorehouse in Homestead PA. Came out West to drive truck.”

Waitress, about 55, in all white waitress outfit, haggard face, hot body, serves up two plates of Sloppy Joe (Western Plural singular).

”You boys driving today?”

”Trying, there Priscilla. Rig is tuned up and ready to haul cactus 🌵 to Modesto.”

”What your name there, youngster?”

”They call me BPL.”

”BPL, what does that stand for sonny?”

”Bimrod Pocquemonaloid Leute”

“Listen, I’ve got to get to Sparks ⚡️, you going that way? The company depot is up there and it’ll be my first run. I can’t pay you much more than five bucks for gas ⛽️ but I’ll give you a signed first edition of my first novel. Hasn’t sold much, but maybe it’ll be worth something someday.”

“Well, five bucks will only get me 78 gallons of diesel. These high gas prices are killing me. My name is SD MacTaggarty by the way SD stands for S@&$ D!?&.”

”Pleased to meet you. I go by Bimrod or just Bim. I like sloppy Joe’s and non-passable transvestite rest-stop hookers.”

”Me too son, the lure of the open road: T-hookers and Joes.”

“Look I’m checking the map. Should be about eight hours at 55 mph. Yeah 55. This shitty President Carter and Ford stealing our souls cutting of our raw, manly testicles with this speed limit. Americans once had testicles, nasty, hairy, sweaty, public-swimming-pool 🏊 disturbingly elongated hideous Old man 👴 testicles. Ah the smell of it!”

”Listen Bimrod, you know and I know who is behind this evil speed limit. It’s a Jewish-Illuminati-Freemasonry-Papist-Communist government conspiracy to steal the white man’s testosterone with fluoridated water inspired by the spirit of the satanic Eleanor Roosevelt… fountainhead of evil.”

”That certainly sounds very plausible, S.D. it’s Occam’s Razor. The simplest explanation is always true. Jews are known to use the CIA and KGB in cohoots in order to fluoridate water to fake moon 🌚 landings and 🚀 achieve mind control according to their evil Necronomicon. We make a left up here to Arizona 77 to head for Phoenix.”

”There’s a lot of Smokeys 👮   🚔 out there on 77. They love ❤️  to roust truckers. Between Tucson and Phoenix they do the JAW special. That’s where they pull over the most grizzled Old Muscular unshaven trucker they can find. Then they threaten you with a big fine and a few days in jail. If you give up RTA they let let you off with ‘Just a Warning ⚠️’ “

”RTA?”

”Exactly ‘Raw Trucker Anus’ there’s nothing more than a lonely Smokey likes on patrol than to fill trucker-Bowel with hot spermatozoa. Ah the taste of it! My anus has paid off a lot of tickets. At least 90% of Smokey’s are straight up homosexual top men. Oh yeah, I can almost feel it, Bimrod.”

”Thank god you got out of those tickets. What small price is a stretched-out anus compared to a long-haul truckers license. Anuses are a dime a dozen. No shame there. But a trucker’s license… that’s pure gold, S.D.”

”So What’s your story BPL? It’s a long ride. It’s a lot of amphetamine-stoked piss-bottles ‘tween here and there. Got a lister bag under the hood. No air conditioner.”

”Well I was born in Carolina. But I don’t remember it. I was pretty young. Anyway, I joined the Army in ‘71 so I could go to West Germany 🇩🇪 and bang some Euro-tranny quiff. Vietnam 🇻🇳 was basically over. But they send me to ‘Nam anyway. August ‘71 to July ‘72. It was what they called in the Army vernacular an ‘exhausted theatre 🎭 ‘.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

The Origin of Mocha

In 1516, the crazed Arabian Al-Khufu of Mocha, Yemen 🇾🇪 bought coffee beans from the mad Ethiopian Ras-Sneferughu. The beans were delightful. Soon coffee houses grew all over the Ottoman (Pronounced Osman) Empire.

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A young English Emissary named Lord Cockbaume brought the drink to Coventry. The drink made its way across the Atlantic to the Virginia Roanoake Colony, where a special variation of Arabic Coffee ☕️, 🐮 cow’s milk 🥛 and African Chocolate 🍫 was made. It was called Mocha Croatoan. The colony disappeared after the coffee beans ran out and ‘Croatoan’ was carved into a tree 🌲 by desperate Colonists.

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The Indian (One guy representing all known Native American tribes) kept the secret of Mocha and it was passed to the Mohicans who were wiped out by the shitty Magua and the white devils.

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Mocha was later passed on to a Scottish soldier named macTaggerty who joined the American Revolution and he shared the drink with Benjamin Franklin (Pronounced ‘wa-wa’) then Franklin shared it with the founding fathers.

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Years later, the recipe (Pronounced ress-sip-pee) was found in Franklin’s journals by a student 👨‍🎓 at Penn known as Schmuely ‘Skimmer’ Bergboim Cohenheimer Boingboomtschak in 1966.

In 1970, Schmuely moved to LA where he opened a coffee shop on Hollywood Boulevard called the “We’re not too Jewish Mocha Hut”

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Schmuely sold the shop and went into the movie business and the rest is history.

Botendaddy goes to Crystal Cove, then shops in Orange County High-end style

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Crystal Cove

I am the Botendaddy.

Daddy, isn’t Orange County too low-end for you and your ‘Old Money’ 💰 ?

Also gefragt die Boten-Daughter.

Jawohl 👍 meiner Gutes Fräulein!

Ich hatte gesägt

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O.C. Hipness

I am a quadrillionaire. I skipped trillionare because only low-life, shit-covered anuses are mere trillionaires.

Ich also gesagt auf die Böten-Tochter.

You have that Knights Templar Illuminati money 💰. I’m hip to it.

Also sprach die Böten-Tochter.

I love how they have a store directory and it’s indecipherable. Then the anuses who work at the mall don’t know where other stores are. I mean you work there… WTF? I know every f@&king store in a six mile radius and I don’t work at any of them.

Vanilla Bean Latte with oak leaf 🍂 cluster?

Peace be the Botendaddy