CENTRAL AMMAN 1854
The final minaret call from the Muzzein in central Amman was just finishing. Haci Ali was sitting in a cafe roaking a hookah with his friend Mahmoud Al Ammani.
“It’s hopeless 😩 for me here. I’ve got no wife, no prospects. My latest camel (pronounced jemmel) 🐫 gig down to Yemen 🇾🇪 barely paid enough. There’s a whole world 🌎 out there beyond this empire. I want to go to Amrikkiyyah. The Wild West. Cowboys 🤠 Indians, you know. My grandfather 👴 told me when I was a little boy that I would travel far but never leave the desert 🌵 and I would see many strange things. So I would travel from India 🇮🇳 to Morocco 🇲🇦 but I forgot that there was also a desert in Amerikkiyyah. Maybe my story is not yet written. Maybe I will find a girl to marry.”
Mahmoud took a long roak on his hookah. “I heard the girls in the Wild West are very beautiful. They come from all around the world to seek their fortune 🔮. But it’s so far away. You will be very out of place there. Listen, my friend, strangely enough, I was in Jaffa and there was an American Army Officer looking for camel 🐫 drivers.”
Haci Ali looked up. “We’ve got to get to Jaffa right away!”
“Ameikkiyyah is a strange place, they won’t know what to think of you. But you do know the camel 🐫 very well. You can teach them. But Let’s hire some horses 🐴 and get to Jaffa.”
MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE GREAT HEROIC AMERICAN WILD WEST
Captain Montesquieu Braithwaite Talleyrand, IV of Philadelphia was roaking a Cigar with fellow Captain Beauregard St. John Barraclough of New Orleans Parish. They were standing on the porch of a wooden building at Fort Destitute in Olde El Paso.
“Well I’ll be a N_____ Demonic Black-Hearted Murderous Cheating Jew Devil Mongrel Stooge Serpent.” He said, using an old fashioned but charming Jew-hating epithet. “If it ain’t old Captain Fancy Pants 👖 man of wealth and leisure from old Pennsylvania, long time since the war in Mexico 🇲🇽 City 🌃 my boy.” Holding out his sweaty hand.
“You were always charming son, long time no voir. I’m surprised you haven’t made major yet. You have the ambition of Cassius, but the manners of Hannibal. I remember Old Mexico 🇲🇽 well myself, in fact, we’re right across the border.” He offered the Louisianan (pronounced Lousy-Anne-In) a cigar.
“Well no matter, I 👂 heard tell that them shit-covered politician desk-riding boys in the War Department back in Washington want to hire camels 🐫 to get acrosst (not a typo) the desert 🌵. That’s the dumbest most sockdologizing thing I ever heard.”
“Watch your satanic god-hating filthy bowel language! Don’t use the sock____ word, it’s the shittiest, most shit-covered cuss word ever spoken!” Said the Philadelphian.
OTTOMAN IMPERIAL HEADQUARTERS, JAFFA
The crescent 🌙 moon was rising over the ancient houses 🏡 of old Jaffa.
The camel 🐫 drivers had been selected after demonstrating their skills. They sat quietly neglected 😩 in the darkened courtyard of the old Fort, awaiting steam passage in donkey-goat faeces-class steerage to the Great Satan (pronounced Amerikkiyyah).
The Turkish Officer prepared the hot Jezvaa of Kava on the fire 🔥 to pour into El-Finja’aniyyah for his savage American guest.
“So this is the collection of useless shitheads and hopelessly unmarried camel 🐫 driving morons who want to go all the way across the ocean 🌊 to get killed by savages in the Wild 😜 West? Well that’s one less burden on the empire. I’ll sign off.” Said Captain Dogan Ferencz.
“I thank you kindly.” Said Major Rufus Mallwander of Stamford Connecticut. “Do any of these poor hairy, shitty, smelly, greasy, unwashed devils speak English?”
“Not a jebi word, not a single jebi word of Shi’ita’anic English devil-speak my dear American friend. Turkish Kiva?”(pronounced coffee ☕️).
“Excellent coffee ☕️ effendi!” He said in a patronizing manner as if the Turk was a shitty savage.
TO BE CONTINUED